Sunday, November 28, 2010

Beautiful Girl

Sweet girl,

Your mommy, daddy, and big brother can't wait to meet you. Keep growing strong. We love you! You are so very beautiful!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

21 Weeks

"Wow, your pregnancy is flying by!".....that is so easy for YOU to say! Haha. Things are starting to speed up a little, but so far this pregnancy has felt SO STINKIN' LONG! Don't get me wrong, I feel great! Nothing to complain about. It's just that every time I feel Ella move, I desperately just want her here, safe in my arms. It's hard to believe that I'm just 10 weeks away from when I lost Noah. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. The next milestone I'm really wanting to hurry up and get to is the week of viability...24 weeks. Right now Ella couldn't survive outside the womb (even with medical help). While I do not want her to be born anywhere close to 24 weeks, it will still be comforting to get there.

Ok, so I guess I have some catching up to do....

First, there was Halloween...

My pumpkin patch

Ethan & Hayden

Hannah & Sarah

Brady, Ethan, & Connor

The whole gang

And there was a trip to the Georgia Aquarium with Grandaddy, Tar-Tar, Aunt Erica, Uncle Grant, and cousins Natalie and Julianna.....

And then an early Thanksgiving/Christmas get-together with my extended family on my Dad's side...

Ethan playing "War" with his Great Papaw!

The McInnis Family

The grandkids (and great grandkid) and spouses

My grandad and his 4 children...

And here are my parents. Yep, that's my mom...102 pounds lighter!!!!

We've had a busy few weeks and I haven't taken the time to take another belly shot, but I promise I will do that this week along with an update after my high risk appointment tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

19 Weeks and Kickin'

Noah's crib...

It was time. Time to take Noah's things down and prepare to put Ella's things up. And we are already in that transition stage of calling "Noah's room" now "Ella's room". My mom purchased the crib set for Ella and brought it to me on Thursday night. Before mom arrived I took all of Noah's things down and then it all hit me again. The finality of it all. Like I've said before, it's a strange thing to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. I thought I would be excited about the newness of putting up pink girly things, but I sat in Noah's room listening to his little mobile that I played hundreds of times while I was pregnant with him and I just sobbed. I selfishly kept telling God, "I want them both". I cried hardest when I pulled Noah's crib sheet off his crib. So many times over the last year I had rested my hand on that sheet right where Noah should have been sleeping. They are just things, but taking down his things felt so wrong and I fell apart for the first time since I've been pregnant. When my mom arrived I got it over with quickly. I put Ella's crib set on the crib right away. But then we realized the crib sheet that was supposed to come with the set was missing. What a bummer. Then I thought about Noah's sheet and wondered if it would match Ella's crib set. I pulled the sheet out and put it back on the mattress and to our amazement, it looked like it belonged with the set. It's white with little green polka dots which perfectly match the green polka dots on Ella's quilt. I know it may seem like a silly thing to some, but to me it was God-ordained.

And before you ask...yes, I will eventually post pics of Ella's room, but not until it is all done and painted.

Week 19 and David felt Ella move for the first time tonight! He felt one swift kick and was really excited about it. They are no longer just movements, they are actual kicks! I've been feeling her move so much I haven't needed to check her heartbeat at night. I know she is doing just fine!

My emotions are definitely starting to get the best of me. I know hormones play a big role in it. I am still able to find so much joy and excitement even through the days that I miss Noah so much. This may sound strange, but I feel like maybe Ella's birth will give the loss of Noah some sort of redemption. Like he saved her life in a way since in losing him we learned of the Factor V Leiden and the necessity of the Lovenox injections. I want Ella to be born healthy not just for us, but for Noah. Maybe some of you know what I mean.

I know I'm a little late in posting pics from Halloween, but I'll get those in on the next post. Goodnight everyone!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

18 Weeks

Ella and I are still doing very well. I'm now 18 weeks and so glad to be almost halfway there! My belly is really starting to grow, but I still haven't had anyone ask me if I'm pregnant.

Ella is moving a lot more. It's comforting. I really have found a lot of joy in this pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't expect to. I thought I would only be filled with fear and anxiety. There are still difficult moments. It's an odd thing to be filled with joy while still walking through grief. Sometimes the joy numbs the grief, but it's still there. I find myself daydreaming a lot about a life with 2 sons and a daughter. It's a strange thing to think about Ella being here...a newborn. Noah would be almost 16 months old now, but it's as if he's frozen in time as an infant. I only have pictures of him as a tiny 3lb, 6oz baby. I stare at the pencil portrait of our family above our t.v. as I type this....Noah, a tiny baby in my arms. But then Ella will be the baby in my arms. She won't replace Noah...he cannot be replaced. It's really hard to express in words what I'm trying to say...but I just wish all of my children could be here. And I don't want other people to forget Noah either. Being pregnant doesn't make it all better. I definitely feel very blessed and I'm thankful for the newness God has brought us by giving us a daughter.

I have recently started to worry a little about the next few ultrasounds over the next 8 weeks as they will take a closer look at Ella's organs. I know that so many of you who have lost babies found out around the 20-week mark that your baby would not live. I have been so excited over these past few weeks about how well Ella is doing, that I fear bad news could be looming. I'm sure these are normal feelings and I hope I really have nothing to fear. The high risk doc even told me at my last appointment that as of right now, this is like a completely normal pregnancy. I hope it stays that way.

While I still grieve the life that should have been, my brother and sister-in-law are grieving for the life they feel like should have been for them as well. For so many, this thing of having children comes so easy...sometimes even by accident. But it's not always so simple. Please pray for my sister-in-law as she is having surgery on Friday...another step in preparing her body to possibly carry a child. They need a big dose of please pray! They are trusting in God's plan for their lives.