House of Collinsworth

NOAH'S STORY

2011-12-13T09:30:00.004-05:00

I know some of you may visit my blog today from http://www.thewordsmithjournal.com/you-are-not-alone.html, so I wanted to post Noah's story here as well. If you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a child, please feel free to look back through my archives as I hope it will be an encouragement to someone. The Lord carried us through even the most difficult time of our lives and our faith in Him has increased so much since that July day in 2009...(see video at the end of this post)

Noah's Story

On December 27, 2009, two little pink lines told us that we were expecting a baby. We had seen these lines many times before. In 2004, my husband, David and I were expecting our first...and second. Twins. But just 12 weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried. We were devastated. In 2005, we got pregnant and just days later had an early miscarriage. Then in May of 2006 we finally welcomed our first son, Ethan into the world and we thanked God for allowing us to be the parents of this precious little boy. When Ethan was 2 and 1/2 years old, we decided we wanted another child. Again we experienced an early miscarriage, but the very next month we got pregnant again. This time we felt certain that this little life growing inside me would be just fine. Ethan was going to have a baby brother. We were ecstatic and couldn't wait for his arrival.

It was a pretty normal pregnancy in the beginning. I had morning (or all day) sickness just like I had when I was pregnant with Ethan. But twenty-five weeks into the pregnancy, things began to change. My blood pressure was consistently high when I would go to the doctor for my checkups. My blood pressure had never been high before, so I was definitely concerned. I eventually became paranoid. I bought my own blood pressure cuff and would take my blood pressure several times daily. It was always high. I called the doctor several times and they did several ultrasounds. Every time they checked, our little boy seemed to be doing just fine and he was moving all around. My doctor took the high blood pressure very seriously and decided to call a specialist and make me an appointment. On July 4, 2009 my brother and sister-in-law came over to our house to watch the firework show that was visible from the top of our driveway. That night my brother got to feel the baby kick for the first time.

The morning of July 6, 2009 I woke up to the realization that I couldn't remember feeling the baby move the entire day before (Sunday). We were very busy that Sunday and I thought perhaps I had not sat down long enough to really feel him move. I knew I had felt him move on Saturday night. That was the last time I could remember feeling him move. I decided to drink some caffeine on the way to work to get him moving. When I got to work, my co-worker and I joked about how the baby was taking a long nap and needed to wake up. I jiggled my belly a bit, but still nothing. I decided to run up to the gas station and grab an orange juice, so I did. I drank it and waited. Still nothing. I convinced myself that I was just being paranoid and tried to get through the day at work without worrying about it. On my way home from work I called my best friend and then my dad. Both were very concerned and encouraged me to call the doctor. Their concern upset me and my worry was that the doctors would want to take the baby early. I was just 30 weeks and a few days along and I was terrified that my baby would end up in the NICU. I called the doctor and she told me to go to the hospital immediately. I started crying. I just kept telling my husband that I was worried they would take the baby early and that my blood pressure must be making him lethargic.

On the way to the hospital, David and I decided to finally settle on a name for our baby. After all, if he was possibly going to be born that day, he needed a name. I had wanted the name Noah all along, but David wasn't ready to decide until that day. We chose the name, "Noah David" which means comforter, peaceful. When I arrived at labor and delivery, they had me sign in and took me straight back to a room. They first used a fetal heart monitor (the little wand) and rubbed it all around my belly. We heard nothing. Then they strapped a heart monitor on my belly and we waited to hear something. Still nothing. I started to panic, but the nurse said she heard some movement and told me not to get upset. She went and got the doctor and brought in an ultrasound machine. The room began to spin. I stared at the ceiling and prayed out loud, "Father, please. Please let him be ok! You can make him be ok if you want to. Please don't take him from us!" They placed the wand on my belly and I stared at the screen. There was my little boy. His perfect little profile first caught my eye. There was my Noah, and he was still. No flashing heartbeat, no movement, no sound, just silence. I suddenly heard someone screaming and after a moment, I realized it was me. By this time there were several doctors and nurses in the room. They hugged us and then gave us a few moments to call our family and let them know what had happened. I couldn't bear to hear the sound of each of their hearts breaking, so I asked my husband if he could make the calls. Bravely he told each one.

In a split second, our world had changed forever.

We decided that we needed a night to process what had happened and I was not ready for the emptiness that was to come. I recalled the emptiness I felt after having a D&C when I miscarried our twins and I knew I wasn't ready. I wanted one more night with my son. We scheduled the c-section for the next morning. Our family was all there the next day and waited in the waiting room while I went into surgery. God's peace fell on us. The silence in that room was deafening as they pulled Noah out. In the quietness of that room I secretly prayed that a miracle would take place and he would somehow be born alive. But there was no screaming baby in that room that day. Our son was stillborn. I asked David how Noah looked. "Beautiful...he's perfect," he said. Noah David was born on July 7, 2009 at 3 pounds, 6 ounces and just 15" long. I immediately wanted to see this tiny baby I had carried all those months. A strange excitement came over me. Just like the excitement I had with my son, Ethan, I couldn't wait to hold Noah. Maybe it was my way of coping. I just wanted to snuggle with my baby, even though I knew he was gone. The next few days we spent holding him and photographing him so that we would never forget. We wanted to remember that his upper lip curled just like his Daddy's, that his profile looked just like his big brother's, that his ears looked just like his Aunt's. We never wanted to forget his beautiful face, his perfect little hands, his precious baby feet. We wanted to say our brief "Hello" before the inevitable "Goodbye".

After 3 days in the hospital, the dreaded day came when we would have to say goodbye. Leaving Noah in the arms of a nurse and walking out of that hospital empty-handed was by far the hardest thing we have ever had to endure. The next few days were a blur. We chose to have a private burial with just family and a few close friends and then we had a memorial service where we invited everyone to come. The service was beautiful, but so surreal. How could it be that my worst nightmare had become a reality? My blood pressure was at stroke level during the service. My doctor and one of my nurses who had attended the service immediately escorted me to the hospital afterward where I remained overnight in order to get control of my blood pressure. We later learned that the cause of Noah's death was blood clots that had formed all around the placenta. I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, a blood clotting disorder. This was most likely the culprit of all of our pregnancy losses.

We buried Noah at a local cemetery in a small section called "Babyland" where so many other babies were buried. In the days that followed his burial, I would visit daily and pray over each grave and for the parents of the child inside. I longed to connect with the mothers of these children. I made a bold move and decided to google some of the baby's names to see if I could locate their parents. I only found one. Her name was Dawn - the mother of a baby girl buried close to Noah. I contacted her and prayed that she wouldn't think me a stalker. She responded and we had an instant connection. Our hearts had holes in them, but our children were together. They were in the arms of Jesus. I am so thankful to have found a friend who understands and shares my pain.

There is a song that I listened to on repeat in my car while facing the harsh reality that we would not raise this child I had carried for 31 weeks. The song is written by the group "Selah" and it is called, "Unredeemed". My favorite line of the song says, "Places where grace is soon to be so amazing. It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored, but you never know the miracle the Father has in store". Every time I heard that line, I pictured myself back in that hospital room, but this time, holding a healthy baby girl in my arms. Noah could not be replaced and we knew we needed time to grieve, but we also longed for this heartache to be redeemed. We wanted another child.

On Noah's 1st birthday, we invited family and friends for a Balloon Release to remember our precious boy. It was the perfect day. One year. We had made it. We would never forget our sweet boy, but we knew we were ready to try again. In fact, we got pregnant right away and on March 18, 2011, we welcomed Ella Jane Collinsworth into our hearts and lives. David and I always felt in our hearts that God would give us a girl after Noah. There were a lot of scares in the early part of my pregnancy with Ella and I had to give myself over 230 injections to prevent blood clots from forming. We knew how to save her because of her brother. He had made a way for her.

Since losing Noah, I have met countless women who have walked this road either right before us or right behind us. It's a difficult road full of ups and downs. I wish this kind of tragedy never happened in the lives of so many families. We never know when grief will hit us, but we always have hope. We have the hope of a Savior. The hope of a creator God who knew that he would create Noah. A God who knew the number of hairs on his head. There are days when I have asked God, "why?", but then I remember that He never promised us we wouldn't have sorrow or that we wouldn't have pain, He promised He would carry us through. And through our suffering, we could allow Him to receive glory. I will have Noah forever because God chose to create him. God promised us that we will see him again someday. We will spend eternity with him. There is no greater joy. I long for the reunion we will have someday where we will know no more pain. Grief will be no more. And never again will we have to say goodbye.

Noah's video (from his 2nd birthday...)

Really?

2011-11-09T08:19:00.003-05:00

I know what you are thinking......

Really?

Really you are getting back to blogging?

Really?

Because I don't see many posts here.

I know.

Life is busy.

Really good days.

Really bad days.

I have so many things to update about and as soon as I get a few minutes of peace, I'll write a long update.

No more promises to post regularly.

I want to. I really want to.

I'll try my best to.

Ella at 6 months and vacation time!

2011-09-26T06:14:00.008-04:00

At 6 months Ella weighs 14 lbs, 7 oz., is 26" tall and has a head circumference of 16.5". She is 100% pure sunshine! I love this age...it is my absolute favorite! She is such a happy girl and unless she is hungry, she is all smiles. She is sitting up on her own (since about 2 weeks ago...if we put her in the sitting position, she will stay put). She loves watching her big brother jump around and be silly. She's still saying "Mamamama" every now and then, but mostly she says, "Babababa" or just makes her mouth move as if she's saying "Mama", but no sound comes out. She is still stictly breastfed, but we will probably be introducing some solids in the next few weeks. Honestly I keep putting it off because with each step that means she is growing up and I'm not ready for that! Of course, it is inevitable.

We leave Friday to go on a family vacation to Panama City Beach, Florida!!! I cannot tell you how excited we are! This will be Ella's first vacation. 8 days of this view...

Friday night we will make a stop in Montgomery to see my Papaw and then we will be on our way to the beach Saturday morning.

Please pray for Ethan today. He woke up with a fever of 100.2, a stuffy nose, and a sore throat. He's wide awake at 6:00am and says he feels ok, but he can't go to school with a fever. I guess I should be glad it is happening now and not next week!

Back to Blogging

2011-09-09T13:43:00.007-04:00

Well, here I am. Back to blogging. I have every week of Ethan's 1st year of life journaled on my xanga and I wish I had been blogging all along during these last 5 and 1/2 months of Ella's life. I'm going to do better! I want to remember this time with my children. I look at Ethan today and I can't believe how quickly he's made the transition from baby to toddler to little boy. He started Kindergarten on August 1st.

He loves school. He is so eager to learn. He is an outgoing little guy who makes friends so easy. God has blessed us with such a loving little boy. He loves Jesus. He wants to do right. He makes us proud.

Ella is growing and changing each and every day. At 5 1/2 months old she is 15 pounds of pure sunshine.

(Little pink chair - great antique store find...$10.00)

She is so close to being able to stay sitting up without tumbling over. I think she may start crawling before she can sit. She is already getting up on her hands and knees. She is still strictly breastfed. It has been a lot harder with Ella than with Ethan since I'm working, but it has definitely been worth it! And just like her big brother, Ella said "Mama" first (8/3o/11).

David stays busy with work and church. We have both made some big changes and have started eating better and exercising. Can I just tell you how incredibly blessed I am to be married to this man?

And me? Well, I turned 31 years old on August 27th. For me, 31 was more difficult to deal with than 30. I guess because "30" is fun and exciting and "31" just means you are one step closer to "40". It gave me a mission though: to become healthy and lose the rest of this "had-three-babies" weight. I hope to be a much healthier me (and start to recognize myself again) by my 32nd birthday (but hopefully sooner!!!).

So it's back to blogging!....

At 4 Months Old...

2011-07-27T13:23:00.033-04:00

Sweet Ella, you are growing up too fast! At 4 months old you weigh 13lbs, 3oz. and you are 24 and 3/4 inches long. Your head circumference is 16". Mommy is still breastfeeding you and hopes to continue until you are a year old. You love to have your hands on your face and you REALLY love it if Mommy, Daddy or big brother have their hands on your face. You will just hug our hands and go right to sleep. You are rolling over from your back to your tummy constantly...but you get mad once you are on your tummy. It makes Mommy a nervous wreck because you just bury your face when you are on your tummy. You are grabbing your feet and trying so hard to put them in your mouth. You love to stand up while holding someone's hands...or leaning against your rocker. And Mommy is enjoying so much having a "baby doll" to dress up. Here is you and your "little black dress"...

You are still such a happy baby. You have been teething lately...drooling, wanting to chew on everything, etc. so you've been a little fussier than normal, but you can go from fussing to giggling in the same breath. Mamaw bought you the book "I am a bunny". She read it to you every single day while she was here and I think you really like it! Mommy misses you SO MUCH while I'm at work and I wish I could be with you all day. Mamaw's last day with us for the summer was yesterday. She went back home to Blue Ridge and we were all very sad to see her go.I love coming home and having some cuddle time with you and Ethan every day. Your big brother absolutely adores you! His "baby voice" that he uses to talk to you is so cute. He calls you "baby sister" and "Ciner-Ella". You love your pacifier (the glow in the dark ones...which Mommy finds very handy in the middle of the night!). You love watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with big brother. You hang out a lot in your swing, bouncy seat and Bumbo. You are still sleeping in the bassinet in Mommy and Daddy's room....I'm not quite sure when Mommy will be ready to move you to your room. You have the sweetest pouty little lips I've ever seen. Everyone says they are the perfect "cupid's bow". They are so kissable!
We celebrated your big brother Noah's 2nd birthday this month. You visited his grave with us for the first time and we had a balloon release. You don't know about Noah yet...but someday we will tell you all about him and how through his loss, he made a way for you to be here with us and for that we are forever grateful.

Grow, baby, grow...but not too fast!!!

Noah's 2nd Birthday

2011-07-07T21:13:00.002-04:00

We remember our sweet boy today on his 2nd Birthday. Missing him even more this year. Wishing we were watching him grow.

It's real. It's not fun.

2011-06-30T22:43:00.004-04:00

Postpartum. It's real. I never fully understood it...because I've never had it. Now obviously after Noah, I was depressed, but that was grief, not postpartum. I am so in love with my daughter and I'm so thankful for her. She really makes me smile and she is such a good baby, so don't misunderstand. My feelings have nothing to do with her. But my hormones are all over the place. I'm so extremely sensitive right now and it's driving me crazy.

Things have happened over the last few weeks that have been upsetting, but you would think someone died the way I've hurt and cried over it. I just can't shake it. I physically can't. Going back to work has been very difficult and it's even more difficult when I feel like things have changed since I've been back. My boss and even some of my co-workers are treating me differently....as if annoyed that I was out on maternity leave. Mind you, right now I'm way more sensitive, way more paranoid, and definitely could be perceiving things different from reality. Time with family seems to be lacking. I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning which means in order to have time to get a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack my lunch and feed Ella, I have to be up at 4:45. When I overslept just a little on Tuesday, I had to rush through feeding her and put her down and leave for work, knowing she was still hungry. Very very upsetting. I get off of work at 2:00 each day, come home, try to rush in some time with my husband and my kids and also do laundry and dishes. The house is a wreck. I want to be home. I don't want to be at work. I want to be home. My house was spotless by the end of my maternity leave. It didn't last. It makes me feel like a bad mom to rush through stories, rush through play time, get the kitchen only somewhat clean, and give 5 minutes of conversation to my husband only to roll over and go to sleep so I can be up at 4:45 and do it all over again. Friendships have suffered these last few weeks, my husband feels helpless at times and I feel even more terrible for him to have to deal with this depressed person. I'm a child of God...so...

