Wednesday, December 2, 2009

In Need of Peace

Tonight is one of those nights. I'm about to be too honest for some of you to handle....please don't take offense.....I'm just a mother missing her son. It's a night where all I can do is try to come up for air....I feel like I'm drowning in grief. All I can think about is the sadness, the frustration, my heart that is so broken and how I just want my son back. God give me peace tonight. Give me a heart that is not envious but is able to rejoice with others. I'm trying so hard to be happy for my friends. Can I just be honest? It's so hard!!! It's all over facebook and blogger. Joy over the arrival of new babies, joy over babies that will soon be here. "I'm pregnant!", "It's a Boy!", "It's a Girl", "It's Twins!".................

My son is gone. There is no more excitement...only pain. Only tears.

I do rejoice with my friends. I truly am overjoyed when a new baby arrives safely....healthy. I think I would lose my mind if I had to watch a friend of mine go through what we are going through. I just wish my son was here....I hope that I'm understood on this. I don't want anyone who is pregnant or who has a newborn to misunderstand this....

I'm just sad for US.

It's so difficult to go from total bliss....complete devastation. My child stripped from my womb. I ache to feel him again. The days pass by and I still feel like I'm in a fog and life just goes on. I understand that the world can't stop because Noah died, but my world has come to an abrupt halt and I can't just go on like nothing has happened.

I got sick to my stomach tonight when I went to Wolf Camera to pick up some pictures I had ordered. They handed me 2 boxes of pictures. One had pictures of Ethan from the time he was a baby until now. I wanted them to put on a photo board I bought to hang in my office at work. Then I opened the other box. It was an old order of mine from October that I hadn't picked up yet. Pictures of Noah's grave marker. I felt myself feeling sick and angry and sad all at the same time.

I think any woman who is pregnant or has had a child can understand that from the moment you find out you are pregnant, you begin to dream about what the child will be like and look like. You dream about their future, what school they will go to, what they will be when they grow up and who they will marry. I don't think it ever crosses a pregnant woman's mind (unless she's had a previous loss) that a grave marker could be in her child's near future. It's not something you prepare your heart for.

Forgive me.

I have a Savior who's shoulder I need to cry on tonight.


  1. You don't need to apologize at all. I can't speak for others, but I feel the same way you do. Happiness for a new baby, but heartbreak that Wyatt is gone. Each new announcement is a reminder of what I should have and don't. I think anyone who has walked our shoes would completely agree. I'm sorry you are having such a rough night. Praying for God to send you peace and comfort tonight. (((Hugs)))

  2. It has been going on 2.5 years since my baby went to Heaven and there are still days that I feel like I'm going to throw up from the grief that overcomes me. It comes in waves now and then and I never know when they will hit me. I had the most wonderful conversation with my almost 4 year old tonight because she had a visit from her sister(Hazel) in her dream during her nap. I asked her SO many questions about what it was like and what they did. She told me with such a wonderful heavenly look on her face. I encourage you to ask God to give you dreams of Noah. I am still asking God for a dream of Hazel and I haven't had one yet. I suppose God knows when I will be ready. Take comfort tonight in Our God... crawl up in His lap and lay your sweet head on His chest. He will take your cares and take your tears and remember.....
    Psalm 126:5
    Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

  3. Yes, from the moment I found out I began dreaming of my baby and the new life we would have with them in it. I never imagine our world would be shattered and we'd have to bury our child.

    I am definitely happy for those who are pregnant and have babies. Babies are a great thing to celebrate! But it can also sting too b/c I don't have my baby and I want so desperately to have a baby that I can take home.

  4. Mine is different grief, but yesterday was an AWEFUL day for me. I was dealing with young mothers=--in my home---who resent their children. Here I am, supposed to be planning on a birth in coming months, and instead I'm dealing with scar tissue issues from my still-red-angry-looking-incision and resulting daily pain, and wondering if it will happen again, since I now carry a risk for another ruptured pregnancy in my remaining tube. Why, why, why, do the moms who don't want kids get them so easily and I'm not sure if we ever will again without another (traumatic, life-threatening) loss???? And why, why, why, is God asking me to minister to those kind of women!?!?!

    I didn't write that to minimize your grief. It just felt good to get that out right now, cuz yesterday's bad time carried into today. . . your honesty provoked mine I guess. I wrote about it on Xanga but it wasn't enough.

    So all that said. . . I can't imagine your grief but my heart ACHES so much that you have it. I wish I could make it better for you my friend. Oh, I wish that!

    Miss you. Love you. Always, always praying for you.

  5. I can't even pretend to understand, but I can say you don't need to apologize. There's no room for apologies bc grief isn't something you can control. Loss is so overwhelming and sometimes you need an outlet. This blog is yours. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't tell you how badly I wish you didn't have to know this journey. I pray God will hold you especially tight during this time, and comfort you as only he can. <3

  6. This is a feeling and connection that I wished I had never had to be a part of. My angel boy left this earth almost 3.5 years ago. I miss him sometimes so much that I am in physical pain. Losing a child is the absolute worst thing that can ever happen to us on this Earth. As time has passed the only Peace I get is knowing that he is safe and living the best life he could ever imagine. I get so mad and angry and depressed that it is not with me, but knowing that our Savior holds him while I cry eases some of my grief. While I deal with secondary fertility I am having to deal with never being a mother again and my grief feels it will never end.
    God Bless You and hold you tightly as you learn to live your "new normal"

  7. I have never been through a stillbirth, but lost a child to a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. I can only imagine how much harder what you're going through is... and my grief has been so real and so hard and still crops up actively, 4 years after the D&C and resulting surgeries. I so understand the feeling of a child being stripped from the womb. I so understand the lost naivety that every pregnancy will result in a healthy baby. I understand, thank you for sharing your feelings, & hope you know this is your blog & you can write whatever you want, whenever you want to.