Sunday, March 7, 2010

8 Months

From the moment I woke up this morning I was thinking about Noah. I also thought about my friend, Dawn and her daughter, Haylee today. Today is Haylee's 1st birthday, but she isn't here to eat her first birthday cake or to open her first birthday presents. But she's not in the ground either...she's in Heaven celebrating with Jesus. That brings peace to her parents, but their arms still feel empty and their hearts are still broken. Please say a prayer for them if you will.

I talked about Noah A LOT today. I always wonder when I say his name if people are thinking, "there she goes again, talking about her deceased child" or "this is so uncomfortable". I just so desperately want people to REMEMBER him. And I know it's hard to remember someone you never knew...but he's my son...please remember him. Please love your children with all that you have. Hold them tight. My heart aches tonight to hold Noah just once more. I want Ethan to have
his brother here. No matter how badly I want that it cannot happen.

I stopped by his grave tonight and just poured my heart out to God. I sat there in the dark and just let the grief overtake me once again. 8 months. I can't even believe it. I can close my eyes and still remember the smell of his skin and my lips pressed against his forehead. I want him in my arms...I just want him here so badly. He would probably be crawling by now, maybe have a few teeth...and he would definitely be smiling and giggling at us. God, I'm so mad...I'm so sad. Please comfort me. Please be here. And the song came on the radio...

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call

And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

My heart breaks just as much today as it did all those months ago.

I just miss him.


  1. Lisa, he is so beyond beautiful. I have only been without my little girl for 3 months now, and I'm getting to that point where Its been long enough that I'm worrying that I'll forget about her. I love this post, because it reaffirms what I already know in my heart.. we will never forget our babies.

  2. He won't be forgotten, Lisa. He's made a big impression on so many people. I lost a baby to miscarriage over 4 years ago, and I still miss him so much. Just know that although this feels like the loneliest grief and the most isolating thing to bear, you're not alone. So many of us are hurting too. And we'll remember your baby boy. We'll remember your Noah. He is beautiful.

  3. Lisa

    You have, and continue, to ensure Noah will never be forgotten. You have demonstrated, and continue to demonstrate, so beautifully that Motherhood is forever and all consuming. Your heart wrenchingly honest postings remind us all of the Blessings God has bestowed on our families and give us courage to go forward despite the hurdles on the journey of life.

    With prayers for peace and courage and hope for your beautiful family from our little family in Australia.

    Michelle x

  4. Lisa, I will never forget. I will remember your child and the rest of the angels that I have learned about on this journey as much as I remember my own. To me, it feels like thier stories are a part of my angles memories now. I just wanted to let you know that. *HUGS*

  5. You know you can talk about Noah whenever you want. I will never forget his sweet little face or the difference he's made in so many lives including my own. Love you!

  6. I know I never tire of talking Carleigh and I hope others don't tire of hearing of her.

  7. God is truly there to hold you in those moments when grief overtakes you. I love that He gave you a sign of that in the song you heard! I have thought the same thing.."there she goes again, talking about her deceased baby" when I say Mary Grace's I should be "over her" by now. Our babies will always be a part of our family...hopefully people can understand that, and if they can't, we just need to pray for them and entrust the rest to Christ.

  8. Noah is so precious. I am sorry you lost him. I to lost a son. Not quite as early as you Kael was 5 months old when we lost him and it hurts so bad. You sound like such an amazing person. Sending hugs your way!