20 Weeks

It's a big milestone for a pregnant woman. But for me, it's a different kind of milestone. It's been 20 weeks since we lost Noah. Unbelievable. I've kind of been all over the place emotionally today. The tears really started coming when I read Angie's post today. I think all of us who have lost a baby are really holding onto hope for Todd and Angie....it gives me hope for our future.

Thanksgiving is just 2 days away and there are moments when I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. The holidays are supposed to be happy....and I still think they can be....it's just so hard to not have my sweet cuddly baby in my arms, wrapped up all warm in a fuzzy blanket. I just miss him so much my heart aches. The smell no longer lingers in his tiny blue hat.


This picture might make you think he was an average sized baby. He was actually just 3 pounds 6 ounces. The hat barely fits over my fist. He was so tiny. So beautiful. I look at this picture and I can remember how soft his skin was...how he looked like Ethan...how his lips curled like his Daddy's...how his ears looked like Aunt Erica's...how blonde his little eyebrows were. He was ours for a little while. You are looking at a huge piece of my heart in that picture.

A friend of mine recently had an ultrasound and there was some concern that the baby's head was too large and that she could have swelling on the brain. I was terrified. I just pleaded with God that everything would be ok. Turns out the baby was just positioned funny and she is perfectly healthy. I cannot tell you what a relief that was to me. I'm a nervous wreck for all of my friends that are pregnant....my nerves are really going to be shot if I ever get pregnant again. David gets nervous just thinking about it. He worries about something happening to another baby, and he worries something could happen to me. Our hearts and minds are still not ready for that yet.

Thank you so much for walking with us. With time people forget...and I understand. But we will never forget....and we are so very thankful for those of you who remember Noah with us.

Additions to Noah's Name Gallery

Thank you to everyone who has sent pictures of Noah's name. I've added more that people have emailed me over the past few weeks. If you would like to be creative and write Noah's name in a unique way, you can email your photos to me at Lisacollinsworth@hotmail.com

Click below to see Noah's Name Gallery...

Do You Know A Surrogate?

First let me start this post by saying NO...I am not looking for a surrogate for myself, but David and I have a friend who has recently expressed interest in becoming a surrogate. She told us that ever since Noah passed away, she has realized how important a surrogate could be in the lives of a couple who desperately want a child. If you have any information at all that you could pass along to her, please email me at Lisacollinsworth@hotmail.com. She's really looking for someone to talk to who has already been a surrogate who can tell her about their experience. And if you know of someone who has a blog about their experience as a surrogate, I would love to have a link to it!

How cool would it be if one day this sweet lady becomes a surrogate for someone some day...all because of the impact Noah had on her life. I think that would be pretty amazing!

My Smart Little 3 Year Old!

When I picked Ethan up from daycare today, his teacher was soooo excited. She said Ethan could say all his numbers and all his colors in Spanish. She went on and on about how smart he is. Made me one proud mama! So I filmed him saying it....I think he got "purple" wrong when I filmed him, but he said it right earlier at daycare. I can't believe he will be in Pre-K next year!!! He's growing up so fast!

Anti-Social

I haven't been posting as much lately. I've found it difficult to express how I've been feeling lately. I'll do my best to make sense.

All week last week I was looking forward to a great weekend. We were going to Macon (where David and I both grew up). David is in a band and he was going to be playing at a church youth lock-in on Friday night. Then Saturday I had a maternity photo shoot with some great friends of mine, and then Saturday evening we were going to a wedding of a dear friend of mine that I grew up with (in my later highschool years). I couldn't wait to see old faces at the wedding (it was at a church I attended for a few years) that I had not seen in a while and was really just excited about all of it. I did fine until the wedding. David and I got there 10 minutes before the wedding started and immediately found a seat and waited for the bride to make her entrance. She entered and she was absolutely gorgeous! She looked so happy and I was so excited for her. As soon as the wedding was over we walked into the hall and immediately people started coming up and giving us hugs, asking how we were, and asking the ever-dreaded question, "how many kids do you have now?" Because of facebook and word-of-mouth, we had NO idea who knew about Noah and who didn't. When someone would innocently ask "how are you?", my mind went straight to Noah. I found myself having a difficult time answering the question and didn't really want to talk about our loss, so I gave a quick, "we're fine" and then just tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible. This made me feel so rude and I hope people didn't get offended. After a few minutes, David walked away from me and stood up against a wall. He looked incredibly uncomfortable. This is not normal for him. If you know my hubby, you know he is great with people. He can talk to anybody...whether he knows you or not, he is usually very outgoing and friendly. After a few minutes we realized that the reception was not at the church but in downtown Macon. David's mother was keeping Ethan at her house (just minutes from the church) and David didn't want to drive across town knowing that we had to drive back to Conyers and get up for church the next morning. I knew he was right and I felt so uncomfortable socially that I didn't think I could take another couple of hours of pretending to be ok. So we didn't go. And I was heartbroken. After we picked up Ethan I cried most of the way home. I had so looked forward to seeing all of those people and really wanted a chance to catch up with old friends, but at the same time it was so hard and I just felt so awkward. I begged God to help David and me not feel like this forever. I kept dreaming of what life could have been like....us going to that same wedding with our new baby in our arms...people gushing over him....and us....so happy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not always like this. We are perfectly capable of being sociable around our close friends, family, and church family. It's just lately we have found it difficult when we are around strangers or people we haven't seen in a long time.

