Saturday, September 19, 2009

Where the Flowers Live

It was a pretty busy weekend. I'll start with Friday. It was kind of a hard day for me, but it got better after lunch. I got to work at 8:15 which is unusual for a Friday. If you don't already know, I work at a bank. Normally I have to work from 9-6 on Fridays, but I switched with someone so that I could do a photo shoot (that I'll write about later). When I found out that I was pregnant with Noah on December 27th, just a little later on January 6th, my co-worker (who works at a different branch) found out she was pregnant. She was due with her baby girl just a few days after I was due with Noah. So on Friday morning I sat down at my desk and opened my email and saw, "WE HAVE A NEW BABY BANKER!!!". It was the announcement of my friend's baby. Let me just say that it is so strange to feel so happy and so devastated at the same time. I am sooooo happy that my friend's baby was born healthy, but I'm so sad that the only announcement sent out for us was...

Lisa Collinsworth's baby, Noah David, was stillborn
on July 7, 2009. Please keep Lisa and her family in your prayers.
"Words convey so little
in the stillness of a broken heart
with the loss of this sweet little angel."

When I read the announcement that her baby was born, I tried so hard to hold back the tears. I kept trying to tell my co-worker that was sitting next to me when I read the email that I wasn't sad because her baby was born healthy...I'm just so sad that I don't have mine...I felt so empty in that moment. Such a huge contrast between her joy and my pain....but just 9 months ago we were both so excited. I tried not to cry...but I lost it. I REALLY lost it. I grabbed my purse and sobbed out, "I'm taking an early lunch" and walked out the door, straight to my car and drove to the cemetery. I just needed to "spend some time with my son". When I pulled into the cemetery I was reminded of the first time we took Ethan out there after the burial. He got so excited when we pulled in and said, "Look Mommy! This is where the flowers live!!!" What usually comes to our minds is a place that people are buried, a place that seems dark and kind of spooky at times, a place where people mourn and remember. I don't usually think of it as a place where something lives....which really, the flowers are mostly artificial, but no need to burst his bubble! I would much rather think of it as just that...the place where the flowers live. I stopped in front of Noah's grave, but there was a lady walking on the road that goes around the cemetery....yes, she was exercising in the cemetery. I decided to sit in my car and sob instead of making a scene. I just had to get it all out before I could go back to work. The rest of the day was fine and I kept it together. At 4:00 I left work and went to take photos for the Peach State Opera. I haven't done many photo shoots lately, so it was fun to be back in my element. I'll have them up on my photography blog soon (

When I got home on Friday night, our friends Brien and Hannah were at our house. David and Brien spent a couple of hours together writing a song. They played the song for Hannah and me. It's so beautiful!!! I can't believe they wrote it within just a few hours! I'm very excited about it and can't wait to hear it when they add drums and the full band.

Saturday Ethan and I went to my brother's house to watch the Alabama football game. Then Saturday night we had "Meet the Staff" for our newer members at our church so they could get to know our staff and their wives. Sunday was a great day. We went to lunch with a new couple that has been visiting and some other newer members. Then at 5:00 the church went out to one of our member's houses and baptized 8 people in their pool. We usually have a big cookout when we do a baptism, but it was raining. It was a busy weekend, but a fun weekend.


  1. Hoping & praying that God's hand of renewal & peace will continue working in your life & heart my friend.

  2. My best friend is pregnant with her first, and I'd never tell her, but I'm struggling with it. I'm so incredibly happy for her,... irrationally scared for the baby's life, and so empty from a heart that is entirely broken for MY son. I have an idea how you must be feeling. I wish we could just go back to the day when a baby's birth was joyful and untainted by our hurt.

    I love that Ethan has named the cemetery "Where the flowers live". Nothing says it better than the innocence of a child.