This is gonna be a long one....

I know this is going to be a long post and I'm really a little scatter-brained tonight, so just hold on...

It's been almost a week since I last posted. Almost every day I've started to write a post, but then I just can't seem to make sense of all that's going on in my heart and mind. Friday was hands down, the WORST day I've had at work. It was really busy (seriously, 95% of Rockdale County must have come to the bank on Friday!) and it didn't help that we were very short handed and my mind was filled with thoughts of Noah (mostly because I had a lot of customers ask about him on Friday) and well, it just confirmed to me that it's time for a change (as if I needed anymore convincing)! Only one more week and I will be starting my new job.

I visited Noah's grave just about every day last week. David and I bought a solar powered light for Noah's grave. We've noticed other graves nearby that have them and we really wanted one. The one we bought matches perfectly. We also took Ethan to buy some little tiny pumpkins to put on the grave. We told Ethan he could give one to Noah and keep the other, but he said he wanted to give both of them to his brother.


I dreaded Saturday. I had such a bad day on Friday...including a really bad breakdown on the phone with David after work. I was NOT looking forward to this first holiday without one of my sons. I started crying as soon as I woke up Saturday morning...."God, please don't let it always feel like this every holiday...please." I got up and told David I just needed us to spend the morning together as a family. Friday had been too hard and I needed "us" time. So David, Ethan, and I went yard sale shopping. This was difficult since it was pouring down rain, but we managed to find a few indoor yard sales. I got Ethan 2 Thomas the Train t-shirts (both in excellent condition) for 25 cents each. Then I got him a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans for $1.00, a 58-piece foam floor puzzle for 25 cents, a pair of shorts for 25 cents, and a cute ceramic candle holder which looked brand new for 75 cents (easily $15.00-$20.00 in a store). After the yard sales we drove to Noah's grave just to tell him we missed him on this first holiday without him. There were a lot of tears shed over the next few hours.

Saturday afternoon we drove to my best friend's house to take pictures of her daughter, Sarah. Angela had this great idea she found online of cutting 2 holes in a pumpkin and sitting a baby in the pumkin with their legs through the holes. Then I found another photo with another great idea....so inspired by these 2 photos we found on google images...




We came up with these for Sarah.....

Ethan kissing Sarah...

There are a lot more and I'll try to post those soon on my photography site. I had a great time taking photos of her. Angela and Sandra both said to me throughout the afternoon how they wished Noah could have been there to celebrate his first Halloween. I'm so thankful that I have friends and family who remember him on days like these.

We always go trick-or-treating in Angela's neighborhood. Sandra lives in our neighborhood...and ours is just way too hilly and not very big, so we like to raid the candy in Angela's hood! :o) Last year we did a "Star Wars" theme with all the kids. This year we decided on a "Super Hero" theme, but Ethan was NOT going to compromise...he wanted to be a conductor and wear Thomas the Train, so that's what he did. (Thomas is a super hero too, right???)



He wore this to daycare on Friday and forgot to bring the "conductor" hat home, so he had to wear the hat that came with the costume on Saturday. We gathered all the little super heroes up to take a group picture.


After pics, we realized it was starting to rain and that walking around the neighborhood with all these kids in the rain was NOT going to be fun, so we took the seats out of the back of my van and piled them all in....don't worry...we were only driving about 5 miles an hour through the neighborhood...no seatbelts needed.




This is Hayden...Ethan loves to hold her hand and sure thinks she's cute! :o) And Hayden apparently told her mom on the way to Angela's house that she couldn't wait for Ethan to see her costume, "Ethan will think I'm cute" she said. And he did...he gave her a big hug when he saw her and told her that her costume was cool. I knew that Ethan wasn't going to walk around in the rain (and try to get in and out of the van) with the big Thomas costume on....so he just wore the hat...

How would you like to see that mob at your doorstep???

Ethan had a great time and his bucket was filled with candy....though the kids weren't too happy with the last house we stopped at...they gave out pens and pencils!!! I'm glad Ethan enjoyed his 4th Halloween. I went back through old photos of Halloweens past....

Ethan's 1st Halloween (6 months old)
Chili Pepper

Ethan's 2nd Halloween (18 months old)

The Giraffe
Ethan's 3rd Halloween (2 and 1/2 years old)
R2D2 (The Star Wars Theme)

I told David tonight that I really want to enjoy our holidays with Ethan. I don't want our focus to be so much on the son we've lost while missing out on the joy of our son that's alive. That's a tough one. It seems simple, but it's not. It's really hard to focus on the joy when sometimes all I really want to do is crawl in my bed and cry or sleep away the days.

