Saturday, October 3, 2009

Difficult Nights

The last few nights have been very hard. It's a strange thing to feel like you are starting to move forward and the days are getting easier, when all of a sudden you find yourself feeling as though the grief is fresh and new and completely paralyzing all over again. Thursday night I went to Ethan's room and laid down beside him and just watched him sleep. Children are so peaceful when they sleep....even a 3 year old boy who can't stop moving during the day!!! Noah looked so much like Ethan when he was born. I wonder what he would have looked like now at nearly 3 months old. I couldn't keep my mind from drifting off to thoughts of what it would be like to have both of my children here. To tuck Ethan in bed and then rock Noah to sleep. I go in Noah's room almost every night and just stare into his empty crib. It's still so unbelievable that he's not here.

I had a horrible nightmare the other night about some men trying to take Ethan away from me. I think everyone fears something happening to their child, but that fear has only been magnified. It may sound crazy, but I can't tell you how many times a night I go into Ethan's room just to make sure he's breathing. If something happened to him, I think I would really lose my mind.

I can't believe how fast Ethan is growing up. This is one of my favorite pictures of Ethan. I took it last year at my Papaw's house in Alabama on Thanksgiving. He still had a little bit of a baby face. He's really starting to look like a little boy now!

I'm cherishing every moment with Ethan. I look forward to this time of year. The fall weather, the sweaters (like the cute one Ethan is wearing above!), and the holidays. I know that the holidays will be bitter sweet, but how awesome it is to know that Noah will be spending his first Christmas with Jesus!

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