On July 7th, Noah would be turning 3 years old. But as each year passes by, I feel like I get a step further away from him. I know time is healing and it's a good thing for me to not be in that fog of grief I was in for so long, but I just wish he was here. I think about Ethan at age 3 and all the things he was learning at that time. I can't help but wonder what Noah would be doing now....and what he would be getting into with his big brother and little sister. I just....miss him. And that void is very real to me.
David and I visited a church in Ocala, Florida on the way home from our vacation a few weeks ago. The pastor spoke about past regrets and things that we have held on to that we just have to give over to the Lord. After the service, I told David that the thing that nags at me all the time is knowing that Noah was alive on Saturday, July 4th and that I have no memory of him moving on Sunday, July 5th. And it was the evening of Monday, July 6th before we ever went to the hospital and found out he was gone. Why was I not more concerned? Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner? Why wasn't I counting his kicks on Sunday? WHY?!? I have held onto that for long enough. I am reading Angie Smith's new book, "What Women Fear" along with a couple of friends of mine. In the first chapter of the book she talks about a woman who lost a child and had these same regrets that I have. Why didn't she follow her instincts that were telling her something wasn't right? I know that God has brought this subject up to me twice this month for good reason...He wants me to let it go.
There are some significant (positive) things going on with me and my husband over the next month and it will be a time to really focus on my relationship with the Lord. I'm hoping to use this time to really let go of some things that have burdened me for too long. Guilt is not from the Lord. I've got to give it over to Him. It's time to let go of regret.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:12-14