I've gone through some tough things in my life. One of the worst times in my life was when I was in college and I took my focus from Christ and placed it on a boyfriend. My whole little world revolved around him and the relationship. Thankfully God granted us peace with each other in later years and I consider him a dear brother in Christ now. But during that time, when things were falling apart, I took it out on myself and ended up with a severe eating disorder. But even in my darkest hours during that time, I had the hope that it wouldn't be like that forever. That one day I would break free from the addiction. It was a battle I had to fight, but I knew there was a way out. It's frustrating that this battle - grief - has no way out (at least not while living on this earth)...it's just something I have to live with until I die. I know I have the hope of Heaven and I will see Noah again, but I wish it was something I could break free from while here on earth. I hate this grief that clouds everything in my life. It's like a sick panic that won't leave. Like even now....Heart pounding, mind racing, "my child is dead...he's not here...I can't get to him...but I need to care for him....I'm supposed to protect him..." These thoughts overwhelm me on a daily basis and it just becomes exhausting. It's hard to stay focused on the here and now. But I HAVE to be here for David, I HAVE to be here for Ethan and I cannot let this grief consume me.

I know better days are ahead. God has blessed me with a new job and I'm so thankful for this. I really think the change is going to help. For now, I'm going to try to focus on this cute little boy...

New Beginnings

Last week I interviewed for a new job. It was one of those nightmare interview scenarios....3 people on one end of a boardroom table, me on the other, and a whole list of questions to answer. It was for a bookkeeping job with the school system. They interviewed a few people for it and I did NOT leave the interview thinking "I've got this in the bag". To be honest, it wasn't my best interview ever. Probably because I was so nervous. But to my surprise, my interviewer called me yesterday and offered me the job!!! I was SO excited about what getting this job meant. Of course everyone's first question to me is, "Does it pay more than you're making now?" The answer is yes. It's actually less hours, but pays more. I will be paying $180 less than I'm paying now for insurance for my family (but it's still just as good), I'll be working 7:30-1:30 (instead of 8-5), so once Ethan's in Pre-K next fall, we won't have to pay for after care (which will be saving us close to $500 a month). Not to mention all the benefits like having 21 paid non-working days, 3 days off for Thanksgiving and an entire week off for Christmas! I've done bookkeeping before, so I know I'll do a good job at it. This job means a new start, it means the possibility of finishing my degree, and the best part of all...it means more time with my family. I'm so grateful for this opportunity!!!

I've been working at the bank for a total of 3 years and 4 months (with a 13 month break in there after Ethan was born). I love the bank...I really do. I love my co-workers and it's all-in-all a great job with great benefits. So why am I leaving? Well, since Noah died I've just longed for a change. I put on a brave face at work, but honestly, when I go to work in a good mood and a customer asks me how my new baby is doing....well....let's just say that it's very hard to focus on work for the rest of the day. I just need a new start and I'm so excited about this new job!

In other news, I just saw that 2 of my blog friends are pregnant! Angie and Raechel both announced today that they are pregnant. This is kind of amazing....or maybe they planned to announce at the same time, I don't know...but I think that it's neat that both of their baby girls that passed away were born on April 7, 2008 and now they both announced today that they are pregnant again. I'm not sure how far along Angie is, but Raechel is over halfway there. I am so excited for these ladies and I'm praying for them as I know that even during this exciting time, there is probably a lot of fear after losing their sweet baby girls not so long ago. Please pray along with me for these amazing women and for the little ones that are growing inside them!

Also please pray for my co-worker as she has lost a dear friend of hers. Pray for the family of Stephen Wust who was killed in a motorcycle accident this morning.

Separation Anxiety

I've thought a lot about separation anxiety lately. I remember when Ethan was having a hard time when he first started daycare. I had been home with him for 13 months after he was born and then I had to go back to work. I would drop him off at daycare and his teacher told me that for about 30 minutes after I dropped him off, he would stand at the window and cry, just waiting to see if I would come back to get him. He would cry every time I dropped him off and would run to me every time I picked him up after work.

"Separation anxiety is a developmental stage during which the child experiences anxiety when separated from the primary caregiver (usually the mother)."

