Grieving the Child I Never Knew

Last night I cried harder than I think I ever have in my entire life. I missed Noah so badly and my whole body ached to have him in my arms. David and I had already gone to bed, but I just couldn't sleep. I went into Noah's room and started reading one of the new books I bought "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. I don't really like saying "the child I never knew" because I feel like I DID know Noah. After all, he was part of David and a part of me and I did carry him for 7 months! I read 62 pages and then just became overwhelmed with grief and finally had to put the book down and just let the grief consume me for a few hours. I sat in the rocker in Noah's room and held one of his little outfits up to my chest. I held his tiny hat that he had worn the entire time we were in the hospital and just smelled the sweet smell of him that still lingers in his hat. It was 2:00am before my body stopped shaking long enough to drift off to sleep. The good thing is that I slept....and I slept hard. I was surprised when I still had tears left to cry this morning while I was at church. I would have thought I had run dry after last night. Nights are just so hard. My mind starts to drift off to "what could have been". I think about how I would have had sleepless nights (for a better reason), staying up to nurse, rocking Noah to sleep, calming him when he cried.

I wonder what Noah is doing in Heaven.