Unrecognizable???

I've added an edit to this post below the last paragraph (but before the song)....



Today I took Ethan to daycare and then ran to Subway to get some lunch. David and I always go to the same Subway even though there are about 10 of them around town. We just feel like the food is fresher and the employees are nicer at this particular one. Also, one of the women that works there is the mother of one of the kids at Ethan's daycare. She always talks to me when I go to Subway and is usually very friendly. She always asked me about my pregnancy and how things were going. I walked in and saw her standing behind the counter and I sort of cringed at the thought of her asking me if I had already had my baby. Today I walked in and she said, "May I help you?" I gave her my order and she made my sandwich. Then she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" I said, "No thank you, just the sandwich." And that was that. She acted as though she didn't even know me. Which honestly, I don't even know her first name, but she ALWAYS talks to me. It was as if she didn't recognize me without the belly. Either that or she knew that we lost Noah and she didn't know what to say. It was just weird and it made me uncomfortable. Just for the record, I would MUCH rather people ACKNOWLEDGE that Noah died than to not say anything at all.

I stopped by Hobby Lobby to find some stuff for the scrapbook I am making to put all of Noah's photos and keepsakes in. I walked up and down the aisles of scrapbook stickers and browsed through all the different "Baby Boy" stickers they had. How hard is it to just pick out some stickers? VERY HARD. I broke down in the middle of the second aisle. I was so thankful there wasn't anyone around that I would have to explain why I was crying over stickers. Stickers like, "A new baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities", and "A baby is a miracle sent from heaven into our hearts and our home"....quite the opposite actually. My baby was taken TO Heaven which ripped out my heart and gave me an empty room at home. I know, that's a little dramatic, but these are the types of things I was thinking as I was looking at these stickers. I bought the ones I thought I could use, but probably half on each page represent a healthy LIVING child, so they will be useless (for now). I plan on working on the scrapbook this week and will take photos of all the pages to share with all of you. First I must finish the 87 thank you notes that I have to write!!! I've only gotten about 15 done. This has been a long and difficult task....especially just trying to get the addresses of everyone I want to thank.

Later, I went to get my hair cut and highlighted. The last time I went to the salon was just a few days before Noah died. In fact, my last photos of being pregnant were taken the day of my last haircut. The girl who cuts my hair has become a great friend of mine (Stephanie). She and I were pregnant at the same time when I was pregnant with Ethan and her with Summer. Then this time I was pregnant with Noah and her with Kylee. It was so great seeing her today and talking with her. She has been another one of those friends who has really mourned with us. Having had Kylee just under 3 months ago, her heart really breaks for us. She can just imagine the pain of our loss. Thank you for your friendship, Stephanie!!! Also, if all of you would please say a prayer for Kylee tonight as she is having some problems with her tummy. Pray for God's healing. Thank you!!!

I must encourage all of you to go get Selah's new CD, "You Deliver Me". It wasn't supposed to come out until August 25th, but Lifeway had it out today so I picked up a copy! I absolutely LOVE this CD!!! Selah's music touches my heart so much (and of course I love Todd Smith's voice, so it's really wonderful!!!) The song that Todd and Angie wrote for their daughter is on the CD (I Will Carry You) and there is another song that has truly encouraged me. It's called, "Unredeemed". I've written the words below and you can also listen to a live recording of it by clicking HERE. I've already listened to it probably 50 times, but today as I listened to it, I started crying and just praised the Lord as I really thought about the last few lines which say, "Places where grace is soon to be so amazing. It may be unfulfilled. It may be unrestored, but you never know the miracle the Father has in store." I thought about the children we may have in the future that may have never been had Noah not died. David and I know that we would not have Ethan if our twins had survived. And Ethan is such an amazing miracle from the Lord. No matter what happens, I do believe that the heartache we are experiencing will one day be redeemed.

EDIT: I got a sick feeling after I posted this blog entry that I might be misunderstood...my Noah can NEVER be replaced. I would never have given up Noah for another child, but I guess I just pray that someday I may be able to view the loss of Noah as God paving the way for another miracle in our lives...whether that be through having another child or by the impact we can have on others' lives through the story of our sweet Noah. Hope that makes sense! Ok...maybe I can sleep now.

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed