A few months ago David's mom planned a family trip for all of us to Tybee Island. We decided to keep our plans the same. The trip is coming at an appropriate time. We need to get away and just spend time together as a family. I think it will be good for us. We are looking forward to Ethan getting to enjoy being at the beach for the first time.
Today was a difficult day for us. David had a hectic day at work and I had an emotional day at home. Physically, I'm starting to feel much better. But today I felt panicked all day. The only way to explain my feeligs today is to say that I felt as though I had a missing child and that I needed to look for him. My heart was racing and I had a lot of anxiety throughout the day. I guess that's just part of this whole grieving process. I don't know if others who have lost a child feel the same way, but as a mother, I feel like I should have protected Noah from this. I know that there was probably nothing different I could have done (I was told more than once that I was being paranoid about my blood pressure), but I can't help but play the "what ifs" over and over in my mind. If only I had noticed that he wasn't moving sooner, maybe they could have taken him earlier before he died. It's so hard to just accept things as they are and move on....though in reality, is there really any other choice? We can't bring him back. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he's no longer here. I'm not pregnant anymore. He's gone. All the planning and preparing, all the baby stuff I registered for, the baby showers that were planned, the maternity clothes hanging in the closet, Noah's room ready and waiting for him, his spot at the daycare we picked for him, his big brother Ethan's hand-me-down baby clothes washed and ready for him in the closet, it's all for nothing. Our waiting arms....empty. It's hard to go from all that planning to suddenly flipping the switch and the only planning you have is burying your child and trying to pay for a grave marker to put his name on.
I know that Noah is in Heaven. I have no doubts that he is with Jesus and he is with the other 4 babies we have lost. His brothers and sisters were there to greet him. And one day we will go home and we will see all of our children that we never got to know here on this earth. While Noah lived the longest of all the children we lost, I still believe that his other siblings are in Heaven...that they had souls. No matter if they were 4 weeks, 5 weeks, 12 weeks, or 31 weeks. That is the only comfort I have in my heart for now. While I am here on this earth, I will miss them. I will miss Noah. And I will fear losing another child. I pray for God to give us peace and that we will trust Him and trust His plan for our lives. I just feel like I am eventually going to fall apart. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this....ok....I KNOW I'm not strong enough. I need God to hold me up, to hold David up. We cannot do this alone. God has given us amazing friendships and an amazing family to help hold us up through this. I don't know what we would do without this support system around us.
God knew I needed David. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible husband. He loves me so much. While I have heard story after story of how losses like this rip couples apart, it's having the oppostie affect on David and me. We have grown so close together since the loss of Noah. Our love for each other is stronger than it has ever been before. We are communicating with each other through all of the hurt and pain and I'm so thankful for that.
Please pray for us as we leave for the beach tomorrow and get some much-needed time away as a family.