My sadness carried over to Sunday. I dreaded going to church, but I knew the subject matter of the sermon and I knew I needed to be there. It was about happiness and what makes us happy. It was about how happiness should not be found in a "what" but a "who" (Jesus). We think if we have the nicer car, the bigger house, the money, the beauty, the 2.5 kids...if we could just have those things...we will be happy. God was really speaking to me. I realized that I was putting a lot of my hope of happiness on having another child someday....a living, breathing, healthy child. Only then could I ever be happy. But the truth is...that won't make me happy. Of course a child will bring joy to our lives, but there will still be this void...still the ache. I have to find my happiness daily in Christ. I have to. I certainly don't want to place any pressure on any future children of ours to be my key to happiness....to be my ticket out of this place called grief. I have to find my hope, my happiness, my healing in Christ alone.....

....and it's a daily surrender.

Sips 'n Strokes - Part Two

Nanci and I went to Sips 'n Strokes again tonight. It was so much fun! I really love painting! Tonight we did a painting called "Child of Heaven". It was a painting of a little girl angel. I love how it turned out! I can't wait to go again!

First Day

I started my new job today. I told my new co-workers today that I'm still waiting for the catch. It all seems too good to be true. The job is something I think I will be very good at. I love that I only have to work 6 hours. I love that I never have to work a Saturday again. I love that I won't have to use sick time or vacation time to make a doctor's appointment for me or for Ethan because I can just schedule my appointments in the afternoon since I will get off at 1:30 every day. Today flew by. It was lunch time and it was time to go. LOVE IT! And apparently the time off is even better than I original understood...it's really unbelievable how much time off we get! God has blessed me beyond anything I could have imagined and I'm so thankful. I really like my new co-workers a lot.

And since I have all this extra time on my hands, it's time to get serious about losing weight and getting healthy. I really do hope to have another baby some day (if God chooses to bless us again), but I know I don't want to get pregnant until my body is good and ready...and of course not until my heart is good and ready (when will that ever happen???). I really have to be prepared because I know there will be even more worry that comes along with it next time. Please pray that I will be disciplined in my food choices and in my daily exercise.

(Will you allow me to indulge in a "Noah moment"???......I know it seems I can't get through a post without talking about him....but what can I say? I miss him.)

So how are we doing? Pretty good. David has been busy. I think sometimes it's hard for him because he's so busy. Sometimes he wants a break so he can just take the time to just feel...if that makes sense. Time to deal with the loss. I have had a few difficult moments, but honestly, I haven't let myself cry in over a week. That may not sound like a big deal to some of you...but believe me, it's a big deal. There is a time to cry, but lately I've just needed to give myself a break from it. Because when I start, it's difficult to stop and the grief becomes overwhelming at times.

This weekend we (my brother, sister-in-law, dad, Ethan, and I) went to Alabama to visit my grandfather. My grandmother passed away in 2004 and I still miss her so badly...especially when we go to her house. I'm so sad that she never got to meet Ethan and that Ethan didn't get to know her. On Saturday night as I was going to sleep, the strangest thing happened. I suddenly had a spasm in my stomach. I was laying on my side and the spasm lasted for about 5 minutes. It took everything I had to keep from crying. It felt so much like Noah's kicks and movements and it was an incredible feeling of loss in that moment. I miss him so badly.

My dad and I spent some time going through photos on my computer and I showed him some of the last photos of me pregnant. Here are 2 that I have never posted before...

And here is one from when I was 23 weeks pregnant....Ethan loved taking pictures with his baby brother.

Sometimes I just go back and look at all the photos and it's just unreal that 4 months have passed since I was pregnant...since he was here.

Thank you for all of your continued prayers. God is bringing us peace each day. I think this new job is going to help in the healing process.