I'm missing Noah so much today. His 1st birthday is just one week away. My heart feels like it's breaking all over again. I just can't stop re-living it over and over again in my mind. Every last detail.
God, I want him back so badly.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
You Can't Change the Past...
....but don't you sometimes wish you could? I would give anything to be able to turn back time and to urge the doctors to deliver Noah before it was too late.
I've been dealing with some of the same raw emotions I dealt with right after Noah's death last year. I'm missing him so much and I feel my body aching to hold him again. His first birthday is just 2 weeks away. I know he is in the safest place he can possibly be...and yes, that DOES make it easier. I can't imagine living without the hope of seeing him again. I'm just impatient. I want to see him now.
Sometimes the events of last year seem too painful to actually be real. Does that make sense to anyone??? I mean...did I really carry a baby for 31 weeks only to lose him and to never see him alive? It's unthinkable. And I still question myself about whether or not I should have let Ethan see him. He was only 3. I just didn't know if his heart could take it...if he would understand....or if I even wanted him to understand. We never let Ethan see him...only pictures. I guess we made the best decision we could at the time. Maybe if we had known for a long time that we were going to lose Noah, we could have prepared Ethan and things would have been different, but it was a total shock. I still remember the excitement in my brother's eyes as he felt Noah kick for the first time...and for me...it was the last time I felt him kick.
I still have my moments. Times that I just scream. I want to understand. I've had a few months of pushing the emotions away...not visiting his grave but just once in the past several months...I just haven't wanted to deal with it anymore. The grief seems endless...it's all crazy but it's all normal at the same time. There are those moments when I feel like I'm NEVER going to survive the moments when there is unbelievable pain that comes without warning...but God grants peace.
So many of my blog friends have had babies after losing a baby. It has given me so much hope and with each child that is born alive and healthy, I breathe easier. I have worried that if we ever have another baby, I might be sad or disappointed that it's not Noah. I'm glad to hear that others have felt this same way but that when their new baby arrived, their love only grew. I do hope we will be able to have another child someday.
So many of you continue to pray for us and send us messages of encouragement out of the blue...it means so much to us.
I've been dealing with some of the same raw emotions I dealt with right after Noah's death last year. I'm missing him so much and I feel my body aching to hold him again. His first birthday is just 2 weeks away. I know he is in the safest place he can possibly be...and yes, that DOES make it easier. I can't imagine living without the hope of seeing him again. I'm just impatient. I want to see him now.
Sometimes the events of last year seem too painful to actually be real. Does that make sense to anyone??? I mean...did I really carry a baby for 31 weeks only to lose him and to never see him alive? It's unthinkable. And I still question myself about whether or not I should have let Ethan see him. He was only 3. I just didn't know if his heart could take it...if he would understand....or if I even wanted him to understand. We never let Ethan see him...only pictures. I guess we made the best decision we could at the time. Maybe if we had known for a long time that we were going to lose Noah, we could have prepared Ethan and things would have been different, but it was a total shock. I still remember the excitement in my brother's eyes as he felt Noah kick for the first time...and for me...it was the last time I felt him kick.
I still have my moments. Times that I just scream. I want to understand. I've had a few months of pushing the emotions away...not visiting his grave but just once in the past several months...I just haven't wanted to deal with it anymore. The grief seems endless...it's all crazy but it's all normal at the same time. There are those moments when I feel like I'm NEVER going to survive the moments when there is unbelievable pain that comes without warning...but God grants peace.
So many of my blog friends have had babies after losing a baby. It has given me so much hope and with each child that is born alive and healthy, I breathe easier. I have worried that if we ever have another baby, I might be sad or disappointed that it's not Noah. I'm glad to hear that others have felt this same way but that when their new baby arrived, their love only grew. I do hope we will be able to have another child someday.
So many of you continue to pray for us and send us messages of encouragement out of the blue...it means so much to us.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Happy Father's Day!!!
David and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage on Monday. He is a wonderful husband and father! Happy Anniversary, baby!!!
And Happy Father's Day...
And Happy Father's Day...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Photography
I don't share a lot of my photography on this blog, but you can click over to my photography blog HERE. One of my friends from college lives just 15 minutes from me. She has two of the most beautiful curly-headed little girls I've ever seen! I had a great time taking pictures of these two sweet girls.
Click HERE to more from this photo shoot.
Click HERE to more from this photo shoot.
Friday, June 11, 2010
My Mom Before & After
Just wanted to show you how much progress my mom has made since her Gastric Bypass surgery in February.