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I know there are medications out there to help with this, but I'm not a big fan of medications and I would prefer to try anything else....including pleading with God to help me get over this. And take out my frustrations on my elliptical! :o)

Anyway, I could use some prayer. And forgive me. My emotions are all over the place. Happy one minute, in the depths of despair the next, even sometimes angry. I'm working on it.

oh...and Noah's 2nd birthday is 1 week from today...

Ella's First Laugh

2011-06-02T14:48:00.002-04:00

Ella has giggled before, but this was the first time she really laughed...and we caught it on video!

Here you are, sweet girl...laughing at your mommy and Angela at just 2 and 1/2 months old. So precious!

At 2 Months Old...

2011-05-31T19:20:00.006-04:00

Ella Jane,

At 2 months old you are just plain adorable! You are smiling big smiles at us every day and just yesterday, you started giggling! When you cry you make a sound that sounds just like you're saying "Ma-ma". Your big brother, Ethan used to cry the exact same way! (Yes, your mommy will claim that you are a genius and will say that your first word was at 2 months old and it was "Mama"....haha!). At your 2 month appointment you weighed 11 pounds, 5.5 ounces and you were 22" long. My growing girl!

You started sitting in your Bumbo seat this week. This was the Bumbo I bought for your big brother, Noah...that's why it is blue...but you don't seem to mind one bit!

We still don't know for sure what color your hair will turn out to be, but in the sunlight, you sure do look like a redhead (taking after your Nana!)

You still sleep in your bassinet next to Mommy and Daddy's bed. And yes, you sleep!!!! Mommy checks on you A LOT during the night. She can't help it. She loves you. Since Mother's Day you have been sleeping through the night almost every single night and this makes Mommy SO HAPPY!!! Thank you for this wonderful Mother's Day gift that I hope lasts for years to come! I think the secret is that you like to be wrapped up like a little burrito...

You love your play mat and you have even started grabbing the little sunshine toy that hangs down from it. You also love tummy time!

You really only cry when you get really hungry. (Funny that right as Mommy was typing those words you started demanding your dinner!) You are still nursing like a champ and mommy enjoys the bonding time with you. You really are a very happy baby and your big brother just LOVES making you smile!

We love watching you grow each day! Mommy is sad that she has to go back to work in just 2 weeks, but she's enjoying this time with you. Grow, baby, grow!!!

I'm still here!!!

2011-05-21T22:09:00.011-04:00

Wow...it's been a while. A lot has happened in the last few weeks. We've been super busy!!!

The month in pictures...

First there was Easter. We spent the day with family...

Then Mother's Day and Ella's Baby Dedication...

Ethan turned 5 years old!

For his 5th birthday we went to Stone Mountain...

My grandparents came for a visit all the way from Texas.
It was there first time meeting Ella Jane (the "Jane" came from this lady right here!)...

Ethan graduated from Pre-K. He got to play "Grandpa" in one of the songs they sang called
"Can you count with me?"

Here's one of his best buds, Preston who played "Pa"...
they've been friends since they were babies!

This month exhausted our little burrito...

And Miss Ella turned 2 months old...

Ella's Birth Story - Part 2

2011-04-26T14:00:00.001-04:00

And finally, the rest of the story...

At about 6:30am on that Friday (March 18th), they took my blood work again to check to see if it was still too thin. About an hour later they came back and said that my blood was back to normal and we could move forward with the c-section! I was so relieved. All these months, all the waiting, then the delay...we were finally going to meet our daughter! They were going to take me straight back to the OR for the c-section, but another mother had to have an emergency c-section (she was just 28 weeks...and thankfully, her and her baby did just fine). At that point I started having pain in my hand from where they had put my IV. Let me just say that the IV is one of the WORST parts of being in the hospital. It's so painful! My FAVORITE nurse, Amy came in. She was my nurse when we had Noah and she has become a friend since then. Amy had to take out my IV in my left hand because it wasn't working properly and she was able to put a new one in the top of my right wrist. She did a fabulous job!!! I didn't feel a thing and it was in a much more comfortable place.

At 9:00am David put on his scrubs and we headed down to the OR. David sat in his "Daddy chair" and waited while they prepped me for surgery. They led me down a hall and to the room on the right. We had Noah in the room to the left. I was thankful for the change. I had a different anesthesiologist this time. He was the sweetest man. He carefully explained everything about the spinal and exactly what he was going to do and what I might experience. He warned me that I could get really nauseous and throw up during the c-section. Not just because of the spinal, but because of all the stretching and pulling they do to get the baby out. I thought to myself, "no...I've done this twice already and I've never thrown up". I shared with him about Noah and he told me that he and his wife lost twins at 21 weeks many years ago. He understood our pain and we had this instant connection. I found out later this man is a Christian and then I understood why he was so comforting to me. He really shared the love of Jesus. I sat on the edge of the table with my head on a little head rest as he started the spinal. I was so nervous, but I didn't feel a thing. Not even the tiny pinch he said I would feel. They helped me lay back on the table as I slowly felt the numbness. Within a few minutes my chest started to go numb and I started to panic. I felt like I couldn't take a deep breath so I said, "I need oxygen!". They put the little tube in my nose and told me to stay calm. (TMI alert) Then a few minutes later I realized the anesthesiologist was right...I was going to throw up. But how? I couldn't feel my chest or stomach or anything and I was laying down on a table! I had to turn my head to the side and throw up in a little pan he held beside me and he used a little suction tube to help get it all out of my mouth. I have never had such difficulty throwing up....it's REALLY not easy to do in this position. Anyway...gross, I know. I was so upset that I felt so sick in a time where our lives were about to change for the better. They let David in and the poor guy had to witness more of the vomiting. He was so sweet about it though. They started the surgery and I started praying. "God please let Ella be healthy, please let me hear her cry quickly, please let this be a different experience. God, kiss my little boy for me. I miss him so much."

Thankfully the nausea stopped just in time. Normally you're not supposed to take video in the OR, but when you've lost a baby, they tend to bend the rules for you a bit. David got the whole thing on video. Yep, he filmed over the curtain so I could see it all later. I heard Dr. D say "baby's on the move" as they started trying to pull her out. My heart was beating so fast. Could it really be? After all the tears, all the sleepless nights filled with grief, after thinking this baby wasn't really there in the beginning, after the hemorrhage, after 200 injections, all the high risk appointments, all the worry, all the pleading with God to let her outlive us, was this finally the moment? I just wanted to hear her cry. Then David said, "Unbelievable! She's out...she's good. She is healthy." And in the next second the doctor held my daughter over the curtain to let me see her and I started the ugly cry and David started to cry. He filmed my tears and said, "Are you sure you want me to film this?" For the first time in a really long time...I could breathe. The relief I felt was so freeing. My baby girl was here. She was safe. She was crying. Thank you, Jesus.

At 9:57am, we met our daughter.

First, the ugly cry...

The beautiful cry...

8lbs, 15oz. 19 inches long.

They stitched me up and took me into the recovery room. They brought Ella to me and I was able to nurse right away. She latched right on and I know you men won't understand this...but that was an incredible moment. More tears. Our family got to come in 2 at a time to meet Ella. It was such a celebration. We wanted to make it a special moment when Ethan met his little sister for the first time, so we waited until later in the afternoon. Another amazing moment.

We spent the first few days just loving on her and cuddling with her. I don't think I slept at all the first night. I just couldn't stop staring at her. In the first 48 hours she lost 14oz and was 8lbs, 1oz. They said that was ok, but that they hoped she wouldn't lose much more. Most babies lose a few ounces at birth, but they didn't like them to lose more than 10%. She was nursing like a champ, so we didn't worry too much about it. On Saturday night my blood pressure was extremely low...they said probably due to lack of sleep. I drank a lot of water and though I was very upset about it, I let them take her to the nursery for a few hours only with the promise that they would bring her back to let me nurse her and would not give her formula. I was able to get some good rest and my blood pressure started to get back to normal Sunday morning. Then Sunday night I only got about 1 hour of sleep. By Monday (the 21st), Ella was down to 7lbs, 13oz. and David and I noticed she was looking a little yellow. We were supposed to go home on Monday, but Ella was jaundice so they wanted us to stay another day to put her under the Bili lights for a day. I was an emotional wreck when they told us that. Really it wasn't that big of a deal, I was just so exhausted and was ready to go home (remember I had already been there since Thursday and now we weren't going to leave until Tuesday!).

Here is Miss Hollywood under the lights...

Taking a break from the lights for a cuddle...

Finally on Tuesday, March 22nd we got the "ok" to be discharged from the hospital and take our sweet (now 7lb, 12oz.) girl home. We got all packed up and I went to the discharge class (required). We loaded up all of our stuff on our cart, hugged the nurses who were all so wonderful to us and headed to the elevators. I couldn't believe this moment was actually happening. While we were on the elevator, David and I looked down at Ella and a huge smile swept across her face. I said, "I know baby girl, we are so happy we are going home too." We walked to the doors and I started to cry as I remembered that not so long ago I walked out of these same doors empty-handed and broken-hearted. But not this time...

One of the happiest moments of my life...

And so a new chapter begins. In no way does this little girl replace Noah...he cannot be replaced. And we would never put that kind of expectation on her. But she sure does bring some sunshine after the rain. We are so thankful for her. We love her. Ethan adores her. I can't wait to watch this little girl grow up. Thank you, God for such a beautiful and precious gift.

More Ella Pics...

2011-04-15T21:42:00.005-04:00

So while you're waiting (ever so patiently) for me to finish writing the rest of Ella's birth story...

It's coming...

2011-04-09T20:31:00.003-04:00

I promise...the rest of Ella's birth story is coming. As so many of you know, it's hard to put it all into words. And it takes TIME to write it all down. And most of my time is taken up right now loving on this sweet baby girl of mine.

But it's coming...soon.

Ella's Birth Story (Part 1)

2011-03-26T22:21:00.003-04:00

It all began on Tuesday, March 15th. I had a miserable day at work feeling uncomfortable and so desperate to go into labor or SOMETHING to prompt Ella's arrival. I had a doctor's appointment right after work and while I wanted everything to be just fine with Ella, I was secretly hoping for some reason to deliver her early. I was growing more and more worried that something could happen to her before the c-section planned for that Friday. I made it very clear to my doctor that I did not want an amniocentesis. I believed it to be an unnecessary risk, but the hospital usually requires it prior to 38 weeks. My doctor was able to avoid the amnio by waiting until the last minute to schedule the c-section. She asked me if I minded if the c-section was Thursday or Friday and I said either one was fine with me. Later in the day she sent me a text saying we were to be at the hospital at 5:30am on Thursday and the c-section would be at 7:30am. So we got ready for a St. Patrick's Day baby! Wednesday was the longest day ever but I knew that Ella would be in our arms soon. We finished packing our bags Wednesday night and then neither of us were able to sleep a wink. We arrived at the hospital on Thursday morning, excited about the big day ahead. Our pastor showed up early with us to pray with us before we would go back for surgery. They got my IV started, took some blood, and gave David his scrubs for the OR.

David got the Flip camera ready and we headed down to the OR at 7:30. We walked down the hall and there was the little chair for David...the chair that dads have to wait in while moms get prepared for surgery. The same chair David sat in before Ethan's and Noah's births. I gave him a kiss and went with the nurse to the OR. They sat me up on the table to prepare me for my spinal. The anesthesiologist asked me several questions and then I shared with her that I had Factor V Leiden and had been off of the Lovenox for over 24 hours (as I was told by my OB). She then asked me if they had done the PT, PTT blood test. I told her I didn't think so, but they did take some blood earlier. She said that it was absolutely necessary to have this blood test done to check the coagulation of my blood before she could proceed with a spinal (it could paralyze me if my blood was too thin and/or I could bleed to death). So they sent me out of the OR and back to my room to wait for another blood test. 45 minutes later they came back in with the results. They said my blood was still too thin and that the c-section had to be postponed for Friday morning. At that time they would do another blood test to make sure my blood was where it needed to be. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I started crying and was overwhelmed with a sense of dread. What if something happened to Ella between then and Friday? Irrational, I know. i was also upset that my grandad had driven all the way from Montgomery, AL at 3:30am to be there and now he would miss her arrival on Friday as he had to go back home. I only cried for about 20 minutes and then I just accepted it. I would spend the rest of the day just trying to enjoy my last day being pregnant with her. They decided to keep me at the hospital for the night.

David and I woke up Friday morning, ready to meet our daughter...
(to be continued)

Ella's First Photo Shoot

2011-03-24T20:00:00.007-04:00

I'm busy loving on this little girl and haven't had time to write out her birth story. I promise, I will get to it very soon. For now, I'll leave you with pictures from my first photo shoot with Ella!

More pics of our sweet girl

2011-03-20T07:29:00.003-04:00

Ella Jane - 1 Day Old

2011-03-19T10:41:00.002-04:00

More pics and birth story to come!

Ella Jane is here!!!!!!!!

2011-03-18T22:01:00.002-04:00

We are so in love. Ella Jane arrived at 9:57am weighing in at a whopping 8lbs, 15oz. and 19" long. She is so beautiful and we are in awe! All we kept saying was, "thank you, Jesus, thank you" when we heard her first cries. I promise pics will come soon! For now, we are just spending time cuddling with our girl.

Postponed and Disappointed

2011-03-17T10:35:00.002-04:00

We were so ready. We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 this morning. They put me in a room, took some blood, put my IV in and wheeled me down to the OR at 7:30. The anesthesiologist asked me a few questions and when I told her about the Factor V Leiden and that I took my last Lovenox injection Tuesday night, she said they would need to do a blood test to see if my blood was coagulating before she could do the spinal. Forty-five minutes later they came in and told me that my blood was still too thin and it was too dangerous to do the c-section today. So we have been rescheduled for tomorrow morning. They are keeping me at the hospital tonight to keep an eye on Ella. I am extremely disappointed and honestly, just super impatient to have Ella here in my arms. So we wait some more. I guess she really wanted her birthday to be March 18th, not the 17th. She doesn't want to share with St. Patrick. :o)

We will hopefully have some wonderful pictures to share with you tomorrow. In the meantime, pray that I get some rest (I slept NONE at all last night). I'm pretty exhausted physically and emotionally right now.

Our Rainbow Baby Arrives Today!

2011-03-17T04:27:00.003-04:00

Sweet Ella Jane will be in our arms in a matter of hours. I can't believe it. The day is finally here. We will post pictures as soon as we can. Please be in prayer for us this morning. C-section is at 7:30. I didn't sleep a wink, but I'm too excited to be sleepy.

We love you so much, sweet girl! Your mommy and daddy can't wait to hold you!!!!!!!!!!!

