Our Family Sign

David has been asking me to order a sign with all of our names on it. When David first watched the testimony of Todd & Angie Smith and the story of their daughter, Audrey, he noticed a sign they had made with all of their family's names on it (including Audrey's). David wanted a sign with all of our names including Noah's. I searched online for something similar to what the Smith family had (I believe theirs is made of cast stone). Everything I found wasn't exactly what we wanted or it was too expensive. So instead, I bought a wooden sign from Michael's for $6 and painted it myself. I love how it turned out!

3 Months Ago...

All I can ask for is prayer. David and I are having a very difficult night tonight and we miss Noah terribly. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. The grief is still so fresh for us.

October...A Time to Remember

The month of October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. It's a time to remember the thousands of children who are taken too soon every year. It's also a time to honor those families who are left with broken hearts, missing children that they never knew, or knew only for a little while. If you know someone who has suffered a tragedy of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other early infant death, let this month be a time to reach out to them. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day so this would be a great time to do something special for someone.

I can't tell you how much it means to a mother for you to remember her child. You may know a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a teacher, a neighbor, a blog friend, or someone else who has suffered a loss. Why not do something special for them? No matter how long ago their loss was, there are so many great ways to honor them. A few suggestions: Give them a gift with their child's name on it....or maybe something with the date of birth, weight and length. It really means so much to receive something with your child's name on it! If they did not have a name, you could buy them an angel figurine, stuffed animal, personalized jewelry (maybe with the child's birthstone or engraved with a personal message), or something that may be a sweet reminder of their child. Even a card saying you are thinking of them this month is such a special thing to do. Don't be afraid of making them cry. I promise they will be touched that you remembered them.

October is the month that we lost our twins, so I know we will be remembering them as well as Noah and the others we have lost. I am also remembering friends and family members who have lost a child.

Difficult Nights

The last few nights have been very hard. It's a strange thing to feel like you are starting to move forward and the days are getting easier, when all of a sudden you find yourself feeling as though the grief is fresh and new and completely paralyzing all over again. Thursday night I went to Ethan's room and laid down beside him and just watched him sleep. Children are so peaceful when they sleep....even a 3 year old boy who can't stop moving during the day!!! Noah looked so much like Ethan when he was born. I wonder what he would have looked like now at nearly 3 months old. I couldn't keep my mind from drifting off to thoughts of what it would be like to have both of my children here. To tuck Ethan in bed and then rock Noah to sleep. I go in Noah's room almost every night and just stare into his empty crib. It's still so unbelievable that he's not here.

I had a horrible nightmare the other night about some men trying to take Ethan away from me. I think everyone fears something happening to their child, but that fear has only been magnified. It may sound crazy, but I can't tell you how many times a night I go into Ethan's room just to make sure he's breathing. If something happened to him, I think I would really lose my mind.

I can't believe how fast Ethan is growing up. This is one of my favorite pictures of Ethan. I took it last year at my Papaw's house in Alabama on Thanksgiving. He still had a little bit of a baby face. He's really starting to look like a little boy now!


I'm cherishing every moment with Ethan. I look forward to this time of year. The fall weather, the sweaters (like the cute one Ethan is wearing above!), and the holidays. I know that the holidays will be bitter sweet, but how awesome it is to know that Noah will be spending his first Christmas with Jesus!

Why We Took Photos

Most people understand why we chose to take photographs of Noah, but I know there are some out there that say to themselves, "I would never have done that! Why would anyone want to remember their child that way?". If everyone was honest with themselves, they would know that they really have no idea what they would do if they lost a baby.

I remember when I was pregnant with Ethan, my co-worker's best friend lost her baby during delivery. I lost so much sleep over it. I was so heartbroken for her even though I had never met her. Then my co-worker brought the program from the funeral to work with her and showed us. On the front was a picture of the baby. A baby that was not alive. I couldn't believe it. I remember saying, "Why on earth would she want a picture of her like that?" Never in a million years could I have imagined that this would happen to us.

But it has.

And now I COMPLETELY understand.

