David and I met with a gentleman yesterday who will be getting Noah's grave marker made and installed. We are pretty set on what we want, just have to work out a few final details. The guy asked after our conversation, so are you sure this is what you want? I blurted out, "What I want is to have my son back!" The poor guy....I excused myself to the restroom to sob for a few minutes. It will take about 4-6 weeks for it to be ready and installed. It will be so nice to have a place to put flowers!
I went for my 6 week appointment yesterday. I did better than last time. I didn't break down until the nurse asked me if I was having any postpartum depression. Hmm.....you think? They put me in a room and as I was looking around I noticed that the particular room I was in didn't have any of the pregnancy brochures or posters. Instead it had brochures about osteoporosis, mammograms, and menopause. Don't know if they purposely put me in a room that was void of pregnancy related things or if it was just a coincidence. Dr. Duhart came in and we chatted for a while. She told me some very encouraging news. She said she spoke with the pathologist personally who did the report on the placenta and cord and said that there was absolutely nothing that they felt would be recurrent. This is great news. It won't make me worry any less if I get pregnant again someday, but it's good to know.
I wanted to share something with all of you. Sunday night was a difficult night for me. I really broke down and cried out to God. I was pretty honest with God (which I know He can handle since He knows my thoughts anyway). I told Him I was angry with Him for allowing Noah to die. For letting us believe for 31 weeks that he was going to be a part of our family and we would raise him in our home and love him and nurture him. During my conversation with God I asked Him for something. I asked Him for a promise. I asked God to promise me that He would never take a child away from me again. I asked Him to give me a rainbow as a sign of this promise. I'm pretty demanding....I know.
Today a storm rolled in. It was the kind of storm that you could see coming from a distance and half the sky was blue with white puffy clouds while the other half was stormy with dark clouds. On my way to pick up Ethan the rain started to pour down. I picked up Ethan from daycare and put him in the van. I pulled out of the parking lot and as I approached the traffic light, I looked to my right and there in the sky was a huge, beautiful rainbow. I started to cry. Then the person behind me started honking because I was in a daze. I drove straight home and got my camera. The rainbow followed me all the way home and when I pulled into my neighborhood, you could see the entire rainbow from end to end.
So did God make the promise I hoped he would? Well, no. He never promised Noah that there would never be another flood. He only promised he would not destroy the whole earth by flood. He did not promise me that I would not suffer another loss, but God spoke very clearly to me in that moment and he said that this rainbow was a promise that He was there. That He understood. That He would never leave me. That He would hold me no matter what storm comes. THAT is the peace that passes all understanding.
So is it just coincidence that I prayed for a rainbow and 3 days later saw it?....I don't think so. So if you saw the rainbow yesterday, just wanted you to know that it was an answer to my prayer :o). It was for me.
Just like God sent a rainbow to Noah after the flood, God sent me a rainbow to remind me that He has my Noah in his arms...and he has me in his arms.