EDIT to this post: I just saw that the ladies at (In)Courage have asked us to write a post about Hope. Since I just wrote this entry a few days ago about hope, I thought I would link to it on their site.
Yesterday (my birthday) was a great day. I really thought that it was going to be hard to smile, hard to celebrate, hard to think of anything but Noah. But God blessed me with a wonderful day. I was busy pretty much all day, spending time with friends and family. My sweet brother-in-law and sister-in-law sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got all kinds of sweet cards and gifts and about 100 facebook messages wishing me a happy birthday. I felt very special and very blessed. It was a day filled with sunshine and a lot of laughter.
I'm about to get really honest, so if you can't handle it, don't read it. If you just want me to be happy and wish I would stop whining...don't read it....
I wish I could have gone to sleep AS SOON AS I got home last night, but I just couldn't. For some reason, guilt crept in. I felt like I wasn't supposed to be happy, like I shouldn't have laughed. I felt like I had neglected Noah because I had pushed away thoughts of him all day. David had already gone to sleep and loneliness crept in. I suddenly felt very empty. I cannot begin to explain the emptiness that a mother who has lost her baby feels. I want him back in my womb....I want the joy back of "expecting" him.
I walked in Noah's room and leaned over his crib and placed my hand on the soft, empty sheet. It's just appalling. He should be there. It's like the room is just waiting for him. I grabbed his teddy bear, wrapped it up in a blanket (like a crazy woman, I was hoping to relieve some of the ache of my empty arms with a teddy bear), sat in the rocking chair and the storm hit me so hard. Like a tornado. No real warning. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to see it. It was the ugly cry. The teddy bear was soaked after the 2 hours that I sat there and sobbed. I didn't want to wake up David. After all, he had to go to work. I tried to calm myself down. I pleaded with God to comfort me, to give me strength. It's been weeks since I've been that overwhelmed to the point where I really can't stop. There's really absolutely nothing you can do but give it to God and ask him for peace. Nothing relieves the ache. I just screamed into the teddy bear, "GOD I WANT MY CHILD BACK!!!! I WANT HIM BACK!!!!"
At 4:30am I still couldn't stop, so I finally woke David up. The thing I love about my husband is that he will just comfort me and hold me in his arms. He knows I don't need words in times like that. I just need his loving arms. I just need to be held. The sobs got softer and softer until I finally drifted off to sleep. I woke up at 8:30 when Ethan jumped in the bed with me. I have to start my day, I have no choice....even though the rain outside makes me want to curl up in a ball and just let the grief consume me. I have to pull myself together and in a few days, life really starts back when I return to work.
I don't want anyone who reads my blog to misunderstand my grief. There is anguish, there is suffering, but there is HOPE! I grieve because my child is not here in my arms...NOT because I believe he no longer exists. I KNOW he still exists! I have the hope of Christ and I have the hope of Heaven, so I will see my son again! That doesn't mean that while I'm here on earth there won't be tears and there won't be hurt. There will be times that I am angry and there will be times that I am very sad. But I am held. God is holding me. Losing Noah would be the death of me if I didn't have the hope of Christ! I long for the day that Christ returns and there will be NO more weeping...NO more sadness.
I Thessalonians 4 says...
13 "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. "
Please pray for me this morning as I am going to have some bloodwork done and I'm really not feeling up to it today. I think I will keep Ethan home from daycare today. He always makes me smile.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" ~Psalm 30:5
God, please give me joy.