In fact, now it's difficult for me to understand why anyone WOULDN'T take pictures. Other than a few ultrasound photos, we have no pictures of Noah alive. No memory of his laugh or smile or his blue eyes. So it's not as though we have happy pictures to remember Noah by. If we didn't take any pictures, how would we remember all the features of his beautiful face? The details that God put into making Noah....his beautiful soft brown hair (that would have probably fallen out like his big brother's), his little ears (that I think we said looked like Aunt Erica's), his perfect little nose, his little hands (although for 3 pounds, 6 ounces, his hands were quite large!). I want to remember his face. I want to remember that little nose, those ears, his hands, his feet. He was so beautiful and I don't want that memory to ever leave me. We weren't sure we would take pictures up until the point that David walked over to him after the c-section and saw that he was perfect. He was ours. He looked like his Daddy. He looked like his big brother. He was our child. All 3 pounds and 6 ounces of him!

David wasn't so sure at first. He really felt weird when I had the camera out, taking photos. He wouldn't let me take a picture of him holding Noah at first. It wasn't until the last night that he let me take one of him holding Noah. Now he will tell you that he wishes he let me take so many more. We cherish every single photo we have of him.

I sometimes struggle with the fact that we never let Ethan see Noah. I've seen so many others on blogs who have lost babies and they let the siblings of those babies hold them. They have photos of their entire family together. I sometimes wish I had a picture of the 4 of us together. But Ethan is only 3 years old. I just felt like it would have traumatized him. It might have been different if we had known early on that Noah was going to die (like some who found out early that there was something wrong with their child), but we had no idea. It was a total shock. It was hard enough to explain to Ethan why Mommy didn't have baby Noah in her tummy anymore and that he wasn't coming home to live with us. I didn't think I could handle the heartache of having to explain to Ethan why baby Noah wasn't moving and wasn't crying. I know we probably made the best decision.

So I guess I just wanted to say that the reason we took the photographs was because no matter what, Noah was our son. No matter how short a time...he was here and we will never forget him. He was so beautiful and we want to remember the gift God gave us...a gift we will get to cherish in eternity. For now, we only have the pictures and the memories.

Going to the Fair

I've been so busy this week, I haven't really had time to write a post. For now, here are a few pictures from the small fair we went to at the Horse Park in Conyers last night with our friends, Philip and Angela and their kids. Ethan had a blast riding the rides!

Ethan got so dizzy riding the teacups with Micah! Angela and I got a good laugh from watching his face as they spun around and around.

The race car was his favorite ride! He's still talking about it!

The view from the top of the Ferris Wheel...

Still Waiting

I'm waiting for the phone call. We ordered Noah's grave marker on August 20th. They said it would take about 5-7 weeks. This Thursday will be 6 weeks. I really hope it comes this week. I am really just ready for it to be here...ready to have somewhere to place flowers and for everyone to know my beautiful son's name. A marking of his life and his death. I'm tired of staring at a patch of grass. They are supposed to call us when it arrives and we will go to the cemetery to see it before they install it.

David and I are still planning on planting a tree for Noah on his 1st birthday. My favorite tree is the Cherry Blossom tree. I love the beautiful pink blossoms and the way they look like snow when they fall off the tree. I recently read on Angie Smith's blog that some friends of hers planted a Cherry Blossom in Angie's yard in honor of Audrey. Angie wrote that the official name of the Cherry Blossom is the "Yoshino Cherry." The intense beauty and short survival span have associated Cherry Blossoms with spiritual and philosophical ideas such as the beauty and fragility of human life. I think this is so perfect for Noah. We are still unsure of where we will plant the tree since we know we probably won't stay in our home forever. We have a while to figure all of that out.

Photo taken by my friend, Jennifer Stovall

The Cherry Blossom tree also reminds me of my Aunt Cindy. My grandfather was in the military and so my grandparents moved all over the place. When my mother was very young, they moved to Japan. While they were living in Japan, my mom's little sister (my Aunt Cindy), who was just under 6 months old, died when her crib broke and she was caught in the railing. She was so beautiful. Just weeks before she died, my grandmother had a professional photographer take her picture. That picture was hanging in the room where I used to stay when I would visit my grandparents. I would stare at that picture for hours at night. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I've always felt a strong bond with my grandmother ever since we lost the twins...but even more since we lost Noah. It's been over 50 years since my Aunt Cindy died, but the memory is still fresh in the hearts and minds of my grandparents. They will never forget their sweet baby girl and they know they will see her again.

I've been doing pretty well the past few weeks. I cried a little this weekend...David and I were both missing Noah badly on one particular night. But I've felt stronger the past few weeks. I know so many of you are still praying for us. I know things like this begin to drift out of people's minds....tomorrow it will have been 12 weeks since he died. Still, there are so many who have not forgotten...and we thank you for remembering us and for remembering our sweet Noah.