Frustrated

I'm so frustrated today. I just keep looking over this pathology report on the placenta and cord and I just don't understand it. There are so many things on it and researching these things only make me more upset. Some of the things on the report I have looked up online and I feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest when I see the words, "recurrence 100%". What does that mean???? If I get pregnant again will all these same things happen? Will I just carry another baby nearly to term only to lose them again? It's unbearable. And what about Ethan? My pregnancy with him was completely normal. No high blood pressure, no problems at all. I desperately want more children, but I need to know and understand the risks of this happening again. I cannot lose another child. I just can't. 5 pieces of my heart are in Heaven...I can't lose any more. And I really need to know if there was anything I could have done differently. Did I eat something wrong? Did I move wrong? Sleep wrong? Should I have insisted that the doctors do more and check on Noah more? And I just wish so much that I had paid more attention to his kicks...if only I had counted his kicks. At 27 weeks when my blood pressure had started to spike...he would have been better off outside of my womb than in. I wish I had known. Oh, how I wish I had known!!! I'm calling the pathologist that did my report tomorrow. I hope I can get some answers.

I went out to Noah's grave today and started crying hysterically when I saw they had removed Noah's flowers. We still don't have a grave marker yet (they are incredibly expensive--around $2000--- and we are trying to "shop around" for one). So we had placed some artificial flowers on the grave until we could get a marker. All that was out there was the little rectangle of grass that is still slightly raised. Most wouldn't even know our Noah was buried there. I guess they don't allow you to have anything out there unless there is a grave marker. I'm hoping we can order one soon.

The rain is appropriate today. My heart is heavy. I bought two books today for parents grieving the loss of a baby. I wish so much that I was buying books on breastfeeding or books on spending quality time with your baby and teaching your baby. I'm sitting here in an empty house, staring at an empty crib while I'm on "maternity leave" without my child. Everyone keeps saying, "It's just so sad...so terribly sad." It's beyond sad to me. It's unbelievable. Unthinkable. Pregnancy and birth are supposed to be such joyous times. Instead those words are now incredibly dark to me. When I hear "pregnancy" I think "pregnancy induced hypertension" and when I hear "birth" I think "stillbirth".

I wanted to share photos of Noah's room that I never got a chance to share. Many people have asked us if we are going to take down the crib and everything in his room. The answer is NO. We still hope to have another child someday and if we are so blessed, they will get to use their big brother's things. Most of the items in Noah's room were once Ethan's, but we did buy Noah a new bedding set. It has fish and bubbles on it.