Thursday, June 30, 2011

It's real. It's not fun.

Postpartum. It's real. I never fully understood it...because I've never had it. Now obviously after Noah, I was depressed, but that was grief, not postpartum. I am so in love with my daughter and I'm so thankful for her. She really makes me smile and she is such a good baby, so don't misunderstand. My feelings have nothing to do with her. But my hormones are all over the place. I'm so extremely sensitive right now and it's driving me crazy.

Things have happened over the last few weeks that have been upsetting, but you would think someone died the way I've hurt and cried over it. I just can't shake it. I physically can't. Going back to work has been very difficult and it's even more difficult when I feel like things have changed since I've been back. My boss and even some of my co-workers are treating me if annoyed that I was out on maternity leave. Mind you, right now I'm way more sensitive, way more paranoid, and definitely could be perceiving things different from reality. Time with family seems to be lacking. I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning which means in order to have time to get a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack my lunch and feed Ella, I have to be up at 4:45. When I overslept just a little on Tuesday, I had to rush through feeding her and put her down and leave for work, knowing she was still hungry. Very very upsetting. I get off of work at 2:00 each day, come home, try to rush in some time with my husband and my kids and also do laundry and dishes. The house is a wreck. I want to be home. I don't want to be at work. I want to be home. My house was spotless by the end of my maternity leave. It didn't last. It makes me feel like a bad mom to rush through stories, rush through play time, get the kitchen only somewhat clean, and give 5 minutes of conversation to my husband only to roll over and go to sleep so I can be up at 4:45 and do it all over again. Friendships have suffered these last few weeks, my husband feels helpless at times and I feel even more terrible for him to have to deal with this depressed person. I'm a child of

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I know there are medications out there to help with this, but I'm not a big fan of medications and I would prefer to try anything else....including pleading with God to help me get over this. And take out my frustrations on my elliptical! :o)

Anyway, I could use some prayer. And forgive me. My emotions are all over the place. Happy one minute, in the depths of despair the next, even sometimes angry. I'm working on it.

oh...and Noah's 2nd birthday is 1 week from today...

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ella's First Laugh

Ella has giggled before, but this was the first time she really laughed...and we caught it on video!

Here you are, sweet girl...laughing at your mommy and Angela at just 2 and 1/2 months old. So precious!