Tonight is one of those nights. I'm about to be too honest for some of you to handle....please don't take offense.....I'm just a mother missing her son. It's a night where all I can do is try to come up for air....I feel like I'm drowning in grief. All I can think about is the sadness, the frustration, my heart that is so broken and how I just want my son back. God give me peace tonight. Give me a heart that is not envious but is able to rejoice with others. I'm trying so hard to be happy for my friends. Can I just be honest? It's so hard!!! It's all over facebook and blogger. Joy over the arrival of new babies, joy over babies that will soon be here. "I'm pregnant!", "It's a Boy!", "It's a Girl", "It's Twins!".................
My son is gone. There is no more excitement...only pain. Only tears.
I do rejoice with my friends. I truly am overjoyed when a new baby arrives safely....healthy. I think I would lose my mind if I had to watch a friend of mine go through what we are going through. I just wish my son was here....I hope that I'm understood on this. I don't want anyone who is pregnant or who has a newborn to misunderstand this....
I'm just sad for US.
It's so difficult to go from total bliss....complete excitement....to devastation. My child stripped from my womb. I ache to feel him again. The days pass by and I still feel like I'm in a fog and life just goes on. I understand that the world can't stop because Noah died, but my world has come to an abrupt halt and I can't just go on like nothing has happened.
I got sick to my stomach tonight when I went to Wolf Camera to pick up some pictures I had ordered. They handed me 2 boxes of pictures. One had pictures of Ethan from the time he was a baby until now. I wanted them to put on a photo board I bought to hang in my office at work. Then I opened the other box. It was an old order of mine from October that I hadn't picked up yet. Pictures of Noah's grave marker. I felt myself feeling sick and angry and sad all at the same time.
I think any woman who is pregnant or has had a child can understand that from the moment you find out you are pregnant, you begin to dream about what the child will be like and look like. You dream about their future, what school they will go to, what they will be when they grow up and who they will marry. I don't think it ever crosses a pregnant woman's mind (unless she's had a previous loss) that a grave marker could be in her child's near future. It's not something you prepare your heart for.
I have a Savior who's shoulder I need to cry on tonight.