Symptoms include:

• Excessive distress when separated from the primary caregiver
• Nightmares
• Reluctance to go to school or other places because of fear of separation
• Reluctance to go to sleep without the primary caregiver nearby
• Repeated physical complaints
• Worry about losing or harm coming to the primary caregiver

I often thought about how it was going to affect Noah when I went back to work. I was only going to be home with him for 8 weeks after his birth, so he would be in daycare. I was going to be going from full-time to part-time though, so he would have only been in daycare 3 days a week.

This past Sunday I couldn't sit still in church. I got up to go to the bathroom and I heard Sarah (my best friend's daughter) crying. Her cry is so distinct and everything in me just ached to comfort her. I hoped I would not annoy the nursery workers, but I walked in and just held Sarah for a while to calm her. I cannot tell you how much I absolutely adore her! It's partly because I was present for her birth and her family is like family to me. So I feel like I'm her "Aunt Lisa"! :o) I finally put her down in a bouncer and left the nursery. A few minutes later she was crying again so I went to get Angela out of the service. Sarah was hungry. She needed her mommy. I overheard the nursery workers talking about separation anxiety and my heart hit the floor. That's it. It's separation anxiety. But it's not my child who is desperately longing for me to hold him. It's me....I'm the one with separation anxiety. I long to hold my child in my arms. I am the one with the nightmares, the reluctance to push through another day, the one worrying that something may happen to my husband or to my other son. It's not supposed to be like this. No mother should have to endure this. I have separation anxiety and no amount of crying, kicking, or screaming is going to bring him back.

I just kept thinking about how I would give anything to hear my son in that nursery, crying for me. I stood outside the nursery just screaming to God in my head, "Why can't he just be here, God. Why??? I want him to be here. I want him to be in that nursery. "

After church we went to Noah's grave and then to eat. After that I stopped to do a little shopping for winter clothes for Ethan. While I was our shopping, my friend Nanci sent me a text. She said she wanted to hang her painting (of the angel holding the baby) in the church nursery in honor of Noah. I started sobbing in the middle of Kohl's. I told her about my morning and about how I desperately wished Noah was in that nursery. Her thoughtfulness meant so much to me.

I know this separation is only temporary. Just like Ethan used to run into my arms when I would pick him up each day, one day I will run into my Savior's arms...and my son, Noah will be there to run into mine...and there will be no more separation.

My New Friend

On Sunday my mother-in-law was at church and wanted to go see Noah's grave marker. We drove to the cemetery and it was a beautiful sunny day. While we were out there, I walked around the other grave markers (as I've done many times) and just prayed over them, remembering the families of those precious children. I've often wondered how their babies died....if they were stillborn like Noah. I've wondered how the mommies of these children are holding up and I've really longed to connect with at least one of them. David thought I was a little nutty, but I took photos of a few of the grave markers. I wanted to look up some of the names on the internet to see if any of the other moms had blogs similar to mine. I searched about 8 of them and found an obituary for one of the baby girls who passed away in March. I saw her parent's names listed, so I decided to look up her mother on facebook. I found her. With the risk of being seen as a stalker, I messaged her and told her that my son was buried in Babyland with her daughter. I told her that I was praying for her family. Turns out that we both have the same doctor. An instant friendship was formed....she's also a sweet sister in Christ. We traded several messages back and forth last night. I can tell she has a beautiful heart and I'm so glad that God prompted me to message her. I'm hoping she will visit our church soon so that we can meet! :o)

Please pray for my new friend as she has lost 2 babies in the last 2 years. She also has 2 precious children here on earth. Her blog is http://www.dawnsjoy.blogspot.com/.

Sips 'n Strokes

Last night my friend Nanci and I went to Sips 'n Strokes to paint a beautiful picture of an angel holding a baby. We had such a great time! I really hope to go again soon! The painting makes me think of my Aunt Cindy (who died as a baby). I believe she would have had long dark brown hair just like her sisters (my mom and my Aunt Debbie). I imagine her holding Noah in Heaven. If you live in Georgia or Alabama and ever want to try it out...go to www.sipsnstrokes.com. You don't have to be an artist...most people in the class haven't painted since elementary school, but their paintings still came out gorgeous!

Noah's Grave Marker & Remembrance Day

I had no idea what God had in store for us today. I went to work this morning, thinking about Noah. Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At about 10:30 I got an email from David telling me that Noah's grave marker was finally here. I couldn't believe it. All I could do was cry and thank God that he allowed it to arrive on such a special day as today.