Mom in August of 2009:
Mom now...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Scattered
This post is going to be kind of all over the place, so hang on. I have a lot to talk about and a lot to update on, so here we go...
Many of you (and by "you" I really mean my facebook friends who read my blog but never comment on my blog....just send messages to me on facebook about my blog) have asked how my mom is doing since her Gastric Bypass surgery. Well, she's doing great! She's lost about 75 pounds so far and her type 2 diabetes is gone! PRAISE GOD! She is feeling great and has so much more energy. I can tell a difference in her confidence. It's really wonderful to see my mom so happy, but most importantly...healthy.
I've been pretty emotional lately. With Noah's 1st birthday quickly approaching, my mind keeps going back to where we were a year ago. Life before our hearts were broken. My mind just keeps replaying everything from those last few weeks before we lost him. I desperately miss his kicks. I wish I could have seen him alive. I just miss him so much.
We are inviting all of our friends and family (and even those of you lady bloggers who live close enough to come) to our church on Saturday, July 10th as we remember Noah on his 1st birthday. We are also planning a balloon release out at his grave that day. It's not at all what you imagine for your child's first birthday. I want him to be here with us to enjoy his day with our family gathered around with cake all over his face. I cannot believe a year has gone by already. It still feels like just a few months have passed. Maybe it's the deep raw heartache that still overwhelms me without warning. Even on the days that are supposed to be filled with joy - when my friends are celebrating a new pregnancy, the birth of a child, or their child's 1st birthday...I mourn. Even as I type this my body physically aches to have Noah back in my arms...or at the very least...back in my womb.
I am still waiting on the results of my blood work I had done last week. If you missed that you can read about it HERE.
My mom has Ethan for the week. My parents live in Blue Ridge which is a little over 2 hours away from here. I am always a nervous wreck when Ethan is away from us. Don't get me wrong...I trust my mom completely. It's just the thought of something happening to him and me not being there really freaks me out. I think I've always been kind of a nervous (ok, paranoid) mom, but it's much worse since Noah died. I cannot tell you how many times a night I check on Ethan while he sleeps at night. We have a video monitor that we've had since he was a baby (and yes, we still use it every night even though he is now 4). I sometimes stare at it just to be sure I see his chest rise and fall. I know Ethan is having a great time with his Mamaw and going to Vacation Bible School at her church....but I sure do miss him! He will be home on Saturday.
I'd like to ask you all to pray for my cousin. She was about 7 weeks pregnant and miscarried last night and of course she is devastated. No matter how far along you are, it is so heartbreaking. It's your child. You love them from the moment you know they exist. Please say a special prayer for her if you will.
Tomorrow I am off of work (during the summer we work 4 long days Monday-Thursday, then we are off every Friday!!!) so I'm hoping to finish painting Ethan's room that I started months ago, get some laundry done, finish printing Noah's invitations, go for a run, and then I have a photo shoot with 2 pretty little girls at the park. Hopefully it will be a productive start to my weekend.
Many of you (and by "you" I really mean my facebook friends who read my blog but never comment on my blog....just send messages to me on facebook about my blog) have asked how my mom is doing since her Gastric Bypass surgery. Well, she's doing great! She's lost about 75 pounds so far and her type 2 diabetes is gone! PRAISE GOD! She is feeling great and has so much more energy. I can tell a difference in her confidence. It's really wonderful to see my mom so happy, but most importantly...healthy.
I've been pretty emotional lately. With Noah's 1st birthday quickly approaching, my mind keeps going back to where we were a year ago. Life before our hearts were broken. My mind just keeps replaying everything from those last few weeks before we lost him. I desperately miss his kicks. I wish I could have seen him alive. I just miss him so much.
We are inviting all of our friends and family (and even those of you lady bloggers who live close enough to come) to our church on Saturday, July 10th as we remember Noah on his 1st birthday. We are also planning a balloon release out at his grave that day. It's not at all what you imagine for your child's first birthday. I want him to be here with us to enjoy his day with our family gathered around with cake all over his face. I cannot believe a year has gone by already. It still feels like just a few months have passed. Maybe it's the deep raw heartache that still overwhelms me without warning. Even on the days that are supposed to be filled with joy - when my friends are celebrating a new pregnancy, the birth of a child, or their child's 1st birthday...I mourn. Even as I type this my body physically aches to have Noah back in my arms...or at the very least...back in my womb.
I am still waiting on the results of my blood work I had done last week. If you missed that you can read about it HERE.
