Days of celebration are sometimes some of the hardest days for those who have lost a loved one. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, July 4th, Mother's Day, and Father's Day are supposed to be some of the happiest days of the year. Days we honor Christ or honor loved ones. But celebrating is sometimes the furthest thing from one's mind when they are grieving. All they can think about is how they wished that their loved one was there with them to celebrate.
Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. It's really snuck up on me this week. I haven't really thought that much about it. My last year as a 20-something. I just wish I felt like celebrating. I had wondered if Noah might arrive on my birthday. His due date is quickly approaching (9-9-09) and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I stopped by to see David at work for a few minutes this morning. We just hugged. I told him I felt totally overwhelmed. Starting back to work, my birthday, Noah's due date, having to move on with life. It's just a lot to handle right now. I also stopped by Noah's grave and was not happy at what I found! Let's just say that someone has not been cleaning up after their dog out there around my son's grave.....this does not make me happy.
David and I are both taking the day off from work on Noah's due date. It will be an emotional day for us and it's not something we can ignore...especially since it's a big day anyway since it's 9-9-09. Interesting...Noah was born 7-7 and his due date was 9-9. We will be keeping Ethan out of daycare that day as well and just spending some time together as a family.
I love the fall. It's my favorite time of year...especially since we are approaching the holiday season. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, then another New Year. I could not wait to have another tiny baby to show off to family this Christmas. I thought about all the fun pictures I would take of Ethan and Noah together. I know I say it almost daily, but it's just so hard to accept this new reality. It really is. My mind replays everything over and over again. I keep thinking about the moment we found out he was gone....it's like watching a movie that ends badly that you've seen 100 times, but every time you watch it, you brace yourself at the climax and hope for a different outcome. If only life were like the movies and you could add an "alternate ending".
I haven't even started on Noah's scrapbook yet. I had planned on working on it this week, but it's just another thing that feels overwhelming to me. I have started learning how to make jewelry which has been really fun. I've made a few pieces to honor Noah...including this bracelet...
David and I have also started eating a lot better and exercising. I gained 31 pounds while pregnant with Noah. I've lost 17 of that. I would really like to lose about 34 more to get to my ideal weight (as I had already gained some of my weight back before I got pregnant). I lost all my baby weight a lot faster last time with nursing Ethan. It's a lot more difficult this time. I've started doing Pilates again as well as using the exercise bike we bought while I was pregnant. We are also taking Ethan on a walk every night. We hope to teach him the importance of exercise at an early age.
Speaking of exercise....I better get to it.