A few months ago David's mom planned a family trip for all of us to Tybee Island. We decided to keep our plans the same. The trip is coming at an appropriate time. We need to get away and just spend time together as a family. I think it will be good for us. We are looking forward to Ethan getting to enjoy being at the beach for the first time.
Today was a difficult day for us. David had a hectic day at work and I had an emotional day at home. Physically, I'm starting to feel much better. But today I felt panicked all day. The only way to explain my feeligs today is to say that I felt as though I had a missing child and that I needed to look for him. My heart was racing and I had a lot of anxiety throughout the day. I guess that's just part of this whole grieving process. I don't know if others who have lost a child feel the same way, but as a mother, I feel like I should have protected Noah from this. I know that there was probably nothing different I could have done (I was told more than once that I was being paranoid about my blood pressure), but I can't help but play the "what ifs" over and over in my mind. If only I had noticed that he wasn't moving sooner, maybe they could have taken him earlier before he died. It's so hard to just accept things as they are and move on....though in reality, is there really any other choice? We can't bring him back. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he's no longer here. I'm not pregnant anymore. He's gone. All the planning and preparing, all the baby stuff I registered for, the baby showers that were planned, the maternity clothes hanging in the closet, Noah's room ready and waiting for him, his spot at the daycare we picked for him, his big brother Ethan's hand-me-down baby clothes washed and ready for him in the closet, it's all for nothing. Our waiting arms....empty. It's hard to go from all that planning to suddenly flipping the switch and the only planning you have is burying your child and trying to pay for a grave marker to put his name on.
I know that Noah is in Heaven. I have no doubts that he is with Jesus and he is with the other 4 babies we have lost. His brothers and sisters were there to greet him. And one day we will go home and we will see all of our children that we never got to know here on this earth. While Noah lived the longest of all the children we lost, I still believe that his other siblings are in Heaven...that they had souls. No matter if they were 4 weeks, 5 weeks, 12 weeks, or 31 weeks. That is the only comfort I have in my heart for now. While I am here on this earth, I will miss them. I will miss Noah. And I will fear losing another child. I pray for God to give us peace and that we will trust Him and trust His plan for our lives. I just feel like I am eventually going to fall apart. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this....ok....I KNOW I'm not strong enough. I need God to hold me up, to hold David up. We cannot do this alone. God has given us amazing friendships and an amazing family to help hold us up through this. I don't know what we would do without this support system around us.
God knew I needed David. I feel so blessed to have such an incredible husband. He loves me so much. While I have heard story after story of how losses like this rip couples apart, it's having the oppostie affect on David and me. We have grown so close together since the loss of Noah. Our love for each other is stronger than it has ever been before. We are communicating with each other through all of the hurt and pain and I'm so thankful for that.
Please pray for us as we leave for the beach tomorrow and get some much-needed time away as a family.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Home from the hospital...again
My blood pressure was high all morning yesterday, but I insisted that we wait to go to the hospital....because there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to miss my child's memorial service. Thankfully, my doctor and one of the nurses from the hospital were at the service. Afterwards, my blood pressure was 180/121, so my doctor followed us to the hospital and was able to get us straight into a room. I was devastated when they said I would have to stay for the night to monitor my BP. I wanted nothing more than to go home and spend time with family, hug Ethan, and just cry. It was a miserable night, but my BP is under control and I came back home this morning. Thank you again for the prayers and I'm so sorry for those of you that I didn't get to spend time with while you were here.
David and I were so encouraged by all of you who came to Noah's memorial service yesterday. We know that so many of you drove great distances to be there and it meant so much to us. The service was beautiful and we want to thank all of you who helped make it so meaningful for us. I know there were so many people who did so many things to make the service special, but there are a few I would like to specifically thank.....
Greg, thank you for starting off the service and playing the guitar while people arrived. You and Kathy are such great friends to us and we are so lucky to have you in our lives!
Brien, you sang so beautifully! "All the way my Savior leads me...." It was just perfect. You and Hannah are so dear to us.
