Thursday, July 30, 2009


I'm so frustrated today. I just keep looking over this pathology report on the placenta and cord and I just don't understand it. There are so many things on it and researching these things only make me more upset. Some of the things on the report I have looked up online and I feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest when I see the words, "recurrence 100%". What does that mean???? If I get pregnant again will all these same things happen? Will I just carry another baby nearly to term only to lose them again? It's unbearable. And what about Ethan? My pregnancy with him was completely normal. No high blood pressure, no problems at all. I desperately want more children, but I need to know and understand the risks of this happening again. I cannot lose another child. I just can't. 5 pieces of my heart are in Heaven...I can't lose any more. And I really need to know if there was anything I could have done differently. Did I eat something wrong? Did I move wrong? Sleep wrong? Should I have insisted that the doctors do more and check on Noah more? And I just wish so much that I had paid more attention to his kicks...if only I had counted his kicks. At 27 weeks when my blood pressure had started to spike...he would have been better off outside of my womb than in. I wish I had known. Oh, how I wish I had known!!! I'm calling the pathologist that did my report tomorrow. I hope I can get some answers.

I went out to Noah's grave today and started crying hysterically when I saw they had removed Noah's flowers. We still don't have a grave marker yet (they are incredibly expensive--around $2000--- and we are trying to "shop around" for one). So we had placed some artificial flowers on the grave until we could get a marker. All that was out there was the little rectangle of grass that is still slightly raised. Most wouldn't even know our Noah was buried there. I guess they don't allow you to have anything out there unless there is a grave marker. I'm hoping we can order one soon.

The rain is appropriate today. My heart is heavy. I bought two books today for parents grieving the loss of a baby. I wish so much that I was buying books on breastfeeding or books on spending quality time with your baby and teaching your baby. I'm sitting here in an empty house, staring at an empty crib while I'm on "maternity leave" without my child. Everyone keeps saying, "It's just so terribly sad." It's beyond sad to me. It's unbelievable. Unthinkable. Pregnancy and birth are supposed to be such joyous times. Instead those words are now incredibly dark to me. When I hear "pregnancy" I think "pregnancy induced hypertension" and when I hear "birth" I think "stillbirth".

I wanted to share photos of Noah's room that I never got a chance to share. Many people have asked us if we are going to take down the crib and everything in his room. The answer is NO. We still hope to have another child someday and if we are so blessed, they will get to use their big brother's things. Most of the items in Noah's room were once Ethan's, but we did buy Noah a new bedding set. It has fish and bubbles on it.


  1. I've been following your blog. I lost my baby girl (stillborn) just over 13 years ago. I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you and your family.

  2. Hi. I just stumbled across your blog after reading the comments section on Angie Smith's blog, and I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you right now and I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter, Mary Grace, at 21 weeks gestation. She was born sleeping February 28th of this year. I just feel compelled to write this one scripture verse, "Know for certain that God holds you in every place." Proverbs 5:21 He certainly held me through all my stages of grief and continues to do so, even when I choose not to walk as closely with Him...He is always there. Sending prayers your way during this time.

  3. I found your blod today from the Piper family's site. I can not even begin to imagine your heartache. I praise God for the beautiful faith I see evidenced here, but my heart cries out to Him to be merciful to you and to fill your home with many little olive plants around your table.
    We, too, have one sweet son to fill our home with both tears and laughter. And we have three precious children who reign in glory with the King, praising Him eternally. I ache to hold them. Not a day goes by that I do not weep over my empty arms.
    But praise the Lord, for His grace is abundant, and He provides strength day by day.
    May He encourage you as you walk through this fire. And may He turn your weeping into laughter yet again.

  4. Dear Lisa,

    With many tears, I just read through the entire first page of your blog. I, too, can relate to many of your thoughts, sadness, and mixed joy after losing our daughter Olivia just 2 1/2 months ago. I have had her name written in the sand as well. My heart aches for you and your incredible loss of Noah. I agree. It's beyond unbelievable.

    I just wanted to mention that we have been looking into ordering our grave marker from We really have very little money at all and they seem to be much more affordable than our cemetery.

    Noah's nursery is beautiful by the way. I'm so glad you posted those pictures of it. It honors him and the love that you have for him, even though you are not on the same side of eternity at the moment.

    In Him,