I posted a status on my facebook that I need to explain a little better. I wrote, "I need you to know that it's not the presence of your tiny newborn baby or your pregnant belly that makes me sad....it's the absence of my own." This has apparently sparked some worry that something has happened or someone has done something to make me post this. First of all DON'T WORRY!!! There is no particular person that has upset me in any way or anything like that. I have just gotten the feeling that some of my pregnant friends are afraid to be around me (or even talk to me) for fear that their pregnancy will upset me in some way. And again...I'm not talking about someone specifically...I have about 18 pregnant friends right now!!! I also have a LOT of friends with new babies and I think some of them are also afraid to be around me or bring their baby around me because they think I will just break down or something. While I am very sad that Noah is not here in my arms, I am NOT sad that my friends are pregnant or that they have healthy babies. I LOVE babies...and losing my own has actually made me love them even more. I want to be around babies!!! They make me HAPPY, not sad! Angela let me babysit Sarah last week for a few hours and I had so much fun playing with her and making her giggle. It was good for my soul!!!
I've tried to explain to some of my pregnant friends that I want them to tell me about their progress just like they normally would. Yes, it is good to be sensitive and not share every single detail of your pregnancy with me, but I still want to know your progress and how your child is doing! This may sound sad, but David and I have a hard time finding joy in my pregnancies because we have such fear of loss (and this will be even more true if I ever get pregnant again). Because of all of our losses, we simply look at pregnancy as something to "get through". Don't misunderstand...we count it as a blessing from God when I carry a child (no matter how long) and we try to rejoice over every milestone ...but we worry, we pray and we can only be hopeful. We would at least like to celebrate with others during all the fun pregnancy stuff that they go through. Hope this makes sense.
Hope this helps you understand me a little better! I don't blame people for thinking that I wouldn't want to be around babies right now. I'm sure that not every woman who has lost a baby feels the same way I do. Honestly, there are times when I see a pregnant woman (or a room full of them at the doctor's office) and feel a slight sadness. But it's not a sadness because they are pregnant...it's because I'm not...and my baby is not in my arms. A friend of mine encouraged and challenged me to pray for all pregnant women that I come into contact with. Pray for the health of their unborn child. Pray that they have a safe delivery. I have started doing this and it's amazing how much peace it brings to me!!! I certainly do not wish this grief on anyone! I pray that none of my friends or family ever have to suffer the loss of a child.
I have found an unbelievable amount of mothers and fathers online who have lost a child within the last year. Many have blogs similar to ours and most of them have drawn closer to God since their loss. And like David and me, they long for heaven all the more!!! I am so encouraged by their testimonies and by their great faith! While I wish that no one had to suffer such loss, it's good to know that there are so many who truly understand what we are going through. I hope to have the opportunity to meet some of these people someday so I can cry with them and pray with them.
I'm having a good time at my parent's house in their little cabin in the woods up in the Blue Ridge Mountains! I miss David terribly, but Ethan and I are enjoying our time together. I'll post some pictures when we return home on Wednesday, so be on the lookout for those!