20 Weeks

It's a big milestone for a pregnant woman. But for me, it's a different kind of milestone. It's been 20 weeks since we lost Noah. Unbelievable. I've kind of been all over the place emotionally today. The tears really started coming when I read Angie's post today. I think all of us who have lost a baby are really holding onto hope for Todd and Angie....it gives me hope for our future.

Thanksgiving is just 2 days away and there are moments when I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. The holidays are supposed to be happy....and I still think they can be....it's just so hard to not have my sweet cuddly baby in my arms, wrapped up all warm in a fuzzy blanket. I just miss him so much my heart aches. The smell no longer lingers in his tiny blue hat.


This picture might make you think he was an average sized baby. He was actually just 3 pounds 6 ounces. The hat barely fits over my fist. He was so tiny. So beautiful. I look at this picture and I can remember how soft his skin was...how he looked like Ethan...how his lips curled like his Daddy's...how his ears looked like Aunt Erica's...how blonde his little eyebrows were. He was ours for a little while. You are looking at a huge piece of my heart in that picture.

A friend of mine recently had an ultrasound and there was some concern that the baby's head was too large and that she could have swelling on the brain. I was terrified. I just pleaded with God that everything would be ok. Turns out the baby was just positioned funny and she is perfectly healthy. I cannot tell you what a relief that was to me. I'm a nervous wreck for all of my friends that are pregnant....my nerves are really going to be shot if I ever get pregnant again. David gets nervous just thinking about it. He worries about something happening to another baby, and he worries something could happen to me. Our hearts and minds are still not ready for that yet.

Thank you so much for walking with us. With time people forget...and I understand. But we will never forget....and we are so very thankful for those of you who remember Noah with us.