Esther, my sweet sister-in-law, you and Jason have been incredible to us this whole week. You've cleaned for us, cried with us, taken care of Ethan for us, gotten food for us, and you wrote a beautiful poem for us. Thank you SO MUCH for everything. We love you! Thank you for reading the poem at the burial and the memorial. I know it was tough to get through. It was so beautiful.
Philip, you were such an encouragement to us and you and Angela are the best friends we could ever ask for. I know it's so hard to come up with the words to say in a time like this, but God used you to minister to us in a great way.
Brad, you have an amazing gift and you used technology to move in the hearts of people in that room. I've gotten so many comments and messages about how moving the video was. I know the song is very moving, but you did an excellent job of setting up the video and all the things you put on the screen throughout the service were so special to us. I cannot thank you enough for all that you did!!!! And you make things look so incredible even when you are asked to do something at the last minute.
There are so many others that we need to thank individually. So many cards, flowers, notes of encouragement and lots and lots of food. WOW! The food just keeps coming and we appreciate it so very much.
We hope to have a podcast of the memorial up soon for those of you who missed it. Brad is also working on getting the slideshow up that he showed at the memorial. We will link to that as soon as it's up.
First, here is the poem that Esther wrote and then below are a few photos from the site where Noah was buried.
Sweet Noah
As we each looked forward to the day you’d arrive,
We dreamed of how you would brighten our lives.
The pride and joy of your father and mother,
Your coming would make little Ethan big brother.
In an instant we learned that your time had been brief,
Leaving each one of us to suffer much grief.
Our arms are now empty and our hearts are now broken,
We weep for lost possibilities and words left unspoken.
Though it seems we are separated by a great distance,
You were one moment’s proof of Heaven’s existence.
Assured that our Father has a master plan,
We entrust your spirit to the palm of His hand.
-Aunt Esther and Uncle Jason
David and I were so encouraged by all of you who came to Noah's memorial service yesterday. We know that so many of you drove great distances to be there and it meant so much to us. The service was beautiful and we want to thank all of you who helped make it so meaningful for us. I know there were so many people who did so many things to make the service special, but there are a few I would like to specifically thank.....
Greg, thank you for starting off the service and playing the guitar while people arrived. You and Kathy are such great friends to us and we are so lucky to have you in our lives!
Brien, you sang so beautifully! "All the way my Savior leads me...." It was just perfect. You and Hannah are so dear to us.
Esther, my sweet sister-in-law, you and Jason have been incredible to us this whole week. You've cleaned for us, cried with us, taken care of Ethan for us, gotten food for us, and you wrote a beautiful poem for us. Thank you SO MUCH for everything. We love you! Thank you for reading the poem at the burial and the memorial. I know it was tough to get through. It was so beautiful.
Philip, you were such an encouragement to us and you and Angela are the best friends we could ever ask for. I know it's so hard to come up with the words to say in a time like this, but God used you to minister to us in a great way.
Brad, you have an amazing gift and you used technology to move in the hearts of people in that room. I've gotten so many comments and messages about how moving the video was. I know the song is very moving, but you did an excellent job of setting up the video and all the things you put on the screen throughout the service were so special to us. I cannot thank you enough for all that you did!!!! And you make things look so incredible even when you are asked to do something at the last minute.
There are so many others that we need to thank individually. So many cards, flowers, notes of encouragement and lots and lots of food. WOW! The food just keeps coming and we appreciate it so very much.
We hope to have a podcast of the memorial up soon for those of you who missed it. Brad is also working on getting the slideshow up that he showed at the memorial. We will link to that as soon as it's up.
First, here is the poem that Esther wrote and then below are a few photos from the site where Noah was buried.
Sweet Noah
As we each looked forward to the day you’d arrive,
We dreamed of how you would brighten our lives.
The pride and joy of your father and mother,
Your coming would make little Ethan big brother.
In an instant we learned that your time had been brief,
Leaving each one of us to suffer much grief.
Our arms are now empty and our hearts are now broken,
We weep for lost possibilities and words left unspoken.
Though it seems we are separated by a great distance,
You were one moment’s proof of Heaven’s existence.
Assured that our Father has a master plan,
We entrust your spirit to the palm of His hand.
