Thursday, February 18, 2010

Another Update

Thank you so much for all of you who have been praying for my mom. If you don't know, my mom had gastric bypass surgery on Feb. 10th. I spoke with her yesterday and she was very excited to tell me that she stepped on the scale for the first time and after just one week, she has lost 20 pounds. This gave her a huge boost of excitement. She has been in a lot of pain (but it's manageable) and she has been able to keep down jello, chicken broth, and her protein shakes she has to drink. I went to see her the other night and she walked up and down the stairs about 5 times...probably a little too much, but it's great that she is up and moving. Thank you all for your continued prayers!

I haven't really talked about how I've been feeling lately. Things have been a little strange I guess. I hate to even say this, but I must be honest. I've been pushing away thoughts of Noah for a while now. I just got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore. My heart was aching and I knew I needed to be there for Ethan, so I stopped visiting Noah's grave as much (I was going at least two or three times a week) and I just didn't let myself sit and think about him for long periods of time. It's really impossible to get him off my mind completely...and honestly, I feel like a horrible mother for even trying. But lately there are so many reminders around me. Of course all newborn babies make me think of him and miss him. Many of our friends have had their babies....some of the last few that were pregnant while I was pregnant. My best friend should be having her baby sometime this week or next. Yesterday I had an unexpected moment of tears. I went to pay my water bill and went through the little drive-thru. In the window of the drive-thru were these paper baseballs with kids names on them all over the window. The very first one that I saw said, "Noah" on it. It immediately took my mind to the time when I found out Noah was a boy. I remember telling David how cool it would be for him to play ball with our boys and maybe he would Coach their little league teams. Anyway, it was one of those moments that caught me off guard and I burst into tears. It's really rare that I cry these days. I have just pushed off the sad thoughts because I just needed a break. That's become harder to do over these past few days. I just feel sad and there have been a few self pity moments where I have thought about how unfair it is that I don't have my son. But who said life is fair?

I posted a few of mine and David's wedding photos recently on my facebook. I can't help but feel envious of that girl I see in those pictures. Yes, envious of who I once was. I'm not that girl anymore and David isn't that guy anymore. We were unbelievably happy. Life was perfect. Our whole lives were ahead of us...a happy life with 3 or 4 beautiful children. That was our plan.

That's why happiness can't be placed in the here and now. From an earthly perspective, I only have one child. From an eternal (Heavenly) perspective, I have 6 healthy children and we will spend eternity with them and with our Savior! If we could only focus on that...this ache won't be here but for a blink of an eye in comparison with the eternal joy we will have.

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