It's 4:30 in the morning and I just can't sleep. I miss Noah so much I can barely breathe. I just feel totally overwhelmed with grief tonight and just simply can't get a grip on myself. I'm sure hormones are playing a role in this as well. I just don't know how I will ever be able to go on with life as usual. In fact, I know I won't. I know I am changed forever. My life has changed forever. While I am on this earth I will forever be separated from my child and that is so incredibly hard to accept. He's in Heaven, I am here. There's no way for me to get to him, to hold him, to take care of him (not that he needs taking care of right now). I've heard other women say it and I've said it too, I feel like my body is in denial. Noah died and it's like my body doesn't even know it. My body is ready to nourish him and he's not even here!
The difficult thing about losing a child (or any loved one) is that eventually those around you move on with their lives while you still grieve. And I know that there will come a time when my friends and even some family won't understand why I'm still grieving or expect me to eventually "get over it and move on". Nobody can possibly understand this unless they have been through it. I need for all my family and friends to understand that I will never EVER get over this. While I know that eventually the burden may become easier to bare with God's help, I will never "get over" losing Noah. And I do not want Noah to be forgotten, no matter how many children we may have in the future. I want to talk about Noah. I want others to talk about Noah. I don't want anyone pretending he never existed and I don't want people to be afraid to ask questions about him. Noah was an individual...a real baby! He lived and he died. Though he may have never taken a breath outside of my womb, he still lived life in my womb. Ethan is a big brother and I want him to know about his baby brother.
God, please be with me. I'm crying out to you tonight because this is more than I can handle on my own!!!
Lisa, my heart aches for you. I cannot begin to understand grieving the loss of my own child, but I do understand grieving when everyone else seems to have moved on. I pray that God will give you peace as you grieve. I attendend a funeral for a baby girl a few days after Noah's death. The pastor told the family...that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some may grieve out loud, and other quietly. Some may grieve long, while others move on. Grieving is a healing process, and only you know how to grieve so that you can heal. Damian and I continue to pray for you and your family. And though life will never be the same for you (and you are right...it won't), be comforted in the fact that there will be a day when you will see Noah again.
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for you Lisa, I don't understand how anyone could just "expect" you too move on, I have never been in your shoes, but I could never imagine "moving on" and "getting over" something so close and precious to you. I love you
ReplyDeleteI'm grieving with you dear. My heart aches and cries out with you. . . I will always be here if you want to talk about Noah, ok? Do you have my number? If not, and you want it, message me and I'll send it to you.
ReplyDeleteLove you
I wish I had the right words to share with you but I just can't come up with anything that will do your grief justice. I can't imagine the suffering that you're enduring but your words speak to my heart & it aches for you. I am praying continually that He will comfort you on every side & guide you every day. I encourage you to get a journal & write to Noah. Share you heart, memories & anything else that comes to mind. Keep crying out to God to carry you through even if it's minute by minute...
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