Wednesday, October 14, 2009

5 Years Ago

Today marks 5 years since we lost our twins to miscarriage...October 14, 2004. I think that the heaviness of losing Noah just makes thinking about losing the twins even harder. I'm really sick of having these type of anniversaries. I want to be celebrating the birthdays of our children, not remembering the day we lost them. But remembering the twins reminds me that if we hadn't lost them, we wouldn't have Ethan. And I cannot even begin to explain to you the love I have for my son! I just pray that my love for him doesn't turn into complete paranoia and over-protection. Right now I have a hard time letting him out of my sight! He is our miracle and I thank God for him.

Even though it's been 5 years, I remember it like it was yesterday. David and I had only been married a year and we weren't quite ready to be parents, but we were still very excited. My belly started growing so quickly. And I was sick...really sick. David knew it was twins. Even at the doctor's office at the first ultrasound, David announced to the nurse, "Just wait and see...we are getting the two for one special...I guarantee it." And he was right. I'll never forget seeing those two little hearbeats on the screen. My due date was set....May 6, 2005. David was SO excited he could barely contain himself. He just thought having twins was so special and even though he was nervous about becoming a father, he was really excited about having twins. I couldn't believe we had two little babies in there! We surprised our families with the news just a few days after David's sister's wedding. A few weeks later we went to visit my aunt and uncle in Alabama. My aunt bought two little Alabama outfits for the twins. It was just a week after that when we knew something was wrong. I woke up in the middle of the night and I knew immediately what was happening. We were heartbroken. We went to the doctor the next morning and thankfully the doctor took me straight over to the hospital for the D&C instead of making me wait it out. I remember all the people that were there to see us and I remember waking up and feeling more empty than I had ever felt in my life. For the first time I understood that when a woman loses a baby (no matter how far along she is), it's not's devastating.

Even though we were terribly sad after losing the twins, I never imagined that this would only be the beginning of a series of losses. I've always been a pretty healthy person and never really had any problems. I just always assumed that having children would be simple. Only God knows the reasons for it all, but I can tell you that what we've gone through has made us more dependent on God, made us closer to each other as husband and wife, and given us a total unconditional love for Ethan. And God amazed us when Ethan was born right on his due date...May 6, 2006....the same due date as the twins, just one year later.

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