My mom has Ethan for the week. My parents live in Blue Ridge which is a little over 2 hours away from here. I am always a nervous wreck when Ethan is away from us. Don't get me wrong...I trust my mom completely. It's just the thought of something happening to him and me not being there really freaks me out. I think I've always been kind of a nervous (ok, paranoid) mom, but it's much worse since Noah died. I cannot tell you how many times a night I check on Ethan while he sleeps at night. We have a video monitor that we've had since he was a baby (and yes, we still use it every night even though he is now 4). I sometimes stare at it just to be sure I see his chest rise and fall. I know Ethan is having a great time with his Mamaw and going to Vacation Bible School at her church....but I sure do miss him! He will be home on Saturday.
I'd like to ask you all to pray for my cousin. She was about 7 weeks pregnant and miscarried last night and of course she is devastated. No matter how far along you are, it is so heartbreaking. It's your child. You love them from the moment you know they exist. Please say a special prayer for her if you will.
Tomorrow I am off of work (during the summer we work 4 long days Monday-Thursday, then we are off every Friday!!!) so I'm hoping to finish painting Ethan's room that I started months ago, get some laundry done, finish printing Noah's invitations, go for a run, and then I have a photo shoot with 2 pretty little girls at the park. Hopefully it will be a productive start to my weekend.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Changes Are Happening
About 6 months ago David and I sat down and had a talk about our lives. There are 3 main areas that we have struggled with over the past few years that we really hoped to focus on making better this year. The first is our spiritual well being. David and I get so busy with life and church and work and being parents that we sometimes don't take the moments to just stop and really spend some quality time with our Savior. I've needed more of HIM. David's needed more of HIM. And since our son is with HIM...it really makes us want to know HIM even more.
The second area that David and I have struggled in is our finances. When we moved here to start Discover Point Church just 5 years ago, we were debt free (except our house and a student loan). After we had Ethan and I was a stay-at-home mom for a year and David's business was not doing so great, things got really bad. I went back to work and David got a better job and things started to turn around, but I will admit...when we lost Noah, everything changed. We spent money carelessly. More than anything it was on eating out because I didn't feel like cooking dinner...I didn't feel like doing anything - which brings us to that third area that we have struggled with...our health. Eating out will definitely pack on the pounds and will just make you feel miserable. Our bodies have taken a beating because of our emotional state.
All three of these things combined have made for 2 really depressed people! As we approach Noah's 1st Birthday, David and I both want CHANGE. I am currently in a Women's Bible Study at my church. It's a study by Beth Moore called "Breaking Free" (the new updated version). It is some powerful, powerful stuff and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time because of all that we hope to "break free" from.
David and I have also become very close to a couple at our church. Jeremy and Trista came to our church a little over a year ago and have become such great friends to us. Recently David and Jeremy started meeting weekly to just talk about life and encourage one another. Trista and I are also meeting weekly for the same purpose and it has definitely been something we have both needed.
As for our finances, David and I are on the path to become debt free (thank you Dave Ramsey!). It's going to be a long road, but we are determined and we hope to never get ourselves in this kind of mess again. We desire to be better stewards of all that God has provided for us.
And as for our health, we are working on that too. My dear friend, Brandi Dorsey, was so encouraging to me over Memorial Day weekend. She helped me to understand that I'm beautiful just the way I am and that it's a wonderful feeling to be healthy and to be kind to your body. I've been taking spin/cycling classes at the gym for a while now and with Brandi's help, I've started running. I've been running a few miles a day and then doing 30 minutes of Pilates each night. In the last 3 weeks I've lost 6 pounds and hope to keep up the momentum. I still have about 21 pounds to lose to reach my goal...but I'm trying not to concentrate too much on a number. If I can just be consistent and really have a healthy body, that will be such a great thing!
And something that I feel like God has orchestrated....
Yesterday I was on my way home from running and I was thinking about how much I have been inspired by the Lawrenson family. I thought about Tricia and about Cystic Fibrosis and how I just really wanted to do something to benefit the CF Foundation. Then today out of NOWHERE my friend Nanci emailed me and said, "Hey let's run this 1/2 marathon in September". I thought she was out of her mind. After all, the most I have run without stopping (which was TODAY by the way) is 1.6 miles. How on earth am I going to run 13.1 miles???? My first response was "no way", but then I read the website and what the race was for and I knew I had to say "yes". Well, it's going to take a LOT of hard work and lot of training, but it's a great way to keep up my momentum with losing weight and getting my body into shape. And the best part? The race is put on by Miles for Cystic Fibrosis and Team 65ROSES....