Impatiently Waiting

2011-03-15T13:09:00.005-04:00

UPDATE: My doctor's appointment went great and Ella is doing very well. Her heartbeat was on the lower side (120's) so Dr. D went ahead and put me on the NST. She had great accelerations and everything looked great. Dr. D had not yet scheduled my c-section, so she asked if I preferred Thursday or Friday. I told her either day was fine. She texted me later and said to be at the hospital at 5:30 Thursday morning and the c-section is scheduled for 7:30. So it looks like we are having a St. Patty's Day baby!!! I am a little bummed however that my favorite nurse (Amy) who was with us when we had Noah will not be able to be there on Thursday. She will be there Friday, but I'm sad she won't be able to be there with us during the surgery. :o( My bro and sis-in-law will also not be able to be there because of work and other obligations that they absolutely can't get out of, so they are a little bummed too, but I know we will have the rest of our lives to all enjoy Ella together. Please be in prayer for us on Thursday morning!

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Original Post...
I can see that several of you are checking in on me a few times a day. Sorry! I guess an update would be nice. Ella is set to arrive via c-section this Friday. We will have internet at the hospital, so I promise we will update with pics as soon as we can! At my last doctor's appointment my blood pressure was a little higher than it has been the whole pregnancy. Not high, just higher. I also had a little protein in my urine. I go back to the doctor today and if either my BP or the protein has gone up, they may consider delivering today or tomorrow, but that's unlikely. Most likely our baby girl won't arrive until Friday afternoon sometime. Can I just say that I have never been more impatient for something than I am about her arrival? I'm very anxious and trying to just give it over to the Lord (every hour!!!). She's moving a lot today which comforts me. I just want her here while I know she is developed and thriving!!! Speaking of thriving, the ultrasound tech at my high risk doc estimates that Ella is about 8lbs, 9oz. WOAH! Keep in mind that I'm only 37 weeks and 2 days! Ethan came on his due date and he was 8lbs, 3oz. She would probably be a 10-pounder if we had to wait until 40 weeks to deliver! I must admit that I'm a little sad that she won't be a tiny baby when she arrives. She's ALREADY growing up too fast!

I had a breakdown yesterday. It's a mix of hormones, tired of being pregnant, anxious for her to arrive safely, and being just plain exhausted. Fear had a grip on me yesterday. I had all these thoughts of the thousands of different scenarios that could happen between now and Friday and I just became overwhelmed. Since I lost Noah, I've heard from countless women about how they lost their child. It really is unbelievable how many different things can go wrong in a pregnancy...even at the end. Usually grief follows fear. I started thinking about Noah and missing him so much. I ache to have him in my arms while I also desperately ache to have Ella in my arms. It's strange that in just a few days we will walk through the same doors of that hospital where we left empty-handed and broken-hearted just 20 months ago. I'm praying that God is writing a whole different story for us this time. I want that place of heartache and sadness to be filled to the brim with joy and love for a little girl. A little girl that is here because of her brother.

It won't be long now. These last few days are definitely dragging by. I know she will be here soon. For now, we just have to wait.

Baby Shower and the wait

2011-03-05T19:24:00.013-05:00

My sweet sister-in-law, Esther along with 3 of my dear friends (Sandra, Angela, & Trista) threw me a baby shower at my church last weekend. It was so much fun and wait until you see the pics below of how they blessed us with so much girly stuff! The decorations, the food, the cake, the friends...everything was just perfect!

The hostesses....

All the guests (minus a few who had to leave early)...
thank you to friends who drove from across state and from out of state to be there!!!
Love you girls!!!

The BEAUTIFUL cake, made by my friend, Trista Ross at http://www.sugarandspicesweets.blogspot.com/

The cookie favors (also made by Trista)

Diaper Cake made by Sandra

Isn't this the cutest? Ella was spoiled with all these clothes by her Aunt Es!

Ethan being silly...

Ethan wanted to help open all of Ella's gifts

The loot...

Thank you everyone for the beautiful shower and all the cute (and useful) gifts!!! It was so great to see some dear friends and it was such a special day.

We are in the final stretch...13 days to go (Ethan continues to remind us). Yesterday was kind of crazy. My day was filled with LOTS of contractions and I started to wonder if Miss Ella would make an early appearance. I swapped texts with my doctor, left work early, rushed home to finish packing my bag, ate lunch, then sat down and drank a glass of water. Then they stopped. As much as I am anxious for her to be here, I DO NOT want her to end up in the NICU, so it would be good if she could hang in there at least another week (or 2!). I'll be 36 weeks tomorrow and the plan is still to have the c-section on March 18th...but like I've said before, Ella may have other plans!

Today was the first Saturday in FOREVER that we had no plans at all. No birthday parties, no weddings, no baby showers, no church activities, NOTHING! And it was so nice! So I did what all mothers do at this stage in the game. NESTING! I gave David a list of chores and we are now relaxing after a long day of cleaning and preparing for Ella. We bought her car seat today, David put up the bassinet in our room and we set up the Pack n Play in the living room. They are all set up and waiting for her cute little self...

And her room has become my favorite room in the house...

13 MORE DAYS!!!

Countdown...15 days

2011-03-03T10:02:00.003-05:00

The Collinsworth family is counting down to Ella's arrival!!! Every morning Ethan tells me, "Mommy, baby Ella will be here in _____ days". March 18th. It's so close. Ethan is so completely excited he can hardly contain himself. It makes me even more hopeful and excited. Just two weeks from tomorrow (or you never know...maybe sooner?) Ella Jane will be here!

I have a lot of mixed emotions (obviously) about her arrival. I have not been back to that maternity ward at the hospital since we had to hand Noah over to someone and just walk away. I can't imagine all the emotions we will experience the day of her arrival, but I can tell you that right now, I mostly feel joy. I'm praying away all the doubt, fear and anxiety that is trying to creep in.

I am having a LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions every day, but my doctor checked me on Tuesday and I'm only dilated about 1cm. Ella has been getting a 10 out of 10 every week at my high risk appointments which is such a relief. Her heart rate is sometimes a little low (105-115), but then the next week it will be high (140-180). She has really good accelerations, so they aren't worried. They are keeping a very close eye on her though.

It's so strange to think back on how this pregnancy started off and to see how healthy and whole she is today. If you don't remember, you can read about the beginning HERE. Those first 10 weeks were so scary and we didn't know if this little one was going to survive. It fills my heart with joy every time the doctor says, "she's so healthy!"

As we make our final preparations for Ella's arrival, we are spending a lot of time with Ethan during his last days as an only child. We are remembering Noah and thanking God that through Noah's life and death, he has made a way for his sister to live. While I grow very tired of taking these injections every day, I'm so thankful for modern medicine that is preventing blood clots from forming and harming Ella.

Baby girl, we cannot wait for you to be in our arms. Do you know how much we love you already? Do you know how excited your big brother is to see you and play with you? Do you know that you have a big brother in Heaven? Do you know that you are already Daddy's little girl? We are already praying that you will come to know Jesus at an early age and that you will become a woman after God's own heart. We love you, sweet girl. 15 more days...

34 Weeks and the plan...

2011-02-21T09:37:00.004-05:00

After a lot of discussion with my doctors and most importantly, my hubby, we have decided that we will have a scheduled c-section on Friday, March 18th (when I'm 37 weeks, 5 days). I was still hoping for a VBAC, but there is a huge part of me that is terrified of that. If I went into labor on my own, there is the risk that I would not be off the blood thinners long enough (need to be off of them for 24 hours) to keep from bleeding out. And of course after already having 2 c-sections, there is the risk of uterine rupture. Ultimately I only care about one thing: GETTING ELLA HERE ALIVE AND HEALTHY. That's it. Nothing else really matters. There are risks no matter which way we go, but we have made the decision that we feel most comfortable with.

So she will be here in 3 weeks and 4 days. I am so extremely impatient for her to be here. Not just because I'm uncomfortable (and yes, I am), but because I just want to see her with my own eyes and know that she is ok. I'm ready for Ethan to show off his skills at being a big brother. :o) He asks me just about every day, "how many more days until Ella is here, Mommy?" In the beginning he would ask me if Ella was going to go to Heaven like Noah, but I think he has so much faith now that she will be coming home to grow up with him.

We are enjoying our last few weeks together with just Ethan. For 4 and 1/2 years now it's just been us. Bringing Ella home will be a big change for all of us...but a very exciting and welcome change!

32 Weeks...Looking forward to moments like these

2011-02-06T14:37:00.002-05:00

I'm 32 weeks pregnant today! Ella Jane is estimated to be around 3lbs, 11oz. It feels like a huge victory to be here at 32 weeks. I am so terribly impatient for Ella to be in my arms!!!

I spent some time this week going through old pictures of Ethan as a baby. It feels like yesterday sometimes, then other times it feels like it has been so long since he was such a tiny baby. I am looking forward to having a baby in the house again and watching Ethan be a big brother!

Looking forward to moments like these...

She's still here

2011-01-29T21:41:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning to Ella kicking away and I thought, "she's still here". Noah lived just 30 weeks and 5 days. Today Ella is 30 weeks, 6 days. Yesterday was a good day. I thought it would be difficult, but I was in good spirits.

On Tuesday I wasn't feeling Ella move. At 1:00 I felt a few kicks, but then nothing. At my doctor's appointment at 3:45 I told the nurse I was a bit nervous that something could be wrong because she usually is so active throughout the day. I told her that she may have just changed positions. They decided to do an ultrasound and sure enough, Ella had turned completely around and was breech again. Ethan had to come with me to my appointment and he was very excited to see Ella up on the screen. She was perfectly fine and started kicking and moving all around during the ultrasound. I'm sure I'm just a bit paranoid because of it being week 30.

On Wednesday some of our very best friends (Dewayne & Brandi) welcomed their 2nd child (a son) into the world. David and I drove straight to Augusta after work to meet Christopher Finn. He weighed just 5lbs, 14oz and when Dewayne placed him in my arms, I kind of lost it. I'm so thankful for a friend like Brandi who really gets it. I felt like a blubbering idiot as my tears dripped all over her beautiful newborn baby. But I just couldn't fight it. I haven't held a newborn so tiny since Noah (who was just 3lbs, 6oz.). A flood of memories came back. Brandi told me she thought of Noah during labor and throughout the day. Even though I missed Noah so much in that moment, I thanked God that sweet Finn had made it safely into this world (he was growth restricted and came a little early, so he gave everyone a bit of a scare).

I cried the whole way home. It was good for me I think. I had bottled up a lot of feelings the last few weeks and just really needed to let it all out. I miss Noah. I'm excited and hopeful about Ella. But I want them both.

Today we went to eat at Panera Bread and after I placed my order the cashier asked me a few questions about my pregnancy. I told her I was having a girl. She looked over at Ethan and then she looked at me and said, "Great! A boy and a girl! Now you are complete!" If she only knew how incomplete I feel. Having Ella will in no way make me feel complete. That will only happen when we get to Heaven. But I know I will feel so much joy when they place her in my arms. After meeting little Finn, I am so much more anxious for Ella's arrival.

Thank you all so much for the kind words, prayers, and encouragement this week. Tomorrow we reach a new milestone that we never reached with Noah....

Week 31.

30 Weeks and daring to hope

2011-01-23T22:58:00.003-05:00

It was just days after I posted my 30 week pregnancy pic in 2009 that Noah passed away. (You can view that post HERE). It's a very strange thing to now be at this point again. I feel peace. I really do. But I won't lie...I'm also scared to death. I know...it makes no sense. Every morning that I feel Ella move I think, "ok...she's alive today". This Friday I will be 30 weeks and 5 days....that's how far along I was when our world changed forever. We are daring to hope. We trust God no matter what. We thank Him for Noah, we know that he is in the presence of the Lord...and we thank Him for the life of Ella.

Please remember us in prayer this week as I'm sure you can imagine (especially those who have gone through this before) the emotions this week will bring.

We serve a BIG God!

2011-01-19T18:08:00.006-05:00

So a few weeks ago I posted on facebook that God was blowing our socks off! My hubby shared about this on his blog, so I thought I would share with all of you as well....sometimes it's best to just trust and not freak out!

Written by my hubby...

Blown away by God

Posted: January 8, 2011 by collinsworth in Uncategorized

This week has been a completely crazy one….

Monday- I took my floating Holiday off….great to have a day off because I work so many hours at the Hotel and with the church…let’s just say a day off of both is very refreshing… although i did have a meeting that night getting ready for Fx our new family worship experience, but that was alot of fun.

Tuesday- I made it to work around normal and that’s when my week changed….I walked in and Susan (a dear friend of mine) the general manager called me into the office. Now usually when this happens it’s because something crazy happened over the weekend and we are going to have to fix it, fire it, or handle it. This was different though, she looked at me almost burst into tears…she told me that she was sorry…Okay me too…what? Then she shared that the owner needed to let me go due to lack of work. I immediately told her that “God’s got me taken care of…” I had been praying for something to change in my job situation since I was very unhappy working there…for many reasons that I won’t go into. Although that’s not the way I would have had God answer the prayer. I would have had Him have a record company find some of my music, instantly offer crazy amount of money to share God’s love and offer a signing bonus that would pay off my house….but this was close…haha.

I went out to lunch with some awesome friends, then went to the people zoo that is the Department of labor. Unemployment filing is confusing to say the least. I waited to tell Lisa because I honestly wanted her to not worry all day. She came home and took the news very well. She had been praying the same thing for me which is a beautiful thing…she knew 50 to 60 hours there a week was sucking the life from me. We made the decision to Trust God and Wait on Him. Scared yes, trusting a big God yes. We called people and emailed and got people praying for us.

Wednesday- Now this is where it gets a little crazy. No applications, No resumes given out, no phone calls, or emails sent….I got 5 job offers. Now I was so thankful for each call of care for our family and friends… Some job offers were good, some were great and some were “it’s the thought that counts” kind of offers. God was increasing my faith…blowing our socks off…showing us so much Love and favor….craziness.

Thursday - Still praying about what God would want me to do….realizing that I will have alot more time to focus on Discover Point’s mission, more time to write music, to cultivate relationships, to achieve personal goals, to love on my family….blown away.

Friday - Spent some time really focusing in the Word…no rush out…What does God have in store?! Praying for the church, our family and decisions….Also loving the vision of our church. It’s God-sized…i have no idea how to do it….and that is exciting to me!

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So we are so excited! A layoff (with no severance...and with a baby on the way) can be a very scary thing, but we felt such peace and chose to trust God. David has accepted 2 job offers to work part-time from home!!! This means he will be able to keep Ella once she is born (after my 12 week maternity leave) so we won't have to put her in daycare. He will be getting paid a little bit more and he will have a LOT more free time to focus on his ministry at our church. We serve a BIG God and I'm so thankful for this huge answer to my prayers!!!

Future Pilates Instructor?

2011-01-18T22:42:00.002-05:00

29 Weeks and more of Ella's Room

2011-01-17T23:05:00.004-05:00

Things are still going beautifully. I am now 29 weeks and Ella is as healthy as ever. I feel pretty good during the day, but I am not sleeping well at all at night. MAJOR INSOMNIA! Please be praying for me about this!!!

