David and I had the discussion the other night. It's the discussion that many married couples have...when to try to get pregnant. Of course for us this conversation has happened many times over the years. We had it right after we got married in June of 2003. We decided to wait at least 2 years before we would start trying. God had other plans. We got pregnant with twins in August of 2004. Then we lost them in October of 2004. It was a difficult time for us and really tested our marriage. We learned how each other grieved. And while we didn't know it then, it would prepare our marriage for the loss of Noah.
We had been so excited about the pregnancy with the twins and I wanted to get pregnant again right away. But David wanted to wait.
So we waited.
At the time I thought we would wait a few months, but we waited a whole year. That year was a very difficult year for me.
Then we got pregnant in July of 2005 and I miscarried right away. And then the very next month, on August 29th - 2 days after my 25th birthday and exactly one year to the day that we found out we were pregnant with the twins - we found out we were pregnant with Ethan. And he was due on the same day (just one year later) that the twins were due...May 6th.
I had a completely normal pregnancy with Ethan and he arrived right on his due date...May 6, 2006. After having him I realized just how difficult it would have been to have twins. One at a time is a lot of work. We decided to wait and just enjoy Ethan for a few years before we would try again. In November of 2008, when Ethan was 2 and 1/2, we tried again. We got pregnant. Again. A few days later...we miscarried. Again.
"Is this your plan for us God?" I questioned. "I don't understand why you would make it so easy for us to get pregnant only to take our children away from us." The very next month, December, we got pregnant again. And as you know, 31 weeks later we lost Noah.
And so here we are again. But the question has changed. It's not just "WHEN will we try again", it's "SHOULD we"? At this point we feel like it's a huge risk. The risk of ending up with broken hearts....again. Should we let Ethan get his hopes up that he will have a little brother or sister to play with?
David and I aren't on the same page with these questions yet. We're both not ready, but we both have different timelines in our head and that can be difficult. Adoption is always in the back of our minds. We're both still hurting so badly and the thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test right now makes my heart ache. It won't be Noah. And I have to be ok with that first. But I'm also sad that Ethan will be 4 in May and he still has no living siblings to grow up with. What if we do try and we can't get pregnant right away like we have in the past? What will that do to us emotionally? My heart aches right now for others who are trying and trying and haven't gotten pregnant yet. I don't know if it would put me over the edge if that was me. These are all signs that we aren't ready to try.
Only God knows if and when. We will trust Him, seek Him, and wait.