Thursday, June 30, 2011

It's real. It's not fun.

Postpartum. It's real. I never fully understood it...because I've never had it. Now obviously after Noah, I was depressed, but that was grief, not postpartum. I am so in love with my daughter and I'm so thankful for her. She really makes me smile and she is such a good baby, so don't misunderstand. My feelings have nothing to do with her. But my hormones are all over the place. I'm so extremely sensitive right now and it's driving me crazy.

Things have happened over the last few weeks that have been upsetting, but you would think someone died the way I've hurt and cried over it. I just can't shake it. I physically can't. Going back to work has been very difficult and it's even more difficult when I feel like things have changed since I've been back. My boss and even some of my co-workers are treating me if annoyed that I was out on maternity leave. Mind you, right now I'm way more sensitive, way more paranoid, and definitely could be perceiving things different from reality. Time with family seems to be lacking. I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning which means in order to have time to get a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack my lunch and feed Ella, I have to be up at 4:45. When I overslept just a little on Tuesday, I had to rush through feeding her and put her down and leave for work, knowing she was still hungry. Very very upsetting. I get off of work at 2:00 each day, come home, try to rush in some time with my husband and my kids and also do laundry and dishes. The house is a wreck. I want to be home. I don't want to be at work. I want to be home. My house was spotless by the end of my maternity leave. It didn't last. It makes me feel like a bad mom to rush through stories, rush through play time, get the kitchen only somewhat clean, and give 5 minutes of conversation to my husband only to roll over and go to sleep so I can be up at 4:45 and do it all over again. Friendships have suffered these last few weeks, my husband feels helpless at times and I feel even more terrible for him to have to deal with this depressed person. I'm a child of

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I know there are medications out there to help with this, but I'm not a big fan of medications and I would prefer to try anything else....including pleading with God to help me get over this. And take out my frustrations on my elliptical! :o)

Anyway, I could use some prayer. And forgive me. My emotions are all over the place. Happy one minute, in the depths of despair the next, even sometimes angry. I'm working on it.

oh...and Noah's 2nd birthday is 1 week from today...


  1. Will pray for you, Lisa, and that you will hear God's will in how to care for yourself.

    I'm a Christian taking care of my quadriplegic husband. I felt it was unfaithful to take antidepressants at first. But can tell you that I'm on Cymbalta and it's helped me A LOT. I tried several over 14 years. You are not a failure if you need medication for now - your body has some really big changes right now. But only you know what's best for you.

    Thanks for sharing Noah's story over at Cake Wrecks. My husband and I are not blessed with children, so give yours an extra hug for us! May God bless you and your family abundantly!!!


  2. Hi Lisa

    Been there, done that with depression. I tried to struggle on without meds. I lasted a week. My Doctor asked me to trust her judgement. The meds took two weeks to kick in but I could them at least get out of bed without crying. Big improvement.

    I will pray for strength for you. And remember, a messy house is a home. Homes are loved. Perfect houses are not. Or at least that is how I choose to see my loved and lived in home!

  3. Lisa, I saw your post over at Cake Wrecks and I had to look at your blog. Thank you for sharing a part of Noah's story. As a mom who has experienced the death of a baby, I know how difficult that can be, and I appreciate it.

    Please be gentle with yourself. Not only are you dealing with postpartum hormones, which are difficult under any circumstances, you are coming up on your baby's birthday which amplifies everything. I know, I've managed to survive six birthdays without my little boy. It's never been easy, but it has gotten a little bit "less hard" every year. Every time I felt tempted to think that I was "doing it wrong" when it came to handling my grief, it ALWAYS made things worse. There is no right way or wrong way to survive the loss of a child. There is just one day, or if necessary, one breath at a time. And it's OK to be angry. It took me a very long time to reach a place where I was able to admit I was angry, much less give myself permission to feel it. Acknowledging it, and then letting it go really helped. I prayed and told God I was angry. And you know, He is big enough to handle it. He already knew I was, but once I admitted it, He helped me bear up through it.

    The elliptical is definitely a good idea. Exercise has been proven to help balance mood-stabilizing hormones. Is there anyone who you can call to help out with house work? Getting the house looking nicer can be a big mood boost.

    Please make sure you are getting enough rest. Being sleep-deprived is part of the whole Mommy gig, but it drains our resources so much.

    I don't know how much you are into nutritional supplements, but I have found that taking a Fish Oil/Omega Fatty Acids supplement helps my moods INCREDIBLY. After my son died, the grief was overwhelming, and there were some days I literally wondered if I was losing my mind. I seriously considered getting some medication to help me cope for a short while, but like you, I wanted to try alternatives before that. I increased my intake of fish oil, and I also got a multi-vitamin that was designed to help with "stress" and included extra B-vitamins. While it obviously didn't make the grief go away, it helped me feel less overwhelmed.

    I hope some of this has been helpful to you. Much love to you, and prayers that your heart will be bathed with peace.


  4. I'm wondering if there are natural ways to help?? I'm sorry you're having to deal w/ this.

  5. Oh I'm so sorry you are having to deal with postpartum emotions. I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. I'm sure there might be a support group (perhaps through church or through your hospital) that deals with postpartum issues?? I know that would be even more time away from the house, but they might have good suggestions for coping skills, and maybe just being around others who are going through similar emotions would benefit you! You are not alone! While I have not dealt with PPD, one of my best friends did and she had her friends call her everyday to chat/pick up her spirits, she would work in an evening walk or run, and just being checked in on daily by friends kind of helped her. I'll definitely start praying for you for this situation and over the next week.

  6. Hi Lisa...I haven't been by your blog in awhile and happened to click over today. Your babies are all so beautiful, if I haven't said so before. Beautiful family!! And a very belated congratulations on the birth of sweet Ella. Just reading your post and thinking that your schedule would be overwhelming for any mama. I wonder if the emotions you are feeling are a combination of hormones and being overwhelmed by the tiring schedule. Praying for you...that you would be able to get the rest and peace you need, and that your emotions would balance out. Perhaps there are some natural remedies, as Holly mentioned.

  7. I feel you, friend. It's so hard. I can only tell how normal it is to struggle so much after the live birth of a baby after you've lost a baby. It's not something I anticipated but it's normal and terrible nonetheless.

    Praying for you, that you find comfort and rest in these times.