I worked on Ella's room some more tonight. David and I found a small pink dresser for her room for a very reasonable price at an antique store. We actually saw it several months ago but wanted to be sure it was the best deal we could find. It was $75...I offered the lady $50...she accepted $59. I think it was a great deal! So here is Ella's room (almost complete!...just a few more things to hang up on the walls).

I found these little birdhouses at Hobby Lobby and decided to spice them up using the same idea as the blocks that Marisa showed us how to make HERE.

Ella's Room and Snow Day

2011-01-10T20:55:00.007-05:00

It took a while because I had to take a lot of breaks, but I finished painting Ella's room! Yes....I did the painting. I was VERY careful. David just didn't have time to really help me and honestly, when I get something in my head that I want done...I just do it.

I'm not done putting up her things on the walls, but here is what it looks like so far.

I'll post more pics as it gets closer to completion.

Last night it started snowing and it snowed all night long. Some of you northerners may laugh at us, but when it snows here, everything shuts down. We don't get snow very often in Georgia, so when we do, the roads are very dangerous (no salt trucks around here). So it's great to work for the school system!!! I had today off and we are off again tomorrow because the roads are covered in ice. We live on a huge hill so everyone likes to come to our house for sledding/tubing.
Our friends Dewayne and Brandi were at our house for the weekend and got snowed in with us. We had a great time!

We had a great time together as a family today and I can't wait for another great day together tomorrow!

26 Weeks - 3D Ultrasound

2010-12-28T21:49:00.003-05:00

Today I had a doctor's appointment which included the Glucose Tolerance Test and an ultrasound. David met me at the doctor's office, I drank the not-so-great-tasting orange drink and we waited. My friend's mom was our ultrasound tech today. As soon as she put the little wand on my belly, Ella had her hands over her face as she always does. She was squirming all around. I was so surprised when she switched it over to 3D! This was unexpected (I knew they had the capability, but didn't know she was going to use it today). She took several measurements and checked all of Ella's organs. Everything seemed to be great. She started showing us all of her different parts (and once again confirmed that she is definitely a girl). Then David asked if she could get a good view of the umbilical cord. We got a very clear picture of it and then David asked if she could show us the blood flow in the cord. As soon as she switched it over and said the blood flow looked great, I kind of lost it. So many emotions went through me all at once. I am so happy that Ella is healthy and whole and it seems that she is going to be just fine, but I miss Noah so much and to be honest, I get so angry sometimes just thinking that if they had only checked the blood flow in Noah's cord...

I know...I can't play the "what if" game. It doesn't help anything.

I apologized to the ultrasound tech (my friend's mother) for my sudden emotional collapse, but she understood. After all, her son and daughter-in-law lost their daughter shortly after we lost Noah. They just recently had a healthy baby boy. She's seen the emotions of a mother who has lost her child. I was thankful in that moment that she was our tech.

Here are a few 3D pictures of our beautiful Ella Jane...

Her feet...

I will try to get a belly pic posted soon. Please keep us in your prayers over the next several weeks. Everything seems fine with Ella and I believe with all my heart that she is going to be born healthy and alive, but there is always this fear that lingers that I just can't seem to push away completely. With each passing day I love Ella even more and I miss Noah even more. I keep thinking about the weeks prior to losing him. In some ways I'm terrified of returning to that same hospital wing where we kissed our son goodbye and left empty-handed. I am pleading with God to let me keep Ella. To let me leave that hospital with her in my arms.

I'm 26 weeks...just 5 weeks away from when we lost Noah. Maybe some of the anxiety will taper off once I get past week 31.

24 Weeks and praying for a miracle

2010-12-13T13:33:00.004-05:00

***Because of the title of this blog post, let me just start out by saying Ella is just fine!

Ella decided to scare her mommy and daddy this morning. Every single morning for the last 6 weeks I have felt Ella moving and kicking. She is usually very active in the mornings. But not this morning. I got up at 7:00 and started getting ready for work...no movement. I got Ethan ready and I took him to school at 8:15...still no movement. I stopped by a McDonald's and got a Dr. Pepper hoping to get some movement out of her. By 10:00 I had tears in my eyes. The nightmare of the day we lost Noah was flashing through my mind. I called David and he was ready to go to the house and get the doppler...then she started kicking....and kicking...and kicking. Yep, this girl is gonna be trouble! At least that will teach me to keep the doppler with me at all times. Anyway, Ella is just fine and has been moving a LOT since about 10:30. My heart still hasn't slowed down though! She had me terrified!

Other than this morning's incident, everything has been great. I'm feeling great (other than a sinus infection that lasted for a while). I'm definitely more anxious as the weeks go by. I know I need to enjoy every moment of the pregnancy, but I will feel so much better once she is in my arms, alive and well. I'm just still so terrified something will happen to her in my womb. I just try to remember that the Lovenox is doing what it's supposed to and Ella is safe.

I'm struggling right now with the fact that I will only have 12 weeks with her before I have to return to work. I stayed home with Ethan until he was a year old, but that is just not possible for us (financially) right now. If only David had benefits with his job....(sigh). I've been very stressed out about the thought of handing my 3 month old over to a daycare worker. I keep thinking about all the things I will miss out on...all the things I got to share with Ethan that I won't be able to share with Ella. It's hard. It's very hard. I'm praying for a miracle (maybe a great new job to land in David's lap???). I know God can make it happen if that's His will for us.

Will you pray for a miracle with me?

Beautiful Girl

2010-11-28T22:34:00.002-05:00

Sweet girl,

Your mommy, daddy, and big brother can't wait to meet you. Keep growing strong. We love you! You are so very beautiful!

Belly Pic at 21 Weeks, 4 days

2010-11-25T22:18:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

21 Weeks

2010-11-22T08:41:00.009-05:00

"Wow, your pregnancy is flying by!".....that is so easy for YOU to say! Haha. Things are starting to speed up a little, but so far this pregnancy has felt SO STINKIN' LONG! Don't get me wrong, I feel great! Nothing to complain about. It's just that every time I feel Ella move, I desperately just want her here, safe in my arms. It's hard to believe that I'm just 10 weeks away from when I lost Noah. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. The next milestone I'm really wanting to hurry up and get to is the week of viability...24 weeks. Right now Ella couldn't survive outside the womb (even with medical help). While I do not want her to be born anywhere close to 24 weeks, it will still be comforting to get there.

Ok, so I guess I have some catching up to do....

First, there was Halloween...

My pumpkin patch

Ethan & Hayden

Hannah & Sarah

Brady, Ethan, & Connor

The whole gang

And there was a trip to the Georgia Aquarium with Grandaddy, Tar-Tar, Aunt Erica, Uncle Grant, and cousins Natalie and Julianna.....

And then an early Thanksgiving/Christmas get-together with my extended family on my Dad's side...

Ethan playing "War" with his Great Papaw!

The McInnis Family

The grandkids (and great grandkid) and spouses

My grandad and his 4 children...

And here are my parents. Yep, that's my mom...102 pounds lighter!!!!

We've had a busy few weeks and I haven't taken the time to take another belly shot, but I promise I will do that this week along with an update after my high risk appointment tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

19 Weeks and Kickin'

2010-11-09T18:46:00.004-05:00

Noah's crib...

It was time. Time to take Noah's things down and prepare to put Ella's things up. And we are already in that transition stage of calling "Noah's room" now "Ella's room". My mom purchased the crib set for Ella and brought it to me on Thursday night. Before mom arrived I took all of Noah's things down and then it all hit me again. The finality of it all. Like I've said before, it's a strange thing to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. I thought I would be excited about the newness of putting up pink girly things, but I sat in Noah's room listening to his little mobile that I played hundreds of times while I was pregnant with him and I just sobbed. I selfishly kept telling God, "I want them both". I cried hardest when I pulled Noah's crib sheet off his crib. So many times over the last year I had rested my hand on that sheet right where Noah should have been sleeping. They are just things, but taking down his things felt so wrong and I fell apart for the first time since I've been pregnant. When my mom arrived I got it over with quickly. I put Ella's crib set on the crib right away. But then we realized the crib sheet that was supposed to come with the set was missing. What a bummer. Then I thought about Noah's sheet and wondered if it would match Ella's crib set. I pulled the sheet out and put it back on the mattress and to our amazement, it looked like it belonged with the set. It's white with little green polka dots which perfectly match the green polka dots on Ella's quilt. I know it may seem like a silly thing to some, but to me it was God-ordained.

And before you ask...yes, I will eventually post pics of Ella's room, but not until it is all done and painted.

Week 19 and David felt Ella move for the first time tonight! He felt one swift kick and was really excited about it. They are no longer just movements, they are actual kicks! I've been feeling her move so much I haven't needed to check her heartbeat at night. I know she is doing just fine!

My emotions are definitely starting to get the best of me. I know hormones play a big role in it. I am still able to find so much joy and excitement even through the days that I miss Noah so much. This may sound strange, but I feel like maybe Ella's birth will give the loss of Noah some sort of redemption. Like he saved her life in a way since in losing him we learned of the Factor V Leiden and the necessity of the Lovenox injections. I want Ella to be born healthy not just for us, but for Noah. Maybe some of you know what I mean.

I know I'm a little late in posting pics from Halloween, but I'll get those in on the next post. Goodnight everyone!

18 Weeks

2010-11-03T19:03:00.003-04:00

Ella and I are still doing very well. I'm now 18 weeks and so glad to be almost halfway there! My belly is really starting to grow, but I still haven't had anyone ask me if I'm pregnant.

Ella is moving a lot more. It's comforting. I really have found a lot of joy in this pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't expect to. I thought I would only be filled with fear and anxiety. There are still difficult moments. It's an odd thing to be filled with joy while still walking through grief. Sometimes the joy numbs the grief, but it's still there. I find myself daydreaming a lot about a life with 2 sons and a daughter. It's a strange thing to think about Ella being here...a newborn. Noah would be almost 16 months old now, but it's as if he's frozen in time as an infant. I only have pictures of him as a tiny 3lb, 6oz baby. I stare at the pencil portrait of our family above our t.v. as I type this....Noah, a tiny baby in my arms. But then Ella will be the baby in my arms. She won't replace Noah...he cannot be replaced. It's really hard to express in words what I'm trying to say...but I just wish all of my children could be here. And I don't want other people to forget Noah either. Being pregnant doesn't make it all better. I definitely feel very blessed and I'm thankful for the newness God has brought us by giving us a daughter.

I have recently started to worry a little about the next few ultrasounds over the next 8 weeks as they will take a closer look at Ella's organs. I know that so many of you who have lost babies found out around the 20-week mark that your baby would not live. I have been so excited over these past few weeks about how well Ella is doing, that I fear bad news could be looming. I'm sure these are normal feelings and I hope I really have nothing to fear. The high risk doc even told me at my last appointment that as of right now, this is like a completely normal pregnancy. I hope it stays that way.

While I still grieve the life that should have been, my brother and sister-in-law are grieving for the life they feel like should have been for them as well. For so many, this thing of having children comes so easy...sometimes even by accident. But it's not always so simple. Please pray for my sister-in-law as she is having surgery on Friday...another step in preparing her body to possibly carry a child. They need a big dose of HOPE...so please pray! They are trusting in God's plan for their lives.

16 Weeks and a Getaway

2010-10-21T22:46:00.008-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. Things are going well. Nothing to report (which is always a good thing!). I go back to the high risk doctor next Tuesday and then to my regular OB on the 1st. We check Ella's heartbeat daily and it is such a beautiful sound! I'm 16 weeks along (17 on Sunday).

If you think about it, will you please pray for my brother and sis-in-law as they go back to the fertility specialist on Monday? They found a few cysts on Esther's ovaries last time she was there and we are praying they will be completely gone!

This past weekend was a great get-away for us. My friends, Lori and Jeff were going to Pigeon Forge for the weekend. Jeff's parents have a time share there and they had to cancel, so they were letting Jeff and Lori use it. My other friend April and her husband, Dan were free for the weekend and so were we (which is rare for us since David always has to lead worship on Sundays...but Brien was leading this week!), so Lori invited us to stay at the time share with them. It was a nice 3 bedroom condo, so it was perfect. April, Lori, and I went to middle school and highschool together...we've been friends for nearly 18 years! (Wow that makes me feel old!). I've never gone on a trip with them so it was nice to just hang out and get to talk with them. They have really been great support for me since we lost Noah and it was nice to be able to share with them the joy of being pregnant with Ella. They are such genuine people and I love them dearly. It was also nice to get to spend some time with their kiddos.

Here are a few pics from the weekend....

Sadly, I didn't get a pic of David, Ethan, and me together. Bummer.

Anyway, it was a great time with friends and a good inexpensive trip for us. I really wish we weren't so spread out (Lori lives in Greenville, SC, April lives in Nashville and of course we live in east Atlanta), but I'm glad we have remained good friends through the years.

6 Years Ago Today

2010-10-14T09:43:00.007-04:00

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Remembrance Day

It was 6 years ago today that our journey with pregnancy loss began. You can read about that day HERE. At the time we had no idea that we would face more loss in the future.

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please remember those who have lost, whether it was recently or a long time ago. As my grandmother would tell you, even if the loss was over 50 years ago, it can still be so difficult....you never forget.

It's A Girl! ...What's in a Name?

2010-10-08T21:26:00.006-04:00

Today I went to get my hair cut and I was telling my friend who cuts my hair that we were pretty sure our baby was a girl but didn't have a really good look yet. She has a friend who is an ultrasound tech (the same one who did Noah's gender scan for us), so she called her up and asked her if she would have time to do an ultrasound to confirm our baby's gender today. She said she would be happy to, so I stopped by her work around 3:00. It took a few minutes, but we finally confirmed IT'S A GIRL! She was moving all over the place, but she had her little legs tightly closed. Finally after several minutes of me rolling from one side to the other, we were able to see and she is definitely a girl...

Here she is sucking her thumb (just like her big brother!)

And here she is already showing her support for the "#1" football team in the country (Alabama Crimson Tide!!!). She's holding up a "#1".

What's In A Name?

As for baby girl's name.....we have chosen Ella Jane. "Ella" is a form of the name "Helen" which was both mine and David's grandmother's name. I absolutely love the meaning of the name because it is so appropriate for how we feel about her ...especially after losing Noah and all that we've been through in the last year. It means "torch or bright light" or "a torch in the dark places". The name "Jane" is the name my other grandmother goes by (her real name is "Mary Jeanette" but she has always gone by "Jane"). This name means "God is gracious". We feel like this is the perfect name for our sweet miracle baby!

David and I are so excited and can't wait to meet Ella Jane. We are so in love with her already!

A friend of mine is working on editing the video of the ultrasound I had today. I'll try to get it posted soon!

14 Weeks

2010-10-06T10:52:00.007-04:00

10 Week Belly Pic

14 Week Belly Pic

Feels great to be coming out of the 1st Trimester. Our first milestone. I'm feeling baby move daily now. Not really kicks, just feels like baby is rolling around. We went to the high risk doc on Thursday and had an ultrasound. The tech couldn't confirm, but we are about 75% sure it is a girl. We saw 3 little white lines and no little boy parts were anywhere to be found....but we won't know for sure until my next appointment on the 26th. If we confirm that it is a girl at that time, I'll let you know the name we have chosen. We are so excited to have another child and it really is a blessing no matter if it is a boy or a girl.

