Wednesday, June 23, 2010

You Can't Change the Past...

....but don't you sometimes wish you could? I would give anything to be able to turn back time and to urge the doctors to deliver Noah before it was too late.

I've been dealing with some of the same raw emotions I dealt with right after Noah's death last year. I'm missing him so much and I feel my body aching to hold him again. His first birthday is just 2 weeks away. I know he is in the safest place he can possibly be...and yes, that DOES make it easier. I can't imagine living without the hope of seeing him again. I'm just impatient. I want to see him now.

Sometimes the events of last year seem too painful to actually be real. Does that make sense to anyone??? I mean...did I really carry a baby for 31 weeks only to lose him and to never see him alive? It's unthinkable. And I still question myself about whether or not I should have let Ethan see him. He was only 3. I just didn't know if his heart could take it...if he would understand....or if I even wanted him to understand. We never let Ethan see him...only pictures. I guess we made the best decision we could at the time. Maybe if we had known for a long time that we were going to lose Noah, we could have prepared Ethan and things would have been different, but it was a total shock. I still remember the excitement in my brother's eyes as he felt Noah kick for the first time...and for was the last time I felt him kick.

I still have my moments. Times that I just scream. I want to understand. I've had a few months of pushing the emotions away...not visiting his grave but just once in the past several months...I just haven't wanted to deal with it anymore. The grief seems's all crazy but it's all normal at the same time. There are those moments when I feel like I'm NEVER going to survive the moments when there is unbelievable pain that comes without warning...but God grants peace.

So many of my blog friends have had babies after losing a baby. It has given me so much hope and with each child that is born alive and healthy, I breathe easier. I have worried that if we ever have another baby, I might be sad or disappointed that it's not Noah. I'm glad to hear that others have felt this same way but that when their new baby arrived, their love only grew. I do hope we will be able to have another child someday.

So many of you continue to pray for us and send us messages of encouragement out of the means so much to us.


  1. I really struggled the last few weeks leading up to Wyatt's first birthday and when his birthday was finally here and gone things slowly started getting better. It was easier for me to find peace once his birthday wasn't looming over my head. I hope you are able to find peace to get through these next few weeks. I'll be praying for you and your family. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you...

  2. I'm with Danielle. Leading up to Carleigh's first birthday was a very emotional time for me. It was difficult b/c I usually handle things very well and it was quite a change that I couldn't control. But I needed that-needed to grieve. Hugs hun!!