One Year Ago

A year ago today we found out that Noah existed. After 4 pregnancy tests, we finally felt certain that I was pregnant. We fell in love immediately, risking broken hearts. Just 24 days before finding out I was pregnant with Noah, I had miscarried. So we couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant again so soon. We guarded our hearts until the 12th week, then we believed we were in the clear. Most pregnant women expect everything to be fine after the end of the first trimester. Who really expects something to go wrong after that point? Never would I have dreamed that I would lose my son at 31 weeks.

Christmas Day was difficult for us. I woke up ready to face the day and excited to see Ethan's eyes light up when he saw his new bike. He was more excited about seeing his Mamaw though! We caught it on video. He walked into the living room and ran right past the presents yelling, "Mamaw!!!!!!". He ran straight to my mom and gave her a huge hug before giving a thought to the display of gifts in the living room. I imagine our response to Jesus when we get to Heaven will be similar to that!

We went to Macon and spent time with family. On the way I read a book that our dear friends, Dewayne and Brandi had sent to us. If you have lost a child, please read this book!!! It's called, "Symphony in the Dark" by Barbara Rainey and Rebecca Rainey Mutz. Rebecca's daughter, Molly lived just 7 days after she was born in June of 2008. It was totally unexpected. The book is written by Rebecca, the mother, along with HER mother (Molly's grandmother). Rebecca also has a blog www.rebeccacooks.blogspot.com. I sobbed the whole way down to Macon as I read the book. So many emotions, so many memories. She expresses a lot of the same feelings I had and still have. I looked at Rebecca's blog after reading the book and saw that she is now pregnant with twin girls. I also saw that she lost a son at 14 weeks this year. It's unbelievable to lose a child...but to lose more than one...agony.

On the way home from Macon I cried so hard. My arms ached to hold Noah. To remember his sweet smell. To share Christmas with him. Even though I cry often in front of David, I rarely try to explain the emotions going on inside me while I'm that upset. I could barely get out the words, but I told David that I didn't want to be angry on Christmas...but I was. I told him how I was so frustrated that the anguish I am feeling has no relief. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make the hurt go away. Holding Noah is the only way to "cure" it...and that is impossible. This knocks the breath out of me. I pulled the scarf around my neck up to my face and just screamed and screamed. David said there are times like these that he wishes he could just sob with me for a while. He doesn't cry often....in fact, it's very rare. He hurts just as badly as I hurt...but releasing it doesn't come so easy.

Rebecca and her mother quoted a man named Larry Crabb in the book:

"The suffering caused by shattered dreams must not be thought of as something to relieve if we can or endure if we must. It's an opportunity to be embraced, a chance to discover our desire for the highest blessing God wants to give us, an encounter with Himself!"

God, I want to embrace the suffering and encounter you. You are my hope and comfort. I only find rest in you.