I feel so different this pregnancy. Even though this is the third time I've made it this far, in some ways I feel like it's the first time I've been pregnant. I am so much more aware of every little thing. I think I just didn't really soak in every moment with my pregnancy with Noah and now I wish I had. So I'm not taking anything for granted. I told myself after I lost Noah that I would never complain of a pregnancy symptom again. That's a lot easier to say when you aren't pregnant! The nausea has been torcher. I think I am pretty well past the worst of that now. The injections aren't so bad most of the time, but sometimes they hurt really bad. Last night was a bad one and I had a bit of a break down. Sometimes I just get mad that I have to take them, but also mad that Noah could have been saved by them. Anyway, it's really not as bad as I thought it would be...taking an injection every night. It's more of an aggravation than anything.

Every day I am realizing how very blessed we are. It was a terrible tragedy we went through last year and we still grieve, but I know we should never take for granted the fact that we were able to get pregnant again as soon as we tried and that this baby is doing so well. And Ethan is such a miracle. We realize that now more than ever. I hurt so much for others who have never been able to conceive or who haven't conceived again since losing a child. My heart is broken for my brother and sister-in-law and all that they are going through. They are so gracious about it all. How very hard I know it is for them to have watched both of their sisters be pregnant while they plead with God every night to give them a child. I don't know or understand God's plan for them, but I have so much hope. I know they will make wonderful parents. They love their nephews so much. They loved Noah like their own. I can't even fathom the hurt they have experienced over the last several months and the realization that they cannot have a child without medical intervention or through adoption. They both have so much faith though and know that God hasn't forgotten them.

Ethan is at my mom's house for the week while he is on Fall Break. I miss him SO MUCH already!!! I know he is having a great time and will make some great memories...but I'm selfish and want him here with me all the time! :o)

I'm praying for so many of you who are pregnant with your rainbow babies or who have just recently had your rainbow babies. I know that when we have this baby we will be overcome with emotions we have never experienced before. That day can't come soon enough! And if you read Angela's blog you will notice that she and I are due the same day! April 3rd! :o) How fun!

Sometimes...

2010-10-01T10:14:00.001-04:00

...it just feels like a dream. I miss you so much sweet boy.

What This Pregnancy Looks Like

2010-09-28T19:57:00.007-04:00

When we lost Noah over a year ago, I immediately just wanted to be pregnant again. It is (obviously) devastating to carry a child for 31 weeks only to lose them. When I got home from the hospital I felt one thing. Empty. So very empty. I just wanted to fill that void of emptiness. Thankfully I have a husband who knows me well enough to know what I can and cannot handle. I never imagined we would wait over a year to start trying to have another child. I went through a few months of not knowing if I could really even handle being pregnant again. To know that it wouldn't be Noah...that was so tough. Would I be able to love another child and not be thinking, "I wish you were Noah"? It was all very scary. That is why we chose to wait. David and I both needed time to heal. We needed time to grieve our loss of Noah. We know that many who have lost a child chose to get pregnant right away and I think there is no right or wrong when it comes to timing. I think each family knows what is best for them. For us, we needed the time to heal.

Before we tried to get pregnant we wanted to know what to expect with another pregnancy. We needed to understand exactly why Noah died and how to help prevent it from happening again. I have a blood disorder called Factor V Leiden (the "V" is a "5"). Noah died because blood clots formed around the placenta eventually slowing down the passage of blood and oxygen to him (which caused my blood pressure to rise). And Noah died because God had His reasons...many of which I do not understand...and some that I do now. We were told that I would need to be on blood thinners if I got pregnant again and they also told me I probably need to be on baby aspirin for the rest of my life.

So Lovenox is a blood thinner injection that I take every single night in my stomach right before I go to bed. And no...I don't like needles. It took me 45 minutes to get up the nerve to give myself that very first injection. But when you picture your child safe in your arms...you'll do whatever it takes. And really....it's not so bad. It is so frustrating to know that something as simple as a daily injection could have saved Noah's life. The day they trained me on how to do these injections I broke down. I couldn't believe it could have been so simple had we only known. I will have to take an injection every day of the pregnancy and for 6 weeks after delivery.

This pregnancy has not been without it's share of drama. Thirty minutes after I took a pregnancy test on July 24th, I started bleeding. We never got our hopes up. We assumed it was a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage, but went to the doctor for blood work anyway. On July 27th they took my HCG levels and the next day, we were told they were 55. They asked me to come back on the 29th to test again. We were shocked on that Friday (when I was still bleeding heavily with cramping) that my levels had gone up to 175! It wasn't a feeling of joy or hope at that point. It was total fear. I thought for sure it was an ectopic pregnancy. They did an ultrasound and we saw nothing on ultrasound. Nothing. I continued to bleed. On August 5th I was still bleeding and I went in for a 3rd check of my HCG levels. They were 1905. They were going up appropriately. More fear. It had to be ectopic. Finally on August 10th we went in for another ultrasound. By then I was 6 weeks along and we were hoping to see something. To our absolute shock and amazement, the baby was there....in the uterus...with a beating heart. WHAT?!? I had heard of women spotting while pregnant, but to bleed heavily for 16 days straight with cramping and there still be a healthy baby in the uterus???? We couldn't believe it. David and I stood in the room together and just hugged and cried. God had already done a miracle.

I finally stopped bleeding and things started to become normal. I started going to both my regular OB and to the high risk doctor regularly for visits. Then on August 29th David and I were at church getting ready for Sunday morning. I was in the sound booth at 7:30 while the band practiced. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain. Then another. I excused myself and went to the restroom and was totally derailed when I found that I was pouring blood. POURING. I ran and got David and we went to the ER. We were so devastated. We couldn't believe I had made it to 9 weeks and after everything God was going to allow this to happen. I told our friends as we left the church that I was miscarrying and to please pray. I don't think my friends accepted that. I don't think they prayed what I meant for them to pray which was for peace for us to accept what was happening. They were praying for the baby to live.

At the hospital I got signed in and as I wrote the date "8-29" I remembered that this was the day 6 years ago that we found out we were pregnant with our twins and 5 years ago to the day was when we found out we were pregnant with Ethan. "Not this day, God...please...not this day". We waited 30 minutes before they took us back. They hooked me up to an IV and took 6 tubes of blood. After 2 hours of sobbing they finally took me back for an ultrasound, but wouldn't let David come with me. The ultrasound tech was so very sweet. She told me she couldn't tell me anything, but would do the ultrasound quickly and then the doctor would tell me the results. But as soon as she put the wand on my tummy, she turned the screen to me and there it was...that little beating heart. The baby was fine. I had (and still have) a subchorionic hemorrhage. It increases the risk of miscarriage, pre-term labor and stillbirth. Wonderful. That's just great.

I only bled that one day. As the weeks have passed and we've had more ultrasounds, the doctors believe the hemorrhage is going away and will have no effect on the baby whatsoever. That is very comforting! I am now 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant with this little one and David and I are so in love with this baby already. We have truly come to understand what a miracle this child is.

So what does this pregnancy look like? Well, it's a lot different from the other 5 pregnancies. We know what we're up against (the Factor V). We are filled with joy while we still grieve. I have had extreme morning (ahem...all day) sickness this time around and I have to take injections every night. I fear every appointment will bring the news that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. But more than in any other pregnancy...I trust God. I know he is in control. I know there is freedom in surrendering it all to him. It's difficult...I won't lie. But I know it is in His hands and I trust Him....no matter what he chooses to do with this little life. I'm trying to learn to pray that God will do whatever will bring Him the most glory (and that is not an easy thing for me to pray and really mean it!)

For our extra peace of mind we purchased this fetal heart doppler. It will definitely keep the worry to a minimum. I have already blown up my doc's cell phone with texts and calls through this pregnancy! Trying to learn to stay calm!

It has helped me so much to see so many of you fellow bloggers have your rainbow babies...safe and healthy. I know that the emotions I am going through now are normal and are to be expected. I'm still very sensitive about certain things. I don't want people to mistake this as my "second child" and that Ethan will "finally be a big brother". Noah was our second and Ethan is already a big brother. I guess I just don't want Noah to be forgotten and I don't want people to think that this baby will make everything all better. Having all 3 here would make it all better. Well...Jesus returning and taking us all to Heaven would really make it ALL better! :0)

Anyway, thank you everyone for all the prayers and support that you have already given us and I know you will continue to give us. We know we are so very blessed to be able to carry another child as we know so many are still praying and waiting to carry their own. Please continue to keep my brother and sister-in-law in your prayers as well.

Another Miracle

2010-09-26T21:53:00.003-04:00

We are excited and scared and filled with joy and trying to push aside fear....we are pregnant with our 3rd little miracle.

I will fill you all in on the details soon.

I will tell you that I have a lot of anxiety with each doctor's visit (which is ever other week between my regular OB and the high risk doctor). Every time they do an ultrasound, I am just anxious to see the heartbeat. At my last appointment it looked as though the baby looked right at me (unfortunately David couldn't be there) and the baby started waving frantically as if to say, "See Mommy! I'm here! I'm ok!"

Keep praying

2010-09-20T17:51:00.002-04:00

So many of you have been praying for my brother and sister-in-law and their struggle with infertility and I thank you so much for keeping them in your thoughts. They have had some difficult news to deal with this week so I would ask that you continue to pray for them. If you haven't read Esther's latest blog post, you can read it here:

http://esandj.blogspot.com/2010/09/more-waiting.html

We are hopeful for the future and know that they are seeking God's will for their lives.

Great resources

2010-09-17T16:04:00.003-04:00

Going on the same thought from my last post...I hope that any of you who are directed to my blog won't just stick around here. There are many women on my blog list that have been through the grief that you may be experiencing. Most all of these are Christian women who will also be a great source of encouragement to you!

Kimberly wrote a great post today with links to several women's blogs and other sites that can help someone going through this grief journey. I hope you will take the time to look through some of the blogs she posted.

http://henningerfamily.blogspot.com/2010/09/lost.html

For Those Who Now Walk This Road of Grief

2010-09-15T18:36:00.004-04:00

I receive emails sometimes on a weekly basis from one friend or another telling me about how they have a friend or family member who has just lost their baby or just found out that they will most likely lose their baby. Just this week I've been told of 2 who lost their babies at full term and one couple who after trying for years to become pregnant now has a surrogate who is 36 weeks pregnant with their child and they found out today the baby has Trisomy 18 and most likely will not survive. The father of this child is at sea and will find out tomorrow about this devastating news. Friends ask if they can point these ladies to my blog or give them my email address to which of course I always say, "yes! absolutely!" I feel like that is a responsibility I carry since losing Noah...to help other women climb through this grief and up toward a Savior who is waiting to carry them in His arms. Finding so many of you bloggers who have lost children on here is one of the things that helped me through some of my darkest days. To know that others have actually been there and really understand...I hate it that you do, but I'm glad you have shared with me. I hope to be that same source of encouragement to women (and men) who walk this road behind me.

When you've been where we've been it suddenly opens your eyes to the grief all around you. I never understood the fragility of life the way I do now. It seems every day I am hearing about someone losing a child - through facebook, through friends, or on the news. And I've learned that just because you've been through one tragedy, it doesn't make you immune to another. That's a terrifying thought for me, but the good news is that I survived it once through God's grace and while I pray I never have to face tragedy again, I know I could survive it with Him (God, I'm not asking you to test this!!!).

If you have recently been directed here to my blog, I always encourage those going through loss to go back to last July when my loss was still new. I hope you will find an honest expression of my hurt, but also a true faith and hope in Jesus Christ...there is no greater healer.

It's been 1 year, 2 months, 1 week and 1 day since Noah left us. Last Thursday was the 1 year anniversary of his expected due date. Not a day goes by without my thoughts turning to Noah. Every song, every pregnant woman, every tiny baby boy, every family of 4 with 2 young boys reminds me of him. I still wear the necklace I had made with Noah's name, birthday, weight and length on it every single day. When you get to where I am, it does get easier. There are still difficult days, difficult moments....but I am reminded more and more that this life is but a breath and eternity is forever. It's temporarily painful, but in the end I get to be with Noah and with my Savior FOREVER. How crazy is that?!? FOREVER!!!!! :o) That knowledge brings me so much joy! I cannot imagine living without that hope!

If you are new in this journey and just need to pour your heart out to someone who may understand a little something about grief, please don't hesitate to email me at Lisacollinsworth@hotmail.com. It's a lot easier to get through the dark days along with others instead of trying to do it alone. You can be sure that my husband and I will pray for you!

Radical

2010-09-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

Angie Smith wrote on her blog recently about this book, "Radical" by David Platt. My accountability partner and I were trying to think of a book for us to read together and decided on this book (and don't worry...we read the Bible too!). We also invited a third person to join us in reading and discussing the book. If you haven't read it, I challenge you to get this book!!! I've only read chapter one so far and already my mind is racing! I believe God may ask me to do some big (and difficult) things over these next few months and I hope I won't fail to do them! Here is a short video with a little more about this book.

Old Ethan Videos

2010-09-07T18:49:00.002-04:00

I have tried and tried to figure out a way to save my old videos from xanga to my computer, but have given up. This post is more for me, but you are welcome to browse through the videos and enjoy! These are old videos of Ethan from when he was a baby. In no particular order....

Ethan saying hello to his "Mamaw" and "Papaw" when he was 21 months old. (Video shot on 2/23/08)

Ethan playing "Peek-a-boo" when he was 22 months old. (Video shot on 3/24/08)

Ethan playing with his basketball goal he got from Uncle Jason and Aunt Es for his first birthday. Ethan is 1 year old in this video. (Video shot 6/3/07)

Ethan's first steps (well, first time really walking a good distance on his own). He was 10 months old (Video shot on 3/19/07)

Here is Ethan when he was 2 years and 2 months old. He was learning words on flash cards. My smart boy!!! (Video shot on 7/2/08)

Here is a video of Ethan when he was just under 6 months old. I used to babysit my friend's little boy (Micah) who loved to make Ethan laugh! (Video shot 10/27/06)

Video of Ethan cheering on his team when he was 2 and 1/2 years old. (Video shot on 11/29/08)

Video of Ethan singing "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin when he was 2 and 1/2 years old. (Video shot 1/25/09)

Video of Ethan singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" with Daddy when he was almost 2 years old. (Video shot 2/19/08)

The Big 3-0!!!

2010-08-31T15:45:00.006-04:00

It's official. I'm 30. I hit the big 3-0 on Friday. I can't believe it, but it's true. Friday some of my family and friends threw me a surprise get-together at Dave & Buster's. We had a great time and I was surprised to see my parents in town. I thanked everyone for the great evening. Little did I know that this was just the "decoy surprise party". The next day our friends, Dewayne and Brandi said they wanted to take me to lunch for my birthday. Saturday evening we had a special dinner planned for the volunteers at our church, so David said before we could go to lunch we need to pick up some stuff that we needed for the dinner from one of our church member's homes. When we got there, Brandi had to use the restroom so we walked around to the back of our friend's house and then..."SURPRISE!" Party #2...the "real party". It was a Luau-themed party and as soon as I saw everyone I scanned the crowd for a friend of mine who I had really been missing...my dear friend, Katie. And she was there! I couldn't believe it and it brought tears to my eyes. She lives close to the Georgia-Florida line and I just haven't seen her in a really long time. A lot of our family was there from out of town and several friends from church. We had a great time and they really went all out with 2 big Honey-baked hams and all kinds of great foods. My friend Trista from Sugar & Spice Sweets made the cake of course!

