Tuesday, December 28, 2010

26 Weeks - 3D Ultrasound

Today I had a doctor's appointment which included the Glucose Tolerance Test and an ultrasound. David met me at the doctor's office, I drank the not-so-great-tasting orange drink and we waited. My friend's mom was our ultrasound tech today. As soon as she put the little wand on my belly, Ella had her hands over her face as she always does. She was squirming all around. I was so surprised when she switched it over to 3D! This was unexpected (I knew they had the capability, but didn't know she was going to use it today). She took several measurements and checked all of Ella's organs. Everything seemed to be great. She started showing us all of her different parts (and once again confirmed that she is definitely a girl). Then David asked if she could get a good view of the umbilical cord. We got a very clear picture of it and then David asked if she could show us the blood flow in the cord. As soon as she switched it over and said the blood flow looked great, I kind of lost it. So many emotions went through me all at once. I am so happy that Ella is healthy and whole and it seems that she is going to be just fine, but I miss Noah so much and to be honest, I get so angry sometimes just thinking that if they had only checked the blood flow in Noah's cord...

I know...I can't play the "what if" game. It doesn't help anything.

I apologized to the ultrasound tech (my friend's mother) for my sudden emotional collapse, but she understood. After all, her son and daughter-in-law lost their daughter shortly after we lost Noah. They just recently had a healthy baby boy. She's seen the emotions of a mother who has lost her child. I was thankful in that moment that she was our tech.

Here are a few 3D pictures of our beautiful Ella Jane...

Her feet...

I will try to get a belly pic posted soon. Please keep us in your prayers over the next several weeks. Everything seems fine with Ella and I believe with all my heart that she is going to be born healthy and alive, but there is always this fear that lingers that I just can't seem to push away completely. With each passing day I love Ella even more and I miss Noah even more. I keep thinking about the weeks prior to losing him. In some ways I'm terrified of returning to that same hospital wing where we kissed our son goodbye and left empty-handed. I am pleading with God to let me keep Ella. To let me leave that hospital with her in my arms.

I'm 26 weeks...just 5 weeks away from when we lost Noah. Maybe some of the anxiety will taper off once I get past week 31.

Monday, December 13, 2010

24 Weeks and praying for a miracle

***Because of the title of this blog post, let me just start out by saying Ella is just fine!

Ella decided to scare her mommy and daddy this morning. Every single morning for the last 6 weeks I have felt Ella moving and kicking. She is usually very active in the mornings. But not this morning. I got up at 7:00 and started getting ready for work...no movement. I got Ethan ready and I took him to school at 8:15...still no movement. I stopped by a McDonald's and got a Dr. Pepper hoping to get some movement out of her. By 10:00 I had tears in my eyes. The nightmare of the day we lost Noah was flashing through my mind. I called David and he was ready to go to the house and get the doppler...then she started kicking....and kicking...and kicking. Yep, this girl is gonna be trouble! At least that will teach me to keep the doppler with me at all times. Anyway, Ella is just fine and has been moving a LOT since about 10:30. My heart still hasn't slowed down though! She had me terrified!

Other than this morning's incident, everything has been great. I'm feeling great (other than a sinus infection that lasted for a while). I'm definitely more anxious as the weeks go by. I know I need to enjoy every moment of the pregnancy, but I will feel so much better once she is in my arms, alive and well. I'm just still so terrified something will happen to her in my womb. I just try to remember that the Lovenox is doing what it's supposed to and Ella is safe.

I'm struggling right now with the fact that I will only have 12 weeks with her before I have to return to work. I stayed home with Ethan until he was a year old, but that is just not possible for us (financially) right now. If only David had benefits with his job....(sigh). I've been very stressed out about the thought of handing my 3 month old over to a daycare worker. I keep thinking about all the things I will miss out on...all the things I got to share with Ethan that I won't be able to share with Ella. It's hard. It's very hard. I'm praying for a miracle (maybe a great new job to land in David's lap???). I know God can make it happen if that's His will for us.

Will you pray for a miracle with me?