Wednesday, November 3, 2010

18 Weeks

Ella and I are still doing very well. I'm now 18 weeks and so glad to be almost halfway there! My belly is really starting to grow, but I still haven't had anyone ask me if I'm pregnant.

Ella is moving a lot more. It's comforting. I really have found a lot of joy in this pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't expect to. I thought I would only be filled with fear and anxiety. There are still difficult moments. It's an odd thing to be filled with joy while still walking through grief. Sometimes the joy numbs the grief, but it's still there. I find myself daydreaming a lot about a life with 2 sons and a daughter. It's a strange thing to think about Ella being here...a newborn. Noah would be almost 16 months old now, but it's as if he's frozen in time as an infant. I only have pictures of him as a tiny 3lb, 6oz baby. I stare at the pencil portrait of our family above our t.v. as I type this....Noah, a tiny baby in my arms. But then Ella will be the baby in my arms. She won't replace Noah...he cannot be replaced. It's really hard to express in words what I'm trying to say...but I just wish all of my children could be here. And I don't want other people to forget Noah either. Being pregnant doesn't make it all better. I definitely feel very blessed and I'm thankful for the newness God has brought us by giving us a daughter.

I have recently started to worry a little about the next few ultrasounds over the next 8 weeks as they will take a closer look at Ella's organs. I know that so many of you who have lost babies found out around the 20-week mark that your baby would not live. I have been so excited over these past few weeks about how well Ella is doing, that I fear bad news could be looming. I'm sure these are normal feelings and I hope I really have nothing to fear. The high risk doc even told me at my last appointment that as of right now, this is like a completely normal pregnancy. I hope it stays that way.

While I still grieve the life that should have been, my brother and sister-in-law are grieving for the life they feel like should have been for them as well. For so many, this thing of having children comes so easy...sometimes even by accident. But it's not always so simple. Please pray for my sister-in-law as she is having surgery on Friday...another step in preparing her body to possibly carry a child. They need a big dose of please pray! They are trusting in God's plan for their lives.


  1. You are so beautiful! Look great!

    I cannot imagine the emootions you're feeling. Torn between the grief and the joy. I thank God He's given you Ella! Noah will never be forgotten! What an impact his life has had on so many!

    Praying for Jason and Esther, too.

  2. I cannot imagine your situation either, but I do know this...

    Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

    Matthew 6:25: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26: Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?

    Love you girl--you look beautiful and I'm so excited about getting to see more pictures and hear good reports!

    Aren't you far more valueable to him than the birds??


  3. Praying for you & your sister! You look so pretty! I love the belly picture! (((HUGS)))

  4. I can't pretend to know what you are going through and feeling. But know that you are in my prayers. :) And so are Jason and Esther.

  5. Awww! You're gorgeous in this pic! I love it! I'm just so happy that this pregnancy is going so well for you! I've been struggling a little bit too with the mixed feelings lately, especially as I get closer to 21 weeks. Praying for you, and also for your SIL!

  6. You look wonderful! Praying for your family...