Saturday, January 29, 2011

She's still here

I woke up this morning to Ella kicking away and I thought, "she's still here". Noah lived just 30 weeks and 5 days. Today Ella is 30 weeks, 6 days. Yesterday was a good day. I thought it would be difficult, but I was in good spirits.

On Tuesday I wasn't feeling Ella move. At 1:00 I felt a few kicks, but then nothing. At my doctor's appointment at 3:45 I told the nurse I was a bit nervous that something could be wrong because she usually is so active throughout the day. I told her that she may have just changed positions. They decided to do an ultrasound and sure enough, Ella had turned completely around and was breech again. Ethan had to come with me to my appointment and he was very excited to see Ella up on the screen. She was perfectly fine and started kicking and moving all around during the ultrasound. I'm sure I'm just a bit paranoid because of it being week 30.

On Wednesday some of our very best friends (Dewayne & Brandi) welcomed their 2nd child (a son) into the world. David and I drove straight to Augusta after work to meet Christopher Finn. He weighed just 5lbs, 14oz and when Dewayne placed him in my arms, I kind of lost it. I'm so thankful for a friend like Brandi who really gets it. I felt like a blubbering idiot as my tears dripped all over her beautiful newborn baby. But I just couldn't fight it. I haven't held a newborn so tiny since Noah (who was just 3lbs, 6oz.). A flood of memories came back. Brandi told me she thought of Noah during labor and throughout the day. Even though I missed Noah so much in that moment, I thanked God that sweet Finn had made it safely into this world (he was growth restricted and came a little early, so he gave everyone a bit of a scare).

I cried the whole way home. It was good for me I think. I had bottled up a lot of feelings the last few weeks and just really needed to let it all out. I miss Noah. I'm excited and hopeful about Ella. But I want them both.

Today we went to eat at Panera Bread and after I placed my order the cashier asked me a few questions about my pregnancy. I told her I was having a girl. She looked over at Ethan and then she looked at me and said, "Great! A boy and a girl! Now you are complete!" If she only knew how incomplete I feel. Having Ella will in no way make me feel complete. That will only happen when we get to Heaven. But I know I will feel so much joy when they place her in my arms. After meeting little Finn, I am so much more anxious for Ella's arrival.

Thank you all so much for the kind words, prayers, and encouragement this week. Tomorrow we reach a new milestone that we never reached with Noah....

Week 31.


  1. Just thinking about you guys today. Happy 31 weeks!

  2. I'm so glad you made it past that milestone and had a fairly good day to boot! SO glad your Ella is okay.

    Congratulations to your friends! I remember you talking about them on Xanga. I probably would have lost it, too, if I was in your shoes. I'm so glad they understand. :)

  3. Yay! You are here at 31 weeks! Praise God! I've been praying for you this past week! And I have gotten those same comments..."oh a boy and a girl", now you can be done! They irritate me a bit, but I try to use it as an opportunity to let them know how open we are to new life. I even had one lady say, "a girl and a boy in 2 tries!"... I politely corrected her...."six, we have four in heaven".

  4. You're doing a great job and you're SO close!

    I know how anxious you are, I remember these last few weeks very clearly. You're in my prayers.
    Can't wait to see pictures of your Ella!