-Aunt Esther and Uncle Jason
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thank you
Thank you so much for all of your continued thoughts and prayers for us. We just keep praying that God will be glorified through all of this and that someone may come to know Christ even through our suffering. He is our refuge and strength through all of this and we are clinging to Him.
We ask that you continue to lift us up as we have a tough weekend ahead. Tomorrow we will bury our little boy...something we never imagined ever having to do. Then Sunday we have a Memorial Service for Noah at 1:00 at our church (www.discoverpointchurch.com)
Please continue to pray for Lisa as she is having so much physical pain along with the emotional pain. She has a long road of recovery as this was her second c-section.
We wanted to share several more photos of Noah, including some that were taken of family holding him, so those are below (for those who would like to see them).....
We ask that you continue to lift us up as we have a tough weekend ahead. Tomorrow we will bury our little boy...something we never imagined ever having to do. Then Sunday we have a Memorial Service for Noah at 1:00 at our church (www.discoverpointchurch.com)
Please continue to pray for Lisa as she is having so much physical pain along with the emotional pain. She has a long road of recovery as this was her second c-section.
We wanted to share several more photos of Noah, including some that were taken of family holding him, so those are below (for those who would like to see them).....
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Noah David
We never imagined going through something like this. Our hearts are aching, but we are comforted that our child never had to suffer the pain and strife of this fallen world. He is in Heaven now and we will see him again someday.
Many of you have asked questions about what happened and we wanted to try to explain the events of the past few days.
On Monday Lisa went to work and while there she was trying to get Noah to move around or kick in her belly. She had not felt him move since Saturday afternoon and was getting concerned, especially since her blood pressure has been high since her 24th week. She pushed on her belly and drank a glass of orange juice to try to stir movement from Noah, but she could feel nothing. On Monday night we called the doctor and decided to go to the hospital to check his heartbeat. We made the decision on the way to the hospital to name our baby "Noah David". The name "Noah" means "peacemaker" or "comforter", and "David" means "beloved". When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse came and tried to find the heartbeat with a fetal monitor. She couldn't find it, so she went and got another nurse and they still couldn't find anything. Then they got the doppler and still nothing. We couldn't comprehend what was happening. We tried so hard to hear any movement but could not at all. The doctor came in with the ultrasound machine and we saw our precious baby boy on the screen, but his heart had stopped beating. We had just seen his strong heartbeat (155) a week earlier, but in that moment we knew that our precious Noah had gone to be with the Lord.
They admitted Lisa immediately and told us they would take Noah by c-section on Tuesday morning. It was so hard to comprehend. We fully expected that when we got to the hospital on Monday night, we would hear Noah's heartbeat and everything would be ok. We never imagined that we would lose our son. On Tuesday morning at 7:45, they did the c-section. Noah David weighed 3lbs. 6oz. and was 15 inches long. We weren't sure of what he would look like since Lisa was just short of 31 weeks pregnant. But he was so beautiful and perfect. He looked like his big brother, Ethan. +It was difficult to hear only silence in the OR when they pulled him out. No crying, just silence. Our doctor showed us the placenta and the umbilical cord and there were some obvious problems with it. The placenta was oddly aged to 41 weeks with calcium deposits on the outside. And the umbilical cord had 2 vessels that were protruding from the center of the cord. The pathologists will be doing several tests to try to find out what caused these malformations and to find out if this is what caused Noah to die. It may have also been the cause of Lisa's high blood pressure. The surgery went great and once they got us into a room, they cleaned up Noah and brought him to us. We held him for hours and we allowed family and friends to hold him. You never know what you will do in this kind of situation (since you don't actually think you will ever experience something like this), but we decided to take photos of Noah so that we could remember him always. We have posted just some of those below if you would like to see them. This may be too disturbing for some, so view at your own discretion. But some of you have requested to see photos of Noah, so we wanted to share at least a few with you.
The staff at Rockdale Medical Center was absolutely amazing. They went above and beyond to make sure both our physical and emotional needs were met. We cannot thank them enough for all that they did for us! There were even nurses and other staff who had been through losses like ours and really understood what we were going through.
