26 Weeks - 3D Ultrasound

Today I had a doctor's appointment which included the Glucose Tolerance Test and an ultrasound. David met me at the doctor's office, I drank the not-so-great-tasting orange drink and we waited. My friend's mom was our ultrasound tech today. As soon as she put the little wand on my belly, Ella had her hands over her face as she always does. She was squirming all around. I was so surprised when she switched it over to 3D! This was unexpected (I knew they had the capability, but didn't know she was going to use it today). She took several measurements and checked all of Ella's organs. Everything seemed to be great. She started showing us all of her different parts (and once again confirmed that she is definitely a girl). Then David asked if she could get a good view of the umbilical cord. We got a very clear picture of it and then David asked if she could show us the blood flow in the cord. As soon as she switched it over and said the blood flow looked great, I kind of lost it. So many emotions went through me all at once. I am so happy that Ella is healthy and whole and it seems that she is going to be just fine, but I miss Noah so much and to be honest, I get so angry sometimes just thinking that if they had only checked the blood flow in Noah's cord...

I know...I can't play the "what if" game. It doesn't help anything.

I apologized to the ultrasound tech (my friend's mother) for my sudden emotional collapse, but she understood. After all, her son and daughter-in-law lost their daughter shortly after we lost Noah. They just recently had a healthy baby boy. She's seen the emotions of a mother who has lost her child. I was thankful in that moment that she was our tech.

Here are a few 3D pictures of our beautiful Ella Jane...

Her feet...

I will try to get a belly pic posted soon. Please keep us in your prayers over the next several weeks. Everything seems fine with Ella and I believe with all my heart that she is going to be born healthy and alive, but there is always this fear that lingers that I just can't seem to push away completely. With each passing day I love Ella even more and I miss Noah even more. I keep thinking about the weeks prior to losing him. In some ways I'm terrified of returning to that same hospital wing where we kissed our son goodbye and left empty-handed. I am pleading with God to let me keep Ella. To let me leave that hospital with her in my arms.

I'm 26 weeks...just 5 weeks away from when we lost Noah. Maybe some of the anxiety will taper off once I get past week 31.