From the moment I woke up this morning I was thinking about Noah. I also thought about my friend, Dawn and her daughter, Haylee today. Today is Haylee's 1st birthday, but she isn't here to eat her first birthday cake or to open her first birthday presents. But she's not in the ground either...she's in Heaven celebrating with Jesus. That brings peace to her parents, but their arms still feel empty and their hearts are still broken. Please say a prayer for them if you will.
I talked about Noah A LOT today. I always wonder when I say his name if people are thinking, "there she goes again, talking about her deceased child" or "this is so uncomfortable". I just so desperately want people to REMEMBER him. And I know it's hard to remember someone you never knew...but he's my son...please remember him. Please love your children with all that you have. Hold them tight. My heart aches tonight to hold Noah just once more. I want Ethan to have
his brother here. No matter how badly I want that it cannot happen.
I stopped by his grave tonight and just poured my heart out to God. I sat there in the dark and just let the grief overtake me once again. 8 months. I can't even believe it. I can close my eyes and still remember the smell of his skin and my lips pressed against his forehead. I want him in my arms...I just want him here so badly. He would probably be crawling by now, maybe have a few teeth...and he would definitely be smiling and giggling at us. God, I'm so mad...I'm so sad. Please comfort me. Please be here. And the song came on the radio...
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
My heart breaks just as much today as it did all those months ago.
I just miss him.