Though we were both very anxious to see it, David and I decided we would wait and go see it together after work. Just a few minutes later a beautiful bouquet of fall flowers arrived for me at work. The card read, "David, Lisa, & Ethan - Just a little something to say we are thinking of you and remembering our nephew, Noah, and his siblings. We find joy in knowing they are all together in Heaven. We love you all! -J & E." I was so overwhelmed I started crying. Thank you Jason and Esther...the flowers are beautiful!


Just moments after that, my co-worker (that works at one of our other bank's branches) walked in on her lunch break. She has such a tender heart and I just think she is great! She gave me a sweet card and this beautiful Willow Tree figurine. Thank you, Lori!!!



During lunch I went to Hobby Lobby and bought several artificial fall flowers to go on Noah's grave. I was inspired by the bouquet that Jason and Esther had bought for us and I wanted Noah's flowers to look as similar as possible. So I put together a bouquet to put in his vase on his marker.

After lunch my co-workers gave me a card, a cute bag, and some little iron-ons representing each member of our family (including Noah). The card made me cry. It had a picture of a rainbow and the card said,


"God appearing at the strangest of places. Doing the strangest of things. Stretching smiles where there had hung only frowns. Placing twinkles where there were only tears. Hanging a bright star in a dark sky. Arching rainbows in the midst of thunderclouds.

Thinking of you and praying God will fill your day with unexpected blessings."

I can't tell you how perfectly appropriate that card was. God definitely filled my day with unexpected blessings.

I got a call in the afternoon from a floral shop saying they had left flowers for me at my front door at home. After work I drove straight home to get my camera and to get the flowers.

Another beautiful bouquet of lovely fall colored flowers. It made David and I both feel so loved. Thank you so much, Brien & Hannah!!! Thank you for thinking of us and our sweet Noah today.


I left my house and met David and Ethan at the cemetery. I pulled into the cemetery and saw beautiful geese walking around the graves.


We walked up to Noah's grave in the pouring down rain...and there it was...our sweet boy's beautiful name...











The vase is a temporary vase. Noah's vase will match his grave marker a bit better. They put this other one in temporarily until his arrives. About an hour after we visited the grave, Jason and Esther came to see it. They took a picture of us together....our first family picture.


It's a bitter sweet day. We are so thankful to have a place to remember our son. We just wish we had him in our arms instead.

I'm thinking of so many of you today who have lost a child. Love to all of you!

5 Years Ago

Today marks 5 years since we lost our twins to miscarriage...October 14, 2004. I think that the heaviness of losing Noah just makes thinking about losing the twins even harder. I'm really sick of having these type of anniversaries. I want to be celebrating the birthdays of our children, not remembering the day we lost them. But remembering the twins reminds me that if we hadn't lost them, we wouldn't have Ethan. And I cannot even begin to explain to you the love I have for my son! I just pray that my love for him doesn't turn into complete paranoia and over-protection. Right now I have a hard time letting him out of my sight! He is our miracle and I thank God for him.

Even though it's been 5 years, I remember it like it was yesterday. David and I had only been married a year and we weren't quite ready to be parents, but we were still very excited. My belly started growing so quickly. And I was sick...really sick. David knew it was twins. Even at the doctor's office at the first ultrasound, David announced to the nurse, "Just wait and see...we are getting the two for one special...I guarantee it." And he was right. I'll never forget seeing those two little hearbeats on the screen. My due date was set....May 6, 2005. David was SO excited he could barely contain himself. He just thought having twins was so special and even though he was nervous about becoming a father, he was really excited about having twins. I couldn't believe we had two little babies in there! We surprised our families with the news just a few days after David's sister's wedding. A few weeks later we went to visit my aunt and uncle in Alabama. My aunt bought two little Alabama outfits for the twins. It was just a week after that when we knew something was wrong. I woke up in the middle of the night and I knew immediately what was happening. We were heartbroken. We went to the doctor the next morning and thankfully the doctor took me straight over to the hospital for the D&C instead of making me wait it out. I remember all the people that were there to see us and I remember waking up and feeling more empty than I had ever felt in my life. For the first time I understood that when a woman loses a baby (no matter how far along she is), it's not disappointing....it's devastating.

Even though we were terribly sad after losing the twins, I never imagined that this would only be the beginning of a series of losses. I've always been a pretty healthy person and never really had any problems. I just always assumed that having children would be simple. Only God knows the reasons for it all, but I can tell you that what we've gone through has made us more dependent on God, made us closer to each other as husband and wife, and given us a total unconditional love for Ethan. And God amazed us when Ethan was born right on his due date...May 6, 2006....the same due date as the twins, just one year later.