It's so hard to just go back to life as usual. It's amazing to me how your life can change in an instant. We've lost our child and in the last three days a friend's house burned halfway down, a friend's sister's leg was crushed in an accident, my great uncle died, and 2 of my friends had healthy babies (born alive and crying). Life goes on. You don't get a "time out" to just let it all sink in...you have to keep moving. Keep breathing.
Today we went and bought some artificial flowers to place on Noah's grave (since real flowers keep dying). We visited the grave for a while, then went out to eat. Then tonight we went to Stone Mountain with our church family. I know it's a good thing for me to be out of the house, but every few minutes I feel as though my heart is beating out of my chest and I feel the urge to just sob. And I certainly don't want to make a scene in public, so I hold it in....which then makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack at any moment.
One step at a time. Baby steps. I'm going back to church tomorrow for the first time since Noah's death. While I love my church family dearly and I know they love David and me, it's going to be hard. Of course, no matter where I go there are reminders of Noah. Reminders of being pregnant with him and feeling him kick. But going back to church and then going back to work in September will probably be two very difficult steps back into reality. Work especially. I was supposed to be going back to work part time after Noah was born. I was going to have Saturday-Tuesday every week to spend time at home with him, then we had a daycare picked out (separate from Ethan's because of $) for the rest of the week. And seeing all of my regular customers that were so excited about Noah's arrival give me that "I'm so sorry" look.....well, let's just say it's not something I'm looking forward to.
No matter what, life will go on and I know I have to go along with it. But I'll carry Noah with me. I can't forget him. He never leaves my mind. I just have to remember he's in the safest place he could possibly be and one day I'll be there with him too. For now, I must live.
A friend asked me the other day to let her know if there was anything she could do for me. I told her to hug her kids a little bit tighter. I am more thankful for Ethan now than I have ever been. I have realized what an absolute miracle he is. Most mothers (including myself) complain about the aches and pains they have during pregnancy. I wish so badly that I was still pregnant....I don't think I'll ever complain again about being pregnant (if the Lord so chooses to bless us again someday). I have SO many pregnant friends right now and all I can say is to thank God every time you feel your baby kick, every hiccup.....every heartbeat. Thank him for the aches and pains, the cramps, the discomfort, the sleepless nights. And even if the sex of the baby isn't what you were hoping for or expecting, praise Him that you have a healthy child. And when your child is born alive and starts crying....just thank Him. Realize that you are holding a miracle and that you are truly blessed.