Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hard day

A few months ago David's mom planned a family trip for all of us to Tybee Island. We decided to keep our plans the same. The trip is coming at an appropriate time. We need to get away and just spend time together as a family. I think it will be good for us. We are looking forward to Ethan getting to enjoy being at the beach for the first time.

Today was a difficult day for us. David had a hectic day at work and I had an emotional day at home. Physically, I'm starting to feel much better. But today I felt panicked all day. The only way to explain my feeligs today is to say that I felt as though I had a missing child and that I needed to look for him. My heart was racing and I had a lot of anxiety throughout the day. I guess that's just part of this whole grieving process. I don't know if others who have lost a child feel the same way, but as a mother, I feel like I should have protected Noah from this. I know that there was probably nothing different I could have done (I was told more than once that I was being paranoid about my blood pressure), but I can't help but play the "what ifs" over and over in my mind. If only I had noticed that he wasn't moving sooner, maybe they could have taken him earlier before he died. It's so hard to just accept things as they are and move on....though in reality, is there really any other choice? We can't bring him back. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he's no longer here. I'm not pregnant anymore. He's gone. All the planning and preparing, all the baby stuff I registered for, the baby showers that were planned, the maternity clothes hanging in the closet, Noah's room ready and waiting for him, his spot at the daycare we picked for him, his big brother Ethan's hand-me-down baby clothes washed and ready for him in the closet, it's all for nothing. Our waiting arms....empty. It's hard to go from all that planning to suddenly flipping the switch and the only planning you have is burying your child and trying to pay for a grave marker to put his name on.

I know that Noah is in Heaven. I have no doubts that he is with Jesus and he is with the other 4 babies we have lost. His brothers and sisters were there to greet him. And one day we will go home and we will see all of our children that we never got to know here on this earth. While Noah lived the longest of all the children we lost, I still believe that his other siblings are in Heaven...that they had souls. No matter if they were 4 weeks, 5 weeks, 12 weeks, or 31 weeks. That is the only comfort I have in my heart for now. While I am here on this earth, I will miss them. I will miss Noah. And I will fear losing another child. I pray for God to give us peace and that we will trust Him and trust His plan for our lives. I just feel like I am eventually going to fall apart. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this....ok....I KNOW I'm not strong enough. I need God to hold me up, to hold David up. We cannot do this alone. God has given us amazing friendships and an amazing family to help hold us up through this. I don't know what we would do without this support system around us.

God knew I needed David. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible husband. He loves me so much. While I have heard story after story of how losses like this rip couples apart, it's having the oppostie affect on David and me. We have grown so close together since the loss of Noah. Our love for each other is stronger than it has ever been before. We are communicating with each other through all of the hurt and pain and I'm so thankful for that.

Please pray for us as we leave for the beach tomorrow and get some much-needed time away as a family.


  1. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. I pray that your time away is a blessing for you all.

    When you are weak He is strong... may His steadfast love & grace surround you moment by moment. What treasures await you in Heaven.

    Love Amber

  2. Dear Lisa,
    I am a 75 year old great grandmother who lives in Sweetwater, TX. I discovered your blog from Nate (the CF husband). I have been touched to the point of tears looking at the photos of your dear little Noah. I can only imagine the heartbreak that you and your family are suffering. My husband and I will have been married for 57 years on Aug. 30th, 2009. The first five years of our marriage we were told that we would need to plan on adopting our children as we appeared to be infertile. My heart was heavy every time I received a birth announcement from friends. But then God blessed us with a baby girl in March, 1957, a boy in Oct. 1958 and another girl in Jan. 1962. I never took any of my babies for granted because I knew that they came to us through no power of our own. Each was a blessing from God.
    I can tell from your writing that you and David are Christians and the strength of the Holy Spirit will get you through this. Jesus left behind a comforter for us, and it is the Holy Spirit. I honestly do not understand how non believers make it through a crisis without the comfort of our Heavenly Father. I will pray that you will be blessed with another pregnancy. Just keep the baby clothes pushed to the side in the closet and drawers in readiness for your next blessing. The next time both you and the doctors will be on guard every moment. You are still young and have time on your side.
    In our life we have been blessed with our last two grandchildren who are two little boys ages 10 and 11 and 1/2. Our daughter-in-law was 41 and 42 when she gave birth to them. She also has a son 26 and a daughter 28 by a first marriage. Our son had no children, so he is an extremely happy, "hands on" father. He used to despair of ever having a wife and children. God has blessed him and us.
    Please know that there are other people in the world who care about your suffering. I hope that the vacation away will have a renewing effect on you, David, and your precious son that you do have.
    Blessings from Lou Ann