It was delicious!!! My favorite...chocolate-chocolate chip!
Didn't Trista do an amazing job???

Thank you to my sweet hubby, my big brother, Jason and my sis-in-law, Esther for all of your hard work in putting this together for me!!! Thanks also to my parents, Brien & Hannah, Burt & Joy, Trista, and everyone else who helped out with this!!! I had a great 30th birthday!!!

In other news, please be praying for my brother and my sis-in-law. They got some difficult news yesterday regarding their journey to become parents. You can read Esther's blog about it HERE.

One Big Mess

2010-08-19T19:51:00.003-04:00

I thought about taking a picture of just one room in my house to post on here to show you all why I haven't posted much lately, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My house is a disaster. No really....it is. I used to be one of those people that other people hated because my house was always in perfect order....spotless. I have been called "OCD" more than once. But right now if a person with really messy tendencies came to my house, they would be appalled! It's really been in a state of disaster for a few months now and I just can't seem to catch up. It is really starting to stress me out. I come home from work and I do laundry (lots of laundry), I clean the dishes (but those are really things that have to be done daily), cook dinner and then I just simply can't ignore my 4-year old who needs time with his Mommy to play Legos or Thomas the Train or read a story. Before I know it, it's time for him to take a bath, put on his pj's, brush his teeth, read a story, tuck him in bed, give three kisses and say goodnight. And of course David needs my attention after he has worked a long day. Then I'm just exhausted and it's time for me to go to bed and do it all over again tomorrow. Let's not even talk about how long it has been since my bathrooms have been cleaned. Ugh.

Can I get an AMEN?

I'm not jealous at all of you stay-at-home moms....nope, not one little bit.

Ok....maybe just a little....or a lot. Ok, I'm totally jealous.

I'm really thinking about taking off an entire week of work. Not for fun, not for vacation, but just to get our house and our lives in order. It's all making me feel like a bad wife, a bad mom, and a REALLY bad housekeeper.

Ok, so I've spent enough time on here talking about my messy house....time for some more cleaning!

Another Goodbye

2010-08-18T10:25:00.004-04:00

Will you please take some time today to pray for this family? http://declansjourney.com/ After 5 months of this sweet baby battling cancer, Declan has gone to be with the Lord. His first birthday (and his twin brother's) is next Thursday. Please pray for comfort for this family. I hope that they will remember that this life will be over so soon and we will be with our Father in Heaven and with our children FOREVER.

Ethan starts Pre-K

2010-08-07T22:18:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it! I officially have a child in school! It's so crazy how fast my sweet boy is growing up. Ethan is going to Pre-K at the same school where he has been in daycare since he was a year old. He LOVES his new teachers and is very excited about getting to play on the "bigger" playground!

Ethan's 1st day of Pre-K (this past Thursday)

They aren't allowed to have backpacks in Pre-K (I didn't know this until the orientation the night before), but he got to carry his supplies in to school the first day with his Mario backpack.

On Friday we both got a haircut!
I was thinking of becoming a brunette, but the professional talked me out of it! :o) I'm glad she did because then I might not look as much like Ethan's Mommy!

Ethan's new hairdo makes him look so much older. My little boy is growing up!
Looking more and more like his Daddy every day...

You Are For Me

2010-07-31T22:51:00.002-04:00

This song has become very dear to my heart. God has been teaching me a lot recently about fully trusting him and letting go of all that I'm desperately clinging to. I'm learning that I can't control everything and that worrying doesn't help any situation (that is really hard for this mother to accept who has had her worst fear realized...but I'm trying).

I know that God has a great plan for my life and that everything He has brought me through and is bringing me through will only serve to bring Him glory if I will allow it and not be overcome with bitterness. He is for me, not against me. He will not forsake me in my weakness.

It's not the heat...

2010-07-27T12:48:00.002-04:00

Every summer in Georgia it's the same thing....HOT. I don't know why everyone thinks that's going to change, yet year after year you hear people say, "this is the hottest summer I can remember!" Followed by, "it's not the heat it's the humidity!!!"

Welcome to Georgia.

I'm ok with the heat. Last year I was pregnant and swollen with high blood pressure and I was NOT ok with the heat. This year it really doesn't bother me. I remember thinking the winter would NEVER end. Now that it finally got warm I'm in no rush for it to leave again. However, I am not so happy with my electric bill going from $125 last month to $336 this month. That was really depressing since I only budgeted $200 for electricity. We've been using all kinds of energy-saving methods lately, but it didn't seem to help this month. Big bummer.

Moving on...

I really wish we could go on vacation. I know, I know...we just went to D.C. in April, but honestly, that was not a great vacation for Ethan. Walking around through museums all day is - believe it or not - NOT the trip of a lifetime for a 4 year old. I really would LOVE to take a trip to Disney this fall now that Ethan is old enough to really appreciate it, but the price of tickets is so ridiculous! Hotels are no problem for us. We get great discounts since David is a manager at a Hampton Inn. We can stay at any Hilton property for very cheap! I would really love to just take a little weekend trip down to the beach. During the summer if you look on your home page of facebook, you will see a ton of your friends talking about their beach vacations and posting pics of the beautiful ocean. I'm just jealous of friends like mine who are in....Hawaii!!!!!!! Um...I wanna go! Just sayin'.

For now I'll just enjoy beautiful, hot, humid Georgia and try to sell my right arm so I can go on vacation.

Infertility

2010-07-24T22:40:00.007-04:00

I have come to really hate this word, infertility. I have never experienced infertility personally, but over the past 5 years I have come to know so many women who have struggled with it, many who have overcome it, and some who have realized that having a biological child is just not God's plan for their lives. How do you give hope to a person struggling with infertility? There's really no words that bring comfort. My heart breaks when these women try month after month after month...then year after year...and still they have no child. Some may finally have one child, but then go through secondary infertility. But then there are single teenage girls out there who have unprotected sex one time and have a child they cannot afford to raise on their own. It's so difficult to understand God's ways. I've met moms that finally became pregnant after years of trying only to lose the child by miscarriage or stillbirth. A dear friend of mine is having to come to terms with the fact that she will probably never have a child. It's gut-wrenching. I'm embarrassed to say that I have been one of those who has tried to bring comfort and encouragement to those struggling with infertility with "there's always next month" or "you could adopt". That's easy for someone with a child to say. I've heard many say, "just quit trying so hard and thinking about it so much...that's when you'll get pregnant" or "as soon as you adopt a child, you'll get pregnant" (as if this is a good reason to adopt a child). I can tell you that these are definitely not helpful words!!!

I asked my sister-in-law if she minded if I shared a link to her blog. If you or someone you know has experienced infertility (whether you have overcome it or not), would you please leave my sweet sister-in-law some encouraging words or just share your story with her? She could really use some people to rally around her, pray for her, and share with her. I know she would love to connect with people who truly understand the journey she is on. http://esandj.blogspot.com/

Growing up I always knew my brother would make a great dad! Kids are just drawn to him. I suppose he gets that from my mom. My brother is such a wonderful uncle to Ethan. Jason and Esther both really love Ethan like he is their own. And their love for Noah was the same. My heart breaks for them as month after month it doesn't happen for them. I don't understand God's ways, but I know His ways are higher than ours and he sees a future that we cannot see. He knows exactly what we need and His timing is so perfect. I've had to remind myself of this again and again as it seemed like the day that Max was born (Jason and Esther's other nephew) would have been the perfect day for them to find out they were expecting. That day came and went. Then Father's Day came and it seemed like God would certainly see to it that this was the perfect day where we would find out Jason would become a Father. But His ways are HIGHER than ours. One thing I know for sure is that if Jason and Esther overcome infertility, they will not forget. I know they will remember this struggle and will be able to encourage others who walk this path and will be able to share the things God taught them along the way.

In the meantime, we pray with hope...we pray with expectancy that God will give them a miracle of their own.

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." ~Mark 11:22-24

Grief....A Year Later

2010-07-22T10:05:00.003-04:00

If you had told me a year ago (and some of you did) that the grief wouldn't be as heavy as it was right after Noah left, I would have ignored you and thought you didn't know what you were talking about. I couldn't imagine at the time being able to make it through an entire day without breaking down. I can now say that even by just the first day after Noah's 1st Birthday, I felt like I could breathe for the first time. All of the blog moms who have lost babies told me it got better after the 1st birthday and I guess they were right. Making it through all the firsts, dealing with them head-on, I now feel like my life can move forward. It doesn't mean I won't grieve anymore...that I won't cry or scream or hold onto to Noah's blanket or his tiny onesie as tight as I can and just sob all night long. Those moments are still going to happen. I'm convinced they will happen for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter that it has been more than 50 years since my grandparents lost their 2nd daughter when she was 5 months old to a crib accident...time doesn't let you forget. I will always ache for Noah.

David and I have had some long talks lately about moving forward. Not only do we need to really try to move forward for us but we need to let Ethan move forward. We have always talked so openly about Noah in our home and Noah's room has still been called "Noah's room". Last week something happened that made us decide we need to make some changes at home in regards to how we talk about Noah. The principal at Ethan's school called David last week to let us know that Ethan had said something at daycare that concerned them. Ethan was talking with another child in his class and announced, "I will only be in daycare for 3 more days." The other child asked why, to which Ethan replied, "because I'm going to die in 3 days." The teacher calmly picked him up and set him in her lap and asked why he'd said that. He then said, "because I'm going to Heaven so I can go see my baby brother." I was very upset when David called to tell me, but we didn't want to make a big deal about it to Ethan as if he'd said something wrong. We did talk to him about it a little bit and he doesn't really even remember saying it. I think he is trying to make sense of everything and since we had a celebration for Noah's birthday, Ethan really just wanted to see Noah.

Ethan had asked many times the week of Noah's birthday, "When is Noah coming to blow out his birthday candles?" It's so hard to explain to a 4-year old that their brother is in Heaven, not coming back, but we will see him again one day - to which he then asks "well, when will we go see him Mommy?"

I don't want Ethan to worry about death and I hate it that he has had to experience this loss at such a young age. We just try to focus more on the hope of Heaven when talking to him about it.
We want Ethan to remember Noah, but while he is still so young we feel like it's important to only talk about Noah when Ethan brings him up (instead of us mentioning him when we pray with Ethan at night or talking about Noah in front of him, etc.). Because so many of Ethan's toys are in Noah's room right now, we've decided to start calling it "the play room". We think sometimes that maybe calling it "Noah's room" was confusing to Ethan...that maybe he thought Noah was still coming here at some point. We just have to find a healthy balance of allowing Ethan to talk about Noah and ask questions but without David or me bringing him up as much as we have. We want Ethan to know that while we are sad Noah isn't here, we are so happy that Ethan is here and we want to focus our time and energy on him. Hope that makes sense.

The blog will still be an outlet for me...a place to share how I'm feeling and to gain insight and encouragement from others who know what we are going through and to give hope to those who will walk just a few steps behind us in this journey. I also plan to "show off" Ethan a little more than I have been as he is so very precious to me. I love that little boy so much and we are so very blessed that God would give him to us. And to brag on him for a minute....His teachers and the administration at his daycare are always telling us how smart Ethan is. Since he was a year old every teacher has proclaimed, "I swear he's the smartest kid in the class...his speech is so developed for his age." Yesterday I picked him up from daycare and as I was leaving the lady at the front desk stopped me and said, "Janice (the owner) and I were just discussing Ethan. We are trying to determine which pre-K class we should put him in. We want to make sure he is with the best teacher...someone smart enough for Ethan."

And his Mommy grinned from ear to ear.

Sugar & Spice Sweets

2010-07-15T10:21:00.015-04:00

Do you like Cake? Cookies? Candy? Cupcakes? Chocolate? (funny they all start with a "C")...anyway, my dear friend Trista is in the business of all things sweet! We call her a "Cake Artist" because that is what she is! Her cakes are not only beautiful...they are DELICIOUS! Her chocolate-chocolate chip and her strawberry cakes are some of my favorites!!!!

If you live in Georgia and you need a cake or other sweet treat, hop on over to Trista's blog! You can look through all her cakes and can contact her with your order!

Here are just a few examples of her incredible artistry!

Click HERE or the button on the right side of my page

to see her website "Sugar & Spice Sweets!

Celebrating Noah

2010-07-11T21:59:00.008-04:00

I would first like to thank God for the beautiful day he gave us yesterday. With a 30% chance of rain yesterday (and Oh me of little faith!) I thought the day would be ruined. God blessed us with blue skies and white puffy clouds as we released the balloons in honor of Noah. I told David, "the weather man can't predict God". Thank you, Lord for this beautiful day that I will cherish the memory of for the rest of my life!

This week was a roller coaster of emotions. July 6th was the most difficult day for me. I broke down at work a few times and just felt so low. That was the day last year that we found out Noah was gone. That was the nightmare day for me. On that night I could barely comprehend that my son was gone and there was no way I was going to let them take him from me that night. July 7th was the day Noah was born. Honestly, I felt pretty numb on his birthday. I only cried once when Ethan announced that his wish when he blew out the candle would be "for Noah to be here." On Friday I was just so happy. I had such a joy in my heart and couldn't wait for Saturday to come. I didn't dread celebrating Noah's birthday. Of course I wish things were different. I wish he was here with cake all over his hands and face. I would have had a million pictures up on facebook by the next morning of his sweet face covered in chocolate-chocolate chip cake. But I was still so excited to "show off" my son. To "show off" my savior. To let everyone know how God is being glorified even through Noah's death. My heart was truly filled with joy!

Saturday morning I woke up a nervous wreck. Nervous over the details. Would there be enough food for everyone? Would people remember to bring balloons? Would people think this was a crazy idea? Would they think we should just move on and stop talking so much about the child we lost? People started showing up at the church at 1:30. My friends brought trays of food and drinks...more than enough for everyone. Trista made a beautiful (and HUGE) cake for us. Everything went so smoothly. Friends drove from out of state to be there and celebrate with us.

I use the word "celebrate" because that is really what we did. Of course there were heavy moments and while we are sad that Noah isn't here with us on earth, we rejoice that God created his soul and that we will get to be with him and with Jesus for eternity!

FUNNY STORY:

Trista worked SO hard on this cake. I found a cake online that had butterflies flying up, but since it was for a balloon release, I asked her if she could add balloons to the cake. The cake was just perfect! I thought it was beautiful and really thought she did a great job making the butterflies and the balloons, but then a few people started noticing that the balloons looked like something else. I will leave it to your own imagination, but I will tell you that people are now referring to it as the "fertility cake"....

David spent most of Friday night writing a letter to our friends and family that he read at the celebration. It was so beautifully written (and you can read it at the bottom of the page). We showed the video (see previous post) and there were a lot of tears, but still joy.

My dear friends Lori and April gave me a beautiful gift - a Pandora bracelet with 2 beautiful charms...one of them is Noah's Ark. Girls, thank you so much for this beautiful gift that I will cherish forever!!!

