My Hubby

This past Sunday my hubby stepped out of his comfort zone and spoke at our church. David is the worship leader and he can sing in front of people all day and never get nervous, but he isn't used to speaking in front of a large group. He really did a great job! He spoke a little bit about Noah at the end (which is very difficult for him and isn't something he does often). Oh how I love this man!!!!

Here is the podcast to the service...just ignore how many times he says, "You know". :o)
http://www.discoverpoint.org/podcast/sermon22110_agwnf5.mp3

A Beautiful Day

My friend, April had her baby (Cody Ryan) early this morning. He weighed 8lbs 3oz. (the same as my sweet boy, Ethan) and was 19.5 inches. I wanted to be there so badly today. She lives about 3 hours from me and my hubby was speaking at church this morning so I really needed to be there to support him. I can't wait to meet little Cody and to take tons of photos of the sweet boy!!!

For those of you who don't know, David (my hubby) is our worship leader at our church (www.discoverpointchurch.com). Our pastor is out of town, so he asked David to speak. He was finishing up a series titled "A God Who Never Fails" and about the life of Abraham. He did such a great job! He spoke about the death of Sarah and about how life is fragile and short, so what are we going to do with our influence? He spoke about Noah (for the first time in a public setting like that) and how we are now able to encourage and influence people for Christ that we would never have otherwise been able to reach. My hope and prayer for this blog is that through the transparency of these raw emotions that I share, someone will be drawn closer to Christ. I cry, I mourn, but with the hope of Heaven. For without it, I couldn't go on. On earth we see death as the end. But for a Christ follower, it is truly just the beginning! This life is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. So while we are here on this earth, what are you going to do with your influence? What are you going to do to impact this generation for Christ? What are you going to do with the gifts, talents, and experiences that God has given you? Will you use them for His glory? I really I hope I do. That is truly my heart's desire.

I'll post a link to the podcast of David speaking as soon as it's up on the website.

PRAY!

Please pray for my best friend. Her water broke a little while ago and she's at the hospital now. We are praying for a safe delivery of her firstborn child, Cody Ryan.

Long night

I had a long night of tears last night. It's been a while so I guess it was bound to happen again soon. Maybe it's good for me now and then, but I feel so drained this morning and just...well...sad. A friend of mine just had her baby and she said something on her facebook about how amazing it is that you go into a hospital one person and come out completely different. I remember so well the joy I felt leaving the hospital with Ethan, so I totally get what she means. But it got me thinking about how completely different I was when I left that hospital with empty arms, handing my lifeless child over to strangers.

I know, I know, you've heard it all before, but just let me have a moment.

I remember David calling Brad and Sandra to ask them to watch Ethan for a few minutes so we could go have a quick ultrasound and make sure Noah was ok since I wasn't feeling him move. When we walked to the door to drop off Ethan, Sandra and I exchanged a look and I don't know what Sandra was thinking in that moment, but I was thinking "I'm just being paranoid, we will be back here in a few minutes". It never occurred to me that my life was about to be flipped upside down and it would be days later before I would return home and that I would be empty.

It bothers me so much that I don't know exactly when Noah died. His grave marker says "July 7, 2009" but that was the day he was born, not the day he died. It's so strange that his death date is before his birth date. I have no idea how long I carried him while he was already gone. I wish I had paid more attention to his kicks. It's agony to sit here and wish I could go back and rush to the hospital the moment after I felt his last kick...to maybe save him.

I am leaving to go to Macon with David and Ethan. I'll hash out some more of these feelings later. And I'll go ahead and say thank you for the prayers. Especially from you baby loss moms who totally understand. I'm so thankful I found you ladies. It has helped me so much in this journey.

Amazing Love Story

If you haven't seen the link to a blog that Monica (The Writer Chic) stumbled across while browsing online, it is a MUST READ. I spent an hour sobbing over this beautiful love (and birth) story. It's a long story, so make sure you have time to read it. It is beautifully written.

God brings beauty out of the unexpected. It's something I'm learning in my own life.

http://enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

Another Update

Thank you so much for all of you who have been praying for my mom. If you don't know, my mom had gastric bypass surgery on Feb. 10th. I spoke with her yesterday and she was very excited to tell me that she stepped on the scale for the first time and after just one week, she has lost 20 pounds. This gave her a huge boost of excitement. She has been in a lot of pain (but it's manageable) and she has been able to keep down jello, chicken broth, and her protein shakes she has to drink. I went to see her the other night and she walked up and down the stairs about 5 times...probably a little too much, but it's great that she is up and moving. Thank you all for your continued prayers!

I haven't really talked about how I've been feeling lately. Things have been a little strange I guess. I hate to even say this, but I must be honest. I've been pushing away thoughts of Noah for a while now. I just got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore. My heart was aching and I knew I needed to be there for Ethan, so I stopped visiting Noah's grave as much (I was going at least two or three times a week) and I just didn't let myself sit and think about him for long periods of time. It's really impossible to get him off my mind completely...and honestly, I feel like a horrible mother for even trying. But lately there are so many reminders around me. Of course all newborn babies make me think of him and miss him. Many of our friends have had their babies....some of the last few that were pregnant while I was pregnant. My best friend should be having her baby sometime this week or next. Yesterday I had an unexpected moment of tears. I went to pay my water bill and went through the little drive-thru. In the window of the drive-thru were these paper baseballs with kids names on them all over the window. The very first one that I saw said, "Noah" on it. It immediately took my mind to the time when I found out Noah was a boy. I remember telling David how cool it would be for him to play ball with our boys and maybe he would Coach their little league teams. Anyway, it was one of those moments that caught me off guard and I burst into tears. It's really rare that I cry these days. I have just pushed off the sad thoughts because I just needed a break. That's become harder to do over these past few days. I just feel sad and there have been a few self pity moments where I have thought about how unfair it is that I don't have my son. But who said life is fair?

