18 Weeks

Ella and I are still doing very well. I'm now 18 weeks and so glad to be almost halfway there! My belly is really starting to grow, but I still haven't had anyone ask me if I'm pregnant.


Ella is moving a lot more. It's comforting. I really have found a lot of joy in this pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't expect to. I thought I would only be filled with fear and anxiety. There are still difficult moments. It's an odd thing to be filled with joy while still walking through grief. Sometimes the joy numbs the grief, but it's still there. I find myself daydreaming a lot about a life with 2 sons and a daughter. It's a strange thing to think about Ella being here...a newborn. Noah would be almost 16 months old now, but it's as if he's frozen in time as an infant. I only have pictures of him as a tiny 3lb, 6oz baby. I stare at the pencil portrait of our family above our t.v. as I type this....Noah, a tiny baby in my arms. But then Ella will be the baby in my arms. She won't replace Noah...he cannot be replaced. It's really hard to express in words what I'm trying to say...but I just wish all of my children could be here. And I don't want other people to forget Noah either. Being pregnant doesn't make it all better. I definitely feel very blessed and I'm thankful for the newness God has brought us by giving us a daughter.

I have recently started to worry a little about the next few ultrasounds over the next 8 weeks as they will take a closer look at Ella's organs. I know that so many of you who have lost babies found out around the 20-week mark that your baby would not live. I have been so excited over these past few weeks about how well Ella is doing, that I fear bad news could be looming. I'm sure these are normal feelings and I hope I really have nothing to fear. The high risk doc even told me at my last appointment that as of right now, this is like a completely normal pregnancy. I hope it stays that way.

While I still grieve the life that should have been, my brother and sister-in-law are grieving for the life they feel like should have been for them as well. For so many, this thing of having children comes so easy...sometimes even by accident. But it's not always so simple. Please pray for my sister-in-law as she is having surgery on Friday...another step in preparing her body to possibly carry a child. They need a big dose of HOPE...so please pray! They are trusting in God's plan for their lives.