We are still amazed at the outpouring of love from so many people. We received over 100 facebook messages this week with thoughts and prayers, pictures of Noah's name, and friends that couldn't make it to the balloon release even took the time to release balloons from wherever they were. God has surrounded us with people who love us. We are so very blessed!

I updated Noah's name gallery! Click HERE to view it. Hope I didn't miss anyone's picture...if I did, let me know!

And now....pictures from this beautiful day. I made a quick slide show (no music). Make sure you look below for the video of the balloon release and for David's letter.

Thank you everyone for making this day so special!!!

Balloon Release...

David's Letter that he read at Noah's celebration:

Thank you all for being here today and supporting our family. One year ago we had no idea that we would celebrate Noah’s first birthday in this way today. We had no idea that his life would be lost here on earth and found with Jesus. We had no idea that all our dreams for what life was going to be, could be crushed within a few short minutes.

On December 27, 2008 two little pink lines told us that Noah existed and we loved him from that very moment. We were told his due date would be September 9th, 2009....that was 9-9-09. We wondered if he would have been right on time like Ethan who came right on his due date or if he would have been a little early and born on Lisa’s birthday. But the fact is, there really are no "would have been's". God knew the exact number of days that Noah would live on this earth, tucked away in Lisa's womb...even if we didn't

Last year we had such a pouring out of love, prayers, and support when Noah passed. We received prayer and support from our church. We had friends drop everything in their personal lives to be with us. That really meant the world to us. Some drove hours and some flew in from vacations and that was amazing to know that people cared about what we were going through. I think even more than caring about us we cherished the friends and family that were going through the loss with us. They missed Noah too. They had dreams for Noah that were lost. They felt the pain of this temporary life. That means a lot to us.

Over the next months after Noah passed, life was really hard. Lisa was having to deal with losing a child, and having had major surgery. I am not the most in touch with my emotions so I probably was not exactly what she needed all the time. I know she felt lonely, and anger and so many emotions. Many of you helped her through and kept us both sane. We struggled with how to share with others that we are a 3 seated family of 4. Do we say we have 2 kids and share Noah’s story….Do we say just 1 kid but that doesn’t feel right either. We also struggled with Why….If Noah was never to be born alive then why create him at all? We struggled with selfishness and depression and nightmares, and what ifs? We still struggle with some of that.

I don’t know if we have handled the whole situation the best way, but we are becoming stronger Christians through this. Nothing has made my faith in Jesus more real than the idea that my Son is with Him. When I pray, study, or lead worship I am reminded that I am praising the God who is taking care of my Noah. Ethan and I ask Jesus to take care of baby Noah almost every night. And there is not a sermon, song, or situation that comes up that doesn’t remind us of who Noah is with. Lisa reminded me that if Noah had never been conceived then he would not exist at all. But because God created his soul we get to be together for eternity. He is already enjoying the presence of God Almighty. I really don’t know where our life or marriage would be without that Comfort and Truth.

I recently ran across a Bible verse that speaks to me…. Romans 9. 20 But, my friend, I ask, “Who do you think you are to question God? Does the clay have the right to ask the potter why he shaped it the way he did? 21 Doesn’t a potter have the right to make a fancy bowl and a plain bowl out of the same lump of clay?”……God’s ways are not our ways….they are higher, and greater…..That’s my prayer for Noah. That God’s purpose for Noah is higher and greater than anything I can think or imagine. I have questioned God about these circumstances and I have told Him some things that I am not going to repeat here today….but I still believe that He is the potter and He molds Life here. He also Molds life in Heaven. That’s an amazing thought to me. Noah lived a short 7 months with Lisa here on earth, and will Live forever because he was a life.

That brings us to today and I want to thank you all again for being here for us today. I know you moms can understand the feelings Lisa has gone through in this past year. The thought of losing your child is unbearable, and so you can understand how that affects your life. One of the things that I can’t get out of my mind as a Dad is the need to protect my family. I wish I had been able to protect Noah and I know as we look toward trying to have another baby we will be paranoid and over reactive about every little thing. I think that’s expected and completely okay. So as we release balloons in honor of Noah today thank you for being here with us to remember him. Even though we didn’t get the chance to know his personality, and Collinsworth charm…..you have loved him with us….and that means more to our family than you will ever know.

Balloon Release & Birthday Video

2010-07-10T22:16:00.006-04:00

I have a ton of pictures and videos to post, but for now I will just share with you all the video I worked on for the last 2 months. We showed this video today before the balloon release.

Happy 1st Birthday, my sweet Noah.

2010-07-07T22:04:00.004-04:00

I love you, baby boy. I miss you so much. Your big brother blew out your candle tonight and made just one wish, "I wish for baby Noah to be here".

We all miss you, but we know you are home with the Lord.

Why have a party?

2010-07-06T14:42:00.002-04:00

I know that some of you may be wondering why we have decided to celebrate Noah's 1st Birthday with a party/balloon release and I just wanted to hopefully give some insight into why we are doing this. First of all, we can't just let his birthday slip by without doing ANYTHING. We feel like it's a great day to remember Noah and all that he meant to us and all that he meant to so many others. Last year we held a private burial for Noah. We had a memorial service that many people came to, but we kept the burial private and only invited a few close friends and family. By having this balloon release for his first birthday, it will give the rest of our friends an opportunity to see Noah's grave. I know that for me I want so much for people to understand that he was real...he was here. I'm sure that only makes sense to some of you and that's ok.

There were also many friends who were unable to be at his memorial service that have made comments over this last year how much they hated that they missed it. I feel like this gives them another opportunity to remember Noah with us. Ethan is also very excited that we are having a party for Noah and he says he can't wait to send his little brother balloons. We know that Noah will not literally get the balloons up in Heaven, but we do believe it gives us a chance to pour our hearts out to the Lord and to say how much Noah means to us.

Noah's celebration is on Saturday. I have no idea how the day will go. This is not something we have ever done before...having a (remembrance) party for a deceased child, but we are excited to see friends and family and we are excited to "show off" our son and how beautiful he was. We also hope to "show off" our Savior and how He has carried us through. We have not lost faith because we lost Noah....I believe it has only increased our trust and faith in God. He gives and takes away. He is in control. He holds our son in His hands and we long for Heaven all the more.

Today our hearts are heavy. There's no denying that we hurt. On this day one year ago I was desperately trying to get Noah to move in my belly. We went to the hospital around 6:30 that night and saw what no parents want to see....a heart that is no longer beating. But we knew that the moment his heart stopped beating here, he was with the Lord. No pain, no suffering, no tears...only love.

Tomorrow is Noah's 1st Birthday. I will ask the same of you as I've asked of my friends and family today...say a prayer for the mothers and fathers who will find out today that their child is no longer here. It happens every day, but there are so many who don't know the hope that we have in Christ. I don't know how I would have ever made it through this year without that hope.

We will see Noah again.

I can't wait for that day!

Imaginations At Play

2010-07-02T22:25:00.009-04:00

Today Ethan and I met up with a friend of mine and her two daughters at this great place called "Imaginations at Play". There are a lot of fun things for kids to do there and it costs just $8 per child (free to adults).

Ethan and Emery...so cute!

Ethan really loved playing with this huge train table they had there.

Thanks for a great time, Kelly! Ethan had a great time with the girls!

He fell asleep just in less than 5 minutes after we left...

One of those days...

2010-06-30T15:45:00.002-04:00

I'm missing Noah so much today. His 1st birthday is just one week away. My heart feels like it's breaking all over again. I just can't stop re-living it over and over again in my mind. Every last detail.

God, I want him back so badly.

You Can't Change the Past...

2010-06-23T21:59:00.002-04:00

....but don't you sometimes wish you could? I would give anything to be able to turn back time and to urge the doctors to deliver Noah before it was too late.

I've been dealing with some of the same raw emotions I dealt with right after Noah's death last year. I'm missing him so much and I feel my body aching to hold him again. His first birthday is just 2 weeks away. I know he is in the safest place he can possibly be...and yes, that DOES make it easier. I can't imagine living without the hope of seeing him again. I'm just impatient. I want to see him now.

Sometimes the events of last year seem too painful to actually be real. Does that make sense to anyone??? I mean...did I really carry a baby for 31 weeks only to lose him and to never see him alive? It's unthinkable. And I still question myself about whether or not I should have let Ethan see him. He was only 3. I just didn't know if his heart could take it...if he would understand....or if I even wanted him to understand. We never let Ethan see him...only pictures. I guess we made the best decision we could at the time. Maybe if we had known for a long time that we were going to lose Noah, we could have prepared Ethan and things would have been different, but it was a total shock. I still remember the excitement in my brother's eyes as he felt Noah kick for the first time...and for me...it was the last time I felt him kick.

I still have my moments. Times that I just scream. I want to understand. I've had a few months of pushing the emotions away...not visiting his grave but just once in the past several months...I just haven't wanted to deal with it anymore. The grief seems endless...it's all crazy but it's all normal at the same time. There are those moments when I feel like I'm NEVER going to survive the moments when there is unbelievable pain that comes without warning...but God grants peace.

So many of my blog friends have had babies after losing a baby. It has given me so much hope and with each child that is born alive and healthy, I breathe easier. I have worried that if we ever have another baby, I might be sad or disappointed that it's not Noah. I'm glad to hear that others have felt this same way but that when their new baby arrived, their love only grew. I do hope we will be able to have another child someday.

So many of you continue to pray for us and send us messages of encouragement out of the blue...it means so much to us.

Happy Father's Day!!!

2010-06-19T22:52:00.002-04:00

David and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage on Monday. He is a wonderful husband and father! Happy Anniversary, baby!!!

And Happy Father's Day...

Photography

2010-06-12T02:48:00.004-04:00

I don't share a lot of my photography on this blog, but you can click over to my photography blog HERE. One of my friends from college lives just 15 minutes from me. She has two of the most beautiful curly-headed little girls I've ever seen! I had a great time taking pictures of these two sweet girls.

Click HERE to more from this photo shoot.

My Mom Before & After

2010-06-11T22:31:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to show you how much progress my mom has made since her Gastric Bypass surgery in February.

Mom in August of 2009:

Mom now...

Scattered

2010-06-10T16:25:00.003-04:00

This post is going to be kind of all over the place, so hang on. I have a lot to talk about and a lot to update on, so here we go...

Many of you (and by "you" I really mean my facebook friends who read my blog but never comment on my blog....just send messages to me on facebook about my blog) have asked how my mom is doing since her Gastric Bypass surgery. Well, she's doing great! She's lost about 75 pounds so far and her type 2 diabetes is gone! PRAISE GOD! She is feeling great and has so much more energy. I can tell a difference in her confidence. It's really wonderful to see my mom so happy, but most importantly...healthy.

I've been pretty emotional lately. With Noah's 1st birthday quickly approaching, my mind keeps going back to where we were a year ago. Life before our hearts were broken. My mind just keeps replaying everything from those last few weeks before we lost him. I desperately miss his kicks. I wish I could have seen him alive. I just miss him so much.

We are inviting all of our friends and family (and even those of you lady bloggers who live close enough to come) to our church on Saturday, July 10th as we remember Noah on his 1st birthday. We are also planning a balloon release out at his grave that day. It's not at all what you imagine for your child's first birthday. I want him to be here with us to enjoy his day with our family gathered around with cake all over his face. I cannot believe a year has gone by already. It still feels like just a few months have passed. Maybe it's the deep raw heartache that still overwhelms me without warning. Even on the days that are supposed to be filled with joy - when my friends are celebrating a new pregnancy, the birth of a child, or their child's 1st birthday...I mourn. Even as I type this my body physically aches to have Noah back in my arms...or at the very least...back in my womb.

I am still waiting on the results of my blood work I had done last week. If you missed that you can read about it HERE.

My mom has Ethan for the week. My parents live in Blue Ridge which is a little over 2 hours away from here. I am always a nervous wreck when Ethan is away from us. Don't get me wrong...I trust my mom completely. It's just the thought of something happening to him and me not being there really freaks me out. I think I've always been kind of a nervous (ok, paranoid) mom, but it's much worse since Noah died. I cannot tell you how many times a night I check on Ethan while he sleeps at night. We have a video monitor that we've had since he was a baby (and yes, we still use it every night even though he is now 4). I sometimes stare at it just to be sure I see his chest rise and fall. I know Ethan is having a great time with his Mamaw and going to Vacation Bible School at her church....but I sure do miss him! He will be home on Saturday.

I'd like to ask you all to pray for my cousin. She was about 7 weeks pregnant and miscarried last night and of course she is devastated. No matter how far along you are, it is so heartbreaking. It's your child. You love them from the moment you know they exist. Please say a special prayer for her if you will.

Tomorrow I am off of work (during the summer we work 4 long days Monday-Thursday, then we are off every Friday!!!) so I'm hoping to finish painting Ethan's room that I started months ago, get some laundry done, finish printing Noah's invitations, go for a run, and then I have a photo shoot with 2 pretty little girls at the park. Hopefully it will be a productive start to my weekend.

Changes Are Happening

2010-06-03T20:15:00.004-04:00

About 6 months ago David and I sat down and had a talk about our lives. There are 3 main areas that we have struggled with over the past few years that we really hoped to focus on making better this year. The first is our spiritual well being. David and I get so busy with life and church and work and being parents that we sometimes don't take the moments to just stop and really spend some quality time with our Savior. I've needed more of HIM. David's needed more of HIM. And since our son is with HIM...it really makes us want to know HIM even more.

The second area that David and I have struggled in is our finances. When we moved here to start Discover Point Church just 5 years ago, we were debt free (except our house and a student loan). After we had Ethan and I was a stay-at-home mom for a year and David's business was not doing so great, things got really bad. I went back to work and David got a better job and things started to turn around, but I will admit...when we lost Noah, everything changed. We spent money carelessly. More than anything it was on eating out because I didn't feel like cooking dinner...I didn't feel like doing anything - which brings us to that third area that we have struggled with...our health. Eating out will definitely pack on the pounds and will just make you feel miserable. Our bodies have taken a beating because of our emotional state.

All three of these things combined have made for 2 really depressed people! As we approach Noah's 1st Birthday, David and I both want CHANGE. I am currently in a Women's Bible Study at my church. It's a study by Beth Moore called "Breaking Free" (the new updated version). It is some powerful, powerful stuff and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time because of all that we hope to "break free" from.

David and I have also become very close to a couple at our church. Jeremy and Trista came to our church a little over a year ago and have become such great friends to us. Recently David and Jeremy started meeting weekly to just talk about life and encourage one another. Trista and I are also meeting weekly for the same purpose and it has definitely been something we have both needed.

As for our finances, David and I are on the path to become debt free (thank you Dave Ramsey!). It's going to be a long road, but we are determined and we hope to never get ourselves in this kind of mess again. We desire to be better stewards of all that God has provided for us.

And as for our health, we are working on that too. My dear friend, Brandi Dorsey, was so encouraging to me over Memorial Day weekend. She helped me to understand that I'm beautiful just the way I am and that it's a wonderful feeling to be healthy and to be kind to your body. I've been taking spin/cycling classes at the gym for a while now and with Brandi's help, I've started running. I've been running a few miles a day and then doing 30 minutes of Pilates each night. In the last 3 weeks I've lost 6 pounds and hope to keep up the momentum. I still have about 21 pounds to lose to reach my goal...but I'm trying not to concentrate too much on a number. If I can just be consistent and really have a healthy body, that will be such a great thing!