I posted a few of mine and David's wedding photos recently on my facebook. I can't help but feel envious of that girl I see in those pictures. Yes, envious of who I once was. I'm not that girl anymore and David isn't that guy anymore. We were unbelievably happy. Life was perfect. Our whole lives were ahead of us...a happy life with 3 or 4 beautiful children. That was our plan.

That's why happiness can't be placed in the here and now. From an earthly perspective, I only have one child. From an eternal (Heavenly) perspective, I have 6 healthy children and we will spend eternity with them and with our Savior! If we could only focus on that...this ache won't be here but for a blink of an eye in comparison with the eternal joy we will have.

Snow Day

I know that many of you northerners are tired of the snow, but here in Georgia, we RARELY get any, so we get very excited when even a few snowflakes fall. I know you all like to laugh at us because when we get news that snow might be on it's way, we close down everything (which is great since I work for the school system!). So Friday morning I got a call that the schools were closed for the day. Ethan and I stayed home (David still had to go into work) and we waited. Ethan had his nose glued to the window, waiting for the first flakes to fall. As it turns out, I could have easily gone to work because it didn't start snowing until 2:00. It never stopped until about 10:30.

David making a snow angel....

David and Ethan building a snowman (though I don't think they ever completed it!)

By the time it stopped, we had about 4 inches here at our house (which is the most we've seen in the 5 years that we've lived here). We live on 1 acre of land and it's all in front of our house. We don't have a nice flat yard though...it's a giant hill that is no fun for kids to play in....until it snows, that is!!!!

We invited friends over (ones that could safely drive over) and the sledding began!

--And just so you know, we southerners don't have sleds since it rarely snows. We use whatever we can find...cardboard boxes with plastic trash bags over them, large storage container lids, cookie pans, you name it!

The next morning it was a Winter Wonderland...

And of course the day would not be complete without visiting my sweet Noah
on this beautiful day...

Update

My mom had her gastric bypass surgery today. Thank you so much for praying! It went great! They started the surgery a little after 9:00 this morning and by 11:30, the doctor walked into the waiting room with a grin from ear to ear....which immediately had me sigh with relief! Mom had a hiatal hernia which the doctor repaired while he was in there. She was in a good bit of pain, but was really doing great for the most part. The worst part (she said) was how dry her mouth and throat were. They would not allow her to drink even one sip of water. All she could do was sip some water and then spit it out in a cup. That part was misery for her. My dad just kept saying how courageous she was. I have to agree! I hope this is just the beginning of a road to a healthier life for her. She was up walking the halls tonight and I'm so thankful that God guided the hands of the surgeon!

And an update on mine and David's weight loss journey. So far I've lost 13 pounds and my hubby has lost 14! I'm about halfway to my first goal. It's not coming off as fast as in the beginning, but it's still coming off and that's all that matters!

I leave you with a pic of me and my sweet boy!

Try, Try Again?

David and I had the discussion the other night. It's the discussion that many married couples have...when to try to get pregnant. Of course for us this conversation has happened many times over the years. We had it right after we got married in June of 2003. We decided to wait at least 2 years before we would start trying. God had other plans. We got pregnant with twins in August of 2004. Then we lost them in October of 2004. It was a difficult time for us and really tested our marriage. We learned how each other grieved. And while we didn't know it then, it would prepare our marriage for the loss of Noah.

We had been so excited about the pregnancy with the twins and I wanted to get pregnant again right away. But David wanted to wait.

So we waited.

At the time I thought we would wait a few months, but we waited a whole year. That year was a very difficult year for me.


VERY DIFFICULT.


Then we got pregnant in July of 2005 and I miscarried right away. And then the very next month, on August 29th - 2 days after my 25th birthday and exactly one year to the day that we found out we were pregnant with the twins - we found out we were pregnant with Ethan. And he was due on the same day (just one year later) that the twins were due...May 6th.


I had a completely normal pregnancy with Ethan and he arrived right on his due date...May 6, 2006. After having him I realized just how difficult it would have been to have twins. One at a time is a lot of work. We decided to wait and just enjoy Ethan for a few years before we would try again. In November of 2008, when Ethan was 2 and 1/2, we tried again. We got pregnant. Again. A few days later...we miscarried. Again.

"Is this your plan for us God?" I questioned. "I don't understand why you would make it so easy for us to get pregnant only to take our children away from us." The very next month, December, we got pregnant again. And as you know, 31 weeks later we lost Noah.

And so here we are again. But the question has changed. It's not just "WHEN will we try again", it's "SHOULD we"? At this point we feel like it's a huge risk. The risk of ending up with broken hearts....again. Should we let Ethan get his hopes up that he will have a little brother or sister to play with?

David and I aren't on the same page with these questions yet. We're both not ready, but we both have different timelines in our head and that can be difficult. Adoption is always in the back of our minds. We're both still hurting so badly and the thought of seeing a positive pregnancy test right now makes my heart ache. It won't be Noah. And I have to be ok with that first. But I'm also sad that Ethan will be 4 in May and he still has no living siblings to grow up with. What if we do try and we can't get pregnant right away like we have in the past? What will that do to us emotionally? My heart aches right now for others who are trying and trying and haven't gotten pregnant yet. I don't know if it would put me over the edge if that was me. These are all signs that we aren't ready to try.

Only God knows if and when. We will trust Him, seek Him, and wait.