I had a long night of tears last night. It's been a while so I guess it was bound to happen again soon. Maybe it's good for me now and then, but I feel so drained this morning and just...well...sad. A friend of mine just had her baby and she said something on her facebook about how amazing it is that you go into a hospital one person and come out completely different. I remember so well the joy I felt leaving the hospital with Ethan, so I totally get what she means. But it got me thinking about how completely different I was when I left that hospital with empty arms, handing my lifeless child over to strangers.
I know, I know, you've heard it all before, but just let me have a moment.
I remember David calling Brad and Sandra to ask them to watch Ethan for a few minutes so we could go have a quick ultrasound and make sure Noah was ok since I wasn't feeling him move. When we walked to the door to drop off Ethan, Sandra and I exchanged a look and I don't know what Sandra was thinking in that moment, but I was thinking "I'm just being paranoid, we will be back here in a few minutes". It never occurred to me that my life was about to be flipped upside down and it would be days later before I would return home and that I would be empty.
It bothers me so much that I don't know exactly when Noah died. His grave marker says "July 7, 2009" but that was the day he was born, not the day he died. It's so strange that his death date is before his birth date. I have no idea how long I carried him while he was already gone. I wish I had paid more attention to his kicks. It's agony to sit here and wish I could go back and rush to the hospital the moment after I felt his last kick...to maybe save him.
I am leaving to go to Macon with David and Ethan. I'll hash out some more of these feelings later. And I'll go ahead and say thank you for the prayers. Especially from you baby loss moms who totally understand. I'm so thankful I found you ladies. It has helped me so much in this journey.