It's 4:30 in the morning and I just can't sleep. I miss Noah so much I can barely breathe. I just feel totally overwhelmed with grief tonight and just simply can't get a grip on myself. I'm sure hormones are playing a role in this as well. I just don't know how I will ever be able to go on with life as usual. In fact, I know I won't. I know I am changed forever. My life has changed forever. While I am on this earth I will forever be separated from my child and that is so incredibly hard to accept. He's in Heaven, I am here. There's no way for me to get to him, to hold him, to take care of him (not that he needs taking care of right now). I've heard other women say it and I've said it too, I feel like my body is in denial. Noah died and it's like my body doesn't even know it. My body is ready to nourish him and he's not even here!
The difficult thing about losing a child (or any loved one) is that eventually those around you move on with their lives while you still grieve. And I know that there will come a time when my friends and even some family won't understand why I'm still grieving or expect me to eventually "get over it and move on". Nobody can possibly understand this unless they have been through it. I need for all my family and friends to understand that I will never EVER get over this. While I know that eventually the burden may become easier to bare with God's help, I will never "get over" losing Noah. And I do not want Noah to be forgotten, no matter how many children we may have in the future. I want to talk about Noah. I want others to talk about Noah. I don't want anyone pretending he never existed and I don't want people to be afraid to ask questions about him. Noah was an individual...a real baby! He lived and he died. Though he may have never taken a breath outside of my womb, he still lived life in my womb. Ethan is a big brother and I want him to know about his baby brother.
God, please be with me. I'm crying out to you tonight because this is more than I can handle on my own!!!