It was time. Time to take Noah's things down and prepare to put Ella's things up. And we are already in that transition stage of calling "Noah's room" now "Ella's room". My mom purchased the crib set for Ella and brought it to me on Thursday night. Before mom arrived I took all of Noah's things down and then it all hit me again. The finality of it all. Like I've said before, it's a strange thing to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. I thought I would be excited about the newness of putting up pink girly things, but I sat in Noah's room listening to his little mobile that I played hundreds of times while I was pregnant with him and I just sobbed. I selfishly kept telling God, "I want them both". I cried hardest when I pulled Noah's crib sheet off his crib. So many times over the last year I had rested my hand on that sheet right where Noah should have been sleeping. They are just things, but taking down his things felt so wrong and I fell apart for the first time since I've been pregnant. When my mom arrived I got it over with quickly. I put Ella's crib set on the crib right away. But then we realized the crib sheet that was supposed to come with the set was missing. What a bummer. Then I thought about Noah's sheet and wondered if it would match Ella's crib set. I pulled the sheet out and put it back on the mattress and to our amazement, it looked like it belonged with the set. It's white with little green polka dots which perfectly match the green polka dots on Ella's quilt. I know it may seem like a silly thing to some, but to me it was God-ordained.
And before you ask...yes, I will eventually post pics of Ella's room, but not until it is all done and painted.
Week 19 and David felt Ella move for the first time tonight! He felt one swift kick and was really excited about it. They are no longer just movements, they are actual kicks! I've been feeling her move so much I haven't needed to check her heartbeat at night. I know she is doing just fine!
My emotions are definitely starting to get the best of me. I know hormones play a big role in it. I am still able to find so much joy and excitement even through the days that I miss Noah so much. This may sound strange, but I feel like maybe Ella's birth will give the loss of Noah some sort of redemption. Like he saved her life in a way since in losing him we learned of the Factor V Leiden and the necessity of the Lovenox injections. I want Ella to be born healthy not just for us, but for Noah. Maybe some of you know what I mean.
I know I'm a little late in posting pics from Halloween, but I'll get those in on the next post. Goodnight everyone!