From the website about the race...
Who is Miles for Cystic Fibrosis and Team 65ROSES?
The second area that David and I have struggled in is our finances. When we moved here to start Discover Point Church just 5 years ago, we were debt free (except our house and a student loan). After we had Ethan and I was a stay-at-home mom for a year and David's business was not doing so great, things got really bad. I went back to work and David got a better job and things started to turn around, but I will admit...when we lost Noah, everything changed. We spent money carelessly. More than anything it was on eating out because I didn't feel like cooking dinner...I didn't feel like doing anything - which brings us to that third area that we have struggled with...our health. Eating out will definitely pack on the pounds and will just make you feel miserable. Our bodies have taken a beating because of our emotional state.
All three of these things combined have made for 2 really depressed people! As we approach Noah's 1st Birthday, David and I both want CHANGE. I am currently in a Women's Bible Study at my church. It's a study by Beth Moore called "Breaking Free" (the new updated version). It is some powerful, powerful stuff and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time because of all that we hope to "break free" from.
David and I have also become very close to a couple at our church. Jeremy and Trista came to our church a little over a year ago and have become such great friends to us. Recently David and Jeremy started meeting weekly to just talk about life and encourage one another. Trista and I are also meeting weekly for the same purpose and it has definitely been something we have both needed.
As for our finances, David and I are on the path to become debt free (thank you Dave Ramsey!). It's going to be a long road, but we are determined and we hope to never get ourselves in this kind of mess again. We desire to be better stewards of all that God has provided for us.
And as for our health, we are working on that too. My dear friend, Brandi Dorsey, was so encouraging to me over Memorial Day weekend. She helped me to understand that I'm beautiful just the way I am and that it's a wonderful feeling to be healthy and to be kind to your body. I've been taking spin/cycling classes at the gym for a while now and with Brandi's help, I've started running. I've been running a few miles a day and then doing 30 minutes of Pilates each night. In the last 3 weeks I've lost 6 pounds and hope to keep up the momentum. I still have about 21 pounds to lose to reach my goal...but I'm trying not to concentrate too much on a number. If I can just be consistent and really have a healthy body, that will be such a great thing!
And something that I feel like God has orchestrated....
Yesterday I was on my way home from running and I was thinking about how much I have been inspired by the Lawrenson family. I thought about Tricia and about Cystic Fibrosis and how I just really wanted to do something to benefit the CF Foundation. Then today out of NOWHERE my friend Nanci emailed me and said, "Hey let's run this 1/2 marathon in September". I thought she was out of her mind. After all, the most I have run without stopping (which was TODAY by the way) is 1.6 miles. How on earth am I going to run 13.1 miles???? My first response was "no way", but then I read the website and what the race was for and I knew I had to say "yes". Well, it's going to take a LOT of hard work and lot of training, but it's a great way to keep up my momentum with losing weight and getting my body into shape. And the best part? The race is put on by Miles for Cystic Fibrosis and Team 65ROSES....
From the website about the race...
Who is Miles for Cystic Fibrosis and Team 65ROSES?
Staying healthy with cystic fibrosis requires the stamina and determination of an endurance athlete. No one knows that better than 65ROSES co-founders, two pediatric CF physicians from Atlanta, who are also marathon runners.
Team 65ROSES became their vehicle to honor such dedication. It was designed for people who walk or run a half marathon or marathon while also raising awareness and funds to support the Cystic Fibrosis community.
In its fourth year, 65ROSES runners have participated in the four ING Georgia Marathons and two ING Miami Marathons, fielding a total of 687 team members and raising over $214,000.
An outstanding component of this organization is their pledge that through its team members, volunteers and supporters are distributed to CF-related charities, including: 100% of donations raisedCystic Fibrosis Foundation, a nonprofit, donor-supported organization, that assures the development of the means to cure and control cystic fibrosis and to improve the quality of life for those with the disease (www.cff.org); and CF-Reaching Out Foundation, an Atlanta-based nonprofit organization that provides financial support to CF families struggling with the cost of medications, nutritional supplements, utility bills, or other necessities, to live well and stay healthy. Check out their website at www.ReachingOutFoundation.org.
I have a lot of hard work ahead of me before the race on September 19th, but I am determined!
And please keep David and I in your prayers as we make a lot of changes in our lives to become all that God wants us to be and to live the abundant life he intended us to live.
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