There has also been an outpouring of love from all of our friends and family. We want to thank all of you who have sent us emails and comments on Facebook or myspace. We have been so comforted to have all of you grieve along side us. We said goodbye to Noah today which was the most difficult thing we've ever had to do. We do understand, however, that this was just his body and that he is in Heaven for eternity!
We are going to be having a private burial on Saturday at noon for just family to attend. We have a beautiful spot picked out in a nearby cemetary and they have a section there for babies who have passed away called "Baby Land". On Sunday at 1:00, everyone is invited to attend a Memorial Service for Noah at our church (Discover Point Church) at 1303 Parker Road in Conyers, Georgia.
Pictures of Noah are below.
Many of you have asked questions about what happened and we wanted to try to explain the events of the past few days.
On Monday Lisa went to work and while there she was trying to get Noah to move around or kick in her belly. She had not felt him move since Saturday afternoon and was getting concerned, especially since her blood pressure has been high since her 24th week. She pushed on her belly and drank a glass of orange juice to try to stir movement from Noah, but she could feel nothing. On Monday night we called the doctor and decided to go to the hospital to check his heartbeat. We made the decision on the way to the hospital to name our baby "Noah David". The name "Noah" means "peacemaker" or "comforter", and "David" means "beloved". When we arrived at the hospital, a nurse came and tried to find the heartbeat with a fetal monitor. She couldn't find it, so she went and got another nurse and they still couldn't find anything. Then they got the doppler and still nothing. We couldn't comprehend what was happening. We tried so hard to hear any movement but could not at all. The doctor came in with the ultrasound machine and we saw our precious baby boy on the screen, but his heart had stopped beating. We had just seen his strong heartbeat (155) a week earlier, but in that moment we knew that our precious Noah had gone to be with the Lord.
They admitted Lisa immediately and told us they would take Noah by c-section on Tuesday morning. It was so hard to comprehend. We fully expected that when we got to the hospital on Monday night, we would hear Noah's heartbeat and everything would be ok. We never imagined that we would lose our son. On Tuesday morning at 7:45, they did the c-section. Noah David weighed 3lbs. 6oz. and was 15 inches long. We weren't sure of what he would look like since Lisa was just short of 31 weeks pregnant. But he was so beautiful and perfect. He looked like his big brother, Ethan. +It was difficult to hear only silence in the OR when they pulled him out. No crying, just silence. Our doctor showed us the placenta and the umbilical cord and there were some obvious problems with it. The placenta was oddly aged to 41 weeks with calcium deposits on the outside. And the umbilical cord had 2 vessels that were protruding from the center of the cord. The pathologists will be doing several tests to try to find out what caused these malformations and to find out if this is what caused Noah to die. It may have also been the cause of Lisa's high blood pressure. The surgery went great and once they got us into a room, they cleaned up Noah and brought him to us. We held him for hours and we allowed family and friends to hold him. You never know what you will do in this kind of situation (since you don't actually think you will ever experience something like this), but we decided to take photos of Noah so that we could remember him always. We have posted just some of those below if you would like to see them. This may be too disturbing for some, so view at your own discretion. But some of you have requested to see photos of Noah, so we wanted to share at least a few with you.
The staff at Rockdale Medical Center was absolutely amazing. They went above and beyond to make sure both our physical and emotional needs were met. We cannot thank them enough for all that they did for us! There were even nurses and other staff who had been through losses like ours and really understood what we were going through.
There has also been an outpouring of love from all of our friends and family. We want to thank all of you who have sent us emails and comments on Facebook or myspace. We have been so comforted to have all of you grieve along side us. We said goodbye to Noah today which was the most difficult thing we've ever had to do. We do understand, however, that this was just his body and that he is in Heaven for eternity!
We are going to be having a private burial on Saturday at noon for just family to attend. We have a beautiful spot picked out in a nearby cemetary and they have a section there for babies who have passed away called "Baby Land". On Sunday at 1:00, everyone is invited to attend a Memorial Service for Noah at our church (Discover Point Church) at 1303 Parker Road in Conyers, Georgia.
Pictures of Noah are below.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)