Scattered

This post is going to be kind of all over the place, so hang on. I have a lot to talk about and a lot to update on, so here we go...

Many of you (and by "you" I really mean my facebook friends who read my blog but never comment on my blog....just send messages to me on facebook about my blog) have asked how my mom is doing since her Gastric Bypass surgery. Well, she's doing great! She's lost about 75 pounds so far and her type 2 diabetes is gone! PRAISE GOD! She is feeling great and has so much more energy. I can tell a difference in her confidence. It's really wonderful to see my mom so happy, but most importantly...healthy.

I've been pretty emotional lately. With Noah's 1st birthday quickly approaching, my mind keeps going back to where we were a year ago. Life before our hearts were broken. My mind just keeps replaying everything from those last few weeks before we lost him. I desperately miss his kicks. I wish I could have seen him alive. I just miss him so much.

We are inviting all of our friends and family (and even those of you lady bloggers who live close enough to come) to our church on Saturday, July 10th as we remember Noah on his 1st birthday. We are also planning a balloon release out at his grave that day. It's not at all what you imagine for your child's first birthday. I want him to be here with us to enjoy his day with our family gathered around with cake all over his face. I cannot believe a year has gone by already. It still feels like just a few months have passed. Maybe it's the deep raw heartache that still overwhelms me without warning. Even on the days that are supposed to be filled with joy - when my friends are celebrating a new pregnancy, the birth of a child, or their child's 1st birthday...I mourn. Even as I type this my body physically aches to have Noah back in my arms...or at the very least...back in my womb.

I am still waiting on the results of my blood work I had done last week. If you missed that you can read about it HERE.

My mom has Ethan for the week. My parents live in Blue Ridge which is a little over 2 hours away from here. I am always a nervous wreck when Ethan is away from us. Don't get me wrong...I trust my mom completely. It's just the thought of something happening to him and me not being there really freaks me out. I think I've always been kind of a nervous (ok, paranoid) mom, but it's much worse since Noah died. I cannot tell you how many times a night I check on Ethan while he sleeps at night. We have a video monitor that we've had since he was a baby (and yes, we still use it every night even though he is now 4). I sometimes stare at it just to be sure I see his chest rise and fall. I know Ethan is having a great time with his Mamaw and going to Vacation Bible School at her church....but I sure do miss him! He will be home on Saturday.

I'd like to ask you all to pray for my cousin. She was about 7 weeks pregnant and miscarried last night and of course she is devastated. No matter how far along you are, it is so heartbreaking. It's your child. You love them from the moment you know they exist. Please say a special prayer for her if you will.

Tomorrow I am off of work (during the summer we work 4 long days Monday-Thursday, then we are off every Friday!!!) so I'm hoping to finish painting Ethan's room that I started months ago, get some laundry done, finish printing Noah's invitations, go for a run, and then I have a photo shoot with 2 pretty little girls at the park. Hopefully it will be a productive start to my weekend.