And something that I feel like God has orchestrated....

Yesterday I was on my way home from running and I was thinking about how much I have been inspired by the Lawrenson family. I thought about Tricia and about Cystic Fibrosis and how I just really wanted to do something to benefit the CF Foundation. Then today out of NOWHERE my friend Nanci emailed me and said, "Hey let's run this 1/2 marathon in September". I thought she was out of her mind. After all, the most I have run without stopping (which was TODAY by the way) is 1.6 miles. How on earth am I going to run 13.1 miles???? My first response was "no way", but then I read the website and what the race was for and I knew I had to say "yes". Well, it's going to take a LOT of hard work and lot of training, but it's a great way to keep up my momentum with losing weight and getting my body into shape. And the best part? The race is put on by Miles for Cystic Fibrosis and Team 65ROSES....

From the website about the race...

Who is Miles for Cystic Fibrosis and Team 65ROSES?

Staying healthy with cystic fibrosis requires the stamina and determination of an endurance athlete. No one knows that better than 65ROSES co-founders, two pediatric CF physicians from Atlanta, who are also marathon runners.

Team 65ROSES became their vehicle to honor such dedication. It was designed for people who walk or run a half marathon or marathon while also raising awareness and funds to support the Cystic Fibrosis community.

Visit us at www.MilesForCysticFibrosis.org

In its fourth year, 65ROSES runners have participated in the four ING Georgia Marathons and two ING Miami Marathons, fielding a total of 687 team members and raising over $214,000.

An outstanding component of this organization is their pledge that through its team members, volunteers and supporters are distributed to CF-related charities, including: 100% of donations raisedCystic Fibrosis Foundation, a nonprofit, donor-supported organization, that assures the development of the means to cure and control cystic fibrosis and to improve the quality of life for those with the disease (www.cff.org); and CF-Reaching Out Foundation, an Atlanta-based nonprofit organization that provides financial support to CF families struggling with the cost of medications, nutritional supplements, utility bills, or other necessities, to live well and stay healthy. Check out their website at www.ReachingOutFoundation.org.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me before the race on September 19th, but I am determined!

And please keep David and I in your prayers as we make a lot of changes in our lives to become all that God wants us to be and to live the abundant life he intended us to live.

Baby Max

2010-05-23T20:28:00.006-04:00

Ok, so first...a little background info. When I was a freshman in college in August of 1998, one of the very first people I met was a guy named Brien Duke. We met during orientation week at Brewton-Parker College and instantly became friends. Years later after college we both ended up living in Macon and ran into each other a few times. Fast forward.....Just weeks before David and I were to move to Conyers to be a part of a launch team to plant a church, I ran into Brien again. He was leading worship at a college Bible study and asked me to come see him play. I was so impressed and could tell Brien was a great worship leader. And in ways that only God orchestrates, Brien's company had decided to relocate him to Atlanta...just minutes from Conyers. David loved the idea of having someone co-lead worship with him on Sundays and we knew Brien would be a great addition to Discover Point Church.

On September 3, 2006 a girl named Esther Miltenberger walked through the doors of our church (or...uh...movie theater as it was at the time). She had moved to Conyers all the way from West Virginia to teach at a local college. I had an instant connection with her...or maybe it was just that I had a big brother who was single and looking. Again in ways that only God orchestrates, my big brother and Esther began dating. Later Esther would have her twin sister, Hannah fly down to visit. Brien soon fell head over heels for Hannah. In March of last year Brien and Hannah were married and just 2 weeks later, Jason (my brother) and Esther were married. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that this guy I met nearly 12 years ago would end up being one of my husband's best friends and my brother's brother-in-law!

Brien and Hannah have become family to us. I give you all that detail so you'll understand why I'm so excited about Baby Max!!! Max was born to Brien & Hannah last night at 7:49pm weighing in at 8lbs, 14oz and 20". Labor was long (nearly 24 hours) and difficult and ended with a c-section, but Max is here safe and sound and just so stinkin' cute!!!!

And just so you know, Max's mommy is exhausted, a little swollen after her c-section and you know how much Mommies just LOVE having their photos taken right after going through hours and hours of labor...sooooo.... you won't see any pics of Hannah in here

Brien, the proud Daddy

Max checking out his Uncle Jason

Aunt Es and Uncle J

One thing is for sure...

this sweet little boy...

will be loved...

I sure think he's pretty special...

Update to Noah's Name Gallery

2010-05-22T09:24:00.002-04:00

Thank you to everyone who has sent me photos of Noah's name. I've added more that I have received recently. If you sent me one and you don't see yours, please message me and let me know! If you want to send one in to be added to Noah's 1st birthday video, you can email it to me at Lisacollinsworth@hotmail.com.

http://houseofcollinsworth.blogspot.com/2009/10/noahs-name-gallery.html

Appointment

2010-05-21T17:49:00.003-04:00

We had our consultation with the high risk doctor this morning. I guess the old saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" would apply here. The waiting room was less than impressive. I think David and I had this idea in our heads that since this was a "specialist" that it would be some fancy place. It was a little office at the end of a building of other offices and the waiting room was a small area with an uncomfortable couch (that was so light weight that I shoved it against the wall when I sat in it) and several folding chairs. My appointment was at 8:30 and I arrived promptly at 8:20. The doctor arrived at 9:15. He swiftly walked us back to his office and I could tell immediately that he wasn't a warm, friendly, comforting kind of doctor. But that was ok because what he lacked in personality, he made up for by being extremely knowledgeable! He was very detailed and he went through my pathology report line by line and explained everything...but it was also very difficult for us. He gave us a lot more info and details as to how he thought Noah died. There were blood clots around the outside of the placenta that made blood and oxygen flow difficult (causing increased blood pressure for me and lack of oxygen for Noah). It's devastating to think about your body failing your child and basically causing him to suffocate. The placenta was also very small (10^th percentile). There was a lot of “if this had been done or that had been done”, Noah might still be here. It was hard to hear all of this (even though we pretty much knew it already) but we try not to focus on the “what if’s”.

There are a few things on my report that alerted the doctor that there may be something going on with my kidneys. He is unsure if my Factor V Leiden had anything to do with Noah’s death. He has ordered 6 different lab tests including a 24-hour urine test and once he gets those results he will call us to discuss them. He is having me tested (again) for Lupus (which was negative in August) and for other auto-immune diseases. I will definitely have to take the Lovenox injections every day in any future pregnancies due to the Factor V Leiden, but he does NOT think that this was the reason (or at least not the only reason) that we lost Noah. He really feels like something may be going on with my kidneys. He was very thorough so we feel very confident in him. On another note, I asked him his opinion on a VBAC instead of another c-section next time and he said the technical answer is that there is only a 1% risk of a problem after 2 c-sections, but the practical answer is that it will be difficult to find a doctor who will be willing to deliver me. My doctor was willing to do a VBAC with Noah, so unless there are complications again, I don’t see why she wouldn’t be willing to deliver me VBAC this time. My #1 focus is to get any future child here safely.

My big question to the doctor was that if (God forbid) we ended up in the exact same scenario next time around, how would we detect that something was wrong and would he know to take the baby before something happened? He said there would be a lot of things they will be checking on regularly and that they WOULD KNOW and they WOULD take the baby early if that is what is needed. He feels there is an 80% chance of us going on to have a normal, healthy pregnancy and delivery. He was glad to know we have a healthy little boy already. It’s the other 20% he wants to focus on so that we can try to prevent future problems.

David and I stood outside the office and hugged and I just fell apart. I did very well holding it in as long as I could while the doctor was talking to us. It was definitely an emotional time....going over the report again. I look at that report and all I see is "this is how your son died". I had to go back to work after the appointment. I have some sweet ladies that I work with who were very encouraging to me today.

I will be going to a lab next week and the doctor will call me when the results come in. I’ll let you know what we find out. Thank you all so much for the prayers!

Appointment TOMORROW

2010-05-20T18:51:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the confusion...I posted last Thursday that my appointment with the high risk doctor was "this Friday" and it was supposed to say "next Friday! Anyway...my appointment is TOMORROW morning at 8:30. David will be going with me. I'll update and let everyone know how it goes. Hoping to get some answers to some questions I've been stirring around in my mind for 10 months now. No matter what the answers are to my questions....God has given us HOPE for our future.

Congratulations Angie Smith!

2010-05-20T06:36:00.003-04:00

David and I prayed right at 11:00 last night (our time..EST....10:00 Central) for Todd, Angie, and Miss Charlotte. I was so happy to see updates from Jessica Turner on twitter. Charlotte was born at around 10:30 last night - 5lbs, 13oz and 19 inches long. We have prayed and shed tears over this family who has encouraged us since we lost Noah and we thank God for Charlotte's safe arrival!

Read more on Jessica's blog HERE.

A few pics from Todd and Jessica on twitter last night...

Prayers for Angie Smith

2010-05-19T20:28:00.003-04:00

Please be praying for Angie Smith and baby Charlotte!!!!!! I will be lighting a candle and praying at 10:00pm for the delivery of little Charlotte and that her lungs will be fully developed. To understand exactly what is going on, first read this:

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2010/05/intuition.html

Then read this:

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2010/05/back-to-intuition-thing.html

High Risk Appointment

2010-05-13T22:31:00.002-04:00

David and I are scheduled to meet with a high risk doctor this Friday to discuss my blood work that I had done after losing Noah, my diagnosis of Factor V Leiden, the pathology report from the placenta (after Noah's birth), to have more blood work drawn, and to discuss what will be required of me if I ever do get pregnant again. I am pretty certain I will be on Lovenox injections every day if I get pregnant. My doctor has already asked that I take a baby aspirin a day for pretty much the rest of my life (though I keep forgetting to actually do it!). Please be praying for us as we go to this appointment. I'm always pretty emotional going to the doctor since losing Noah and I get pretty upset/mad/sad/frustrated when I even look at the pathology report from the placenta. I wish there was one clear answer as to what caused Noah to die, but so far, there just isn't ONE (there are many possibilities as to why). There are so many things on that report and I just want someone to tell me what happened!

Thank you for your prayers...

Happy 4th Birthday

2010-05-06T23:20:00.002-04:00

Ethan, my firstborn son. I love you so much and I can't believe how quickly you are growing up. Our lives have been so much richer since the day you were born.

Happy 4th Birthday sweet boy!!!!

Noah's Name

2010-05-04T21:05:00.002-04:00

I am putting together a video of pictures for Noah's 1st birthday. I will be including all of the pictures from Noah's Name Gallery in the video. If you would like to take a photo of Noah's name, you can email it to me at Lisacollinsworth@hotmail.com. Please remember to include your name, the location where the picture was taken and a link to your blog (if you have one). You can click HERE to see what I have so far. Thank you everyone!!!

If you would also like me to take a photo of your child's name, put that in the email as well!

Family Pictures!

2010-04-30T23:44:00.002-04:00

Here are the rest of our family pictures taken by the amazing Nathan Lawrenson!

This is my first attempt at a slideshow...needs some tweaking, but it turned out pretty good.

So You Think You Can Dance?

2010-04-27T17:03:00.003-04:00

I captured this little video of Ethan and his friend, Hayden "dancing" before church on Sunday. Ethan really wanted to make her spin...

Trip Part 1: Meeting the Lawrenson's

2010-04-22T19:56:00.015-04:00

David, Ethan and I had a great time on our road trip. We went to Nags Head, NC, Washington D.C., Lynchburg, VA, and Boone, NC. David and I agree that the highlight of our trip was going to Nags Head in the Outer Banks to meet Nate, Tricia, and Gwyneth Rose Lawrenson. It's something I never thought I would get to do. It's an amazing thing meeting people you have read about and prayed for through the blog world.

I first started reading Nate's blog in December of 2007. I came across his blog through another blog friend. The first post I read of Nate's was THIS. I then began reading more and more about Nate's wife, Tricia and learned a lot about Cystic Fibrosis...something I didn't know much about. And we prayed. David and I prayed, my family prayed, friends of mine who had started reading the blog prayed, my small group prayed, even my co-workers prayed. Then on January 8, 2008, a miracle was born. It would take a while to go through Nate's entire blog and catch you up on all that God has done in their lives, but if you would like the short version, click HERE. I never imagined getting to meet the Lawrenson's, but when David and I decided to go on a road trip for vacation this year, we decided this would be a great time to meet them. I've heard great things (mostly from Nate) about the Outer Banks in North Carolina and how beautiful it is there, so this was our first stop on our road trip. We made the long 9 hour drive...

and suddenly we hit this bridge that went on and on and on out over the water....

When you are driving in the OBX (Outer Banks), the GPS makes you feel as though you are literally driving on water (and I guess we kind of were)

We arrived Friday night and then woke up Saturday morning to explore

Then Saturday night we got dressed in our white shirts and blue jeans and headed to the beach to meet Nate. It's a really strange thing meeting someone you've only seen on a computer screen....but someone you feel like you know so well because of the life experience you feel like you shared with them. Nate is into photography like I am and he is also the worship leader at his church just like my hubby is at ours...so we had plenty to talk about.

Here are some of the "sneak peak" photos Nate has sent me from our shoot on the beach...

The necklace I wear every day...it has footprints on the front and on the back it says, "Noah David 7-7-09 3lbs, 60z. 15 inches"

If you are ever in the OBX and want some great family photos, book a session with Nate! His photography website is HERE.

After the photo shoot (where Nate filled up 2 camera cards!), Nate invited us over to their house to meet Tricia and Gwyneth. It was a strange thing as I walked through their door and saw them. I really had to keep myself from bursting into tears and coming off as some crazy lunatic. It's not so much Tricia and Gwyneth that I'm in awe of (though they are so special!), but the awesomeness of my God who has done great things! Tricia is one of the sweetest and most welcoming people I've ever met. Of course Nate talks great about his wife on his blog (as all husbands should of their wives), but to meet her is to know that she really does LOVE people.

And then there's Gwyneth...now 2 years old. A miracle.
And so beautiful...

I told Tricia that Gwyneth must never have a bad hair day!
She has perfect little ringlets...beautiful blonde curls!

Ethan showed off his skills at playing Mario on the Wii
(I wish I could say I was a proud mom for this...but...ahem).

We stayed long enough to watch our 3 year old take down a 15 year old (Nic Nelson who assisted Nate with the photo shoot) in a video game and then said goodnight.

The next day we got up and went to Nags Head Church where we had a great time of worship.

After church we had a nice lunch at Barefoot Bernie's with Nate, Tricia, Gwyneth, Nate's parents and Tricia's parents. Tricia's mother, Agnes was so encouraging and kind to me after we lost Noah. I was really looking forward to meeting her.

It was so great to meet all of them and we hope to go back for another visit soon!
"Vacation Part 2" is coming soon....but for now, it's bedtime!

Ethan's 1st Injury

2010-04-17T20:41:00.003-04:00

Ethan isn't a very clumsy kid, but tonight while I was out taking pictures of my friend's daughter, David and Ethan were playing with his soccer ball out in the yard